Following the bread crumbs

Strange title I hear you say....yep but let me explain.

Remember Hansel and Gretel and how they left a trail of bread crumbs to find heir way home

BUT when they needed them they were gone...

Sadly my bread crumbs had vanished too

What do we do in that situation??

Start from where we started.

The beginning.

And build up from there, one step at a time.

Over the last 2 weeks I have done exactly that.

I rejoined the 12wbt program to shake up my brain and system.

Week one for me I made it my mission to drink 3L of water a day.

Fuck me do you realise how hard it is to actually think about drinking that every day.

Its mentally exhausting!

What time is it, do I need to drink another glass of water now or do I wait...

How much have I drank so far, how much do I need to drink.

Do i drink now cause I have to go out, will I piss myself if I drink to much and cant get to a loo

I stuck to it and now I don't even think about it.

How and why do you ask.

I got my good old Tupperware jugs out, the green being a 2L and the orange a 1L

I started with putting a few slices of lemon in the orange with mint, boiling the jug and making that my morning 'cuppa'.  I love drinking warm water and my gut handles it really well.

The 2L jug is for through the day and as I leave it on the bench I have my constant reminder to drink without stressing about how many glasses I have had. 

I also have a 1L water bottle that I take to work and drink in the 3 hours there.  That is on top of what I drink at home due to the heat there and the work I do.

Doing this has helped me down my 3L a day with ease.

No more head fuck's or stress.

Week 2 has been about my food.

Watching my goes in my mouth and 

really concentrating about the crap I have been eating

 and how it effect's my mind and body.

Eating bad food makes me sluggish, 

moody and plays havoc with my bowels.

Ive noticed in the last 2 weeks that my bowels 

have been fantastic *knock on wood*

and I have been alot clearer in the head aswell as not bloated to the point where I looked like I was 8 months pregnant again.

Ive swapped over the kids meal, the pizza, for food that feeds my soul with clean healthy foods that nourish my body and mind.  I'm done with eating body clogging crap.  I want colour and taste. I don't need grease and fat dripping down my chin to get a high of my food.

I want my food to tingle in my mouth to the point where it feels like its dancing a party in my mouth.

I want my eyes to love the look of the food, be seduced by its colour, it beauty.

The most satisfying thing I have noticed with take away food,

It has no colour and it smells the same.

Bit like sweaty balls. They all smell the same.

Week Three is remembering where I was almost 2 years ago.

Reminding myself why I changed my life back then.

Its hard when we  get wrapped up in the numbers and in the now.

Go back and reflect on our feelings back then, how we felt with ourselves, how we saw ourselves.

remember the lesson's we've learnt

thank ourselves for what we have done and respect  and recognise the good that has come

I have given myself a huge goal!!!

Its my magic number.

Numbers seem to drive me, sometimes to the point of utter stupidness but they do.

I no longer wear my polar HRM because I let the calorie count fuck me over.

To busy on burning off 2000 cal's a day and hating myself when I didn't have the scales going down.

that shit wont be happening.

WELL

This magic number is my goal for Christmas.

I'm not going to pray, beg or wish this number to happen.

No those days are long over.

I'm simply going to go back to the beginning, forget about where I have been

and start a fresh with eyes wide shut to my surrounding's.

Here's to a spring and summer full of adventure

good food, positive minds and no bread crumbs.

Feeding the brain

Mind fucks of the moment

Having your brain screaming at you EAT EAT EAT and you know dame well your not hungry.

Fighting within yourself, having your brain tell you its alright, tomorrow is another day you can eat clean then.
Hearing the food in the fridge calling you.
Having the television showing add after add of mouth watering hot crisp food.
The pepsi max bubbling away to drink it, let me get in your mouth and I'll show you what a party is.

You would KILL to have that piece of KFC or whopper with onion rings.
That piece of cake in the fridge dripping in cream and icing.
The 2L tub of ice cream in the freezer with chocolate topping..............

That emotional high with the first mouth full that lasts a total of 2 seconds because you turn into some totally fucking animal, ripping apart your food, swallowing mouth fulls without even chewing properly so your brain gets feed.  10 minutes later your sitting there, on the brink of tears cause you know that you didnt need to eat that fat, calorie saturated cardboard food and your stomach grumbles in protest.  You look down and you look like you 20 months pregnant with twins and then your bowels start to protest the plastic food you just inhaled.......

Lets face it its not the stomach that wants it..your brain is telling you what to do.

Ive been fighting this mo-fo all day.
I have yummy lamb chops that were cooked on the  BBQ yesterday yelling at me.
Shit I almost caved and put the kids in the car to drive them to Macca's justify it to myself that Id buy a $2 salad and a $2 pop corn chicken on top.

Nope big 

FUCK YOU BRAIN!!!!!

Kids had home made toasted cheese sanga's with some banana's and apples.  I had a wrap with avocado, tuna and baby spinach leaf's. OH and 2 glasses of water to wash it down.

Yeah take that brain...fuck you and your needs to eat shit.  Fuck you and making me over think what to eat.  Fuck you and fighting me over this. 

I wear the panties in the house NOT YOU!!!!

Parting the clothes in my closet

Its been along time since I posted for me.  I really never realised how much I did compress and keep to myself after my last blog post.  To say it fucked me emotionally is an understatement.  I withdrew into my closet, burying myself in my sadness and some of my old fat clothes.  I couldn't read comments in groups or on peoples pages without feeling shit. Depression creeps in and curls its long bony fingers around your heart and mind, leaving you with no control...just darkness.  My sunshine and lollipop's had vanished and I was falling deeper and deeper.

How did it happen?  I was on top of the world.  I worked my arse of for such along time not to feel like this again.  How dare it come back to slap me.  How dare it let the excuses to creep back in and cripple my happy place.

Exercise had become a laughing matter, a joke again.  I feel so good and happy after going for a walk and run how did this escape me?

Going away for a family holiday helped. I spent some much loved time with my husband and beautiful amigo's.  A week at the snow was organised and inside...I was shitting myself.  Id always put it off due to my size...nothing snow appropriate fitted me.  I came close to tears trying on XL jackets that wouldn't meet in the middle to cover me.  I did find some eventually and they fit...something positive and warming yet I felt like the side of a house again.

Depression taking over my mind and feeding me blackness because the sun was shining a little.   I remember going away to QLD years ago and Vy wanting me to get on the teacup ride at Dreamworld with her...I squeezed myself into that ride and sat in agony as the centre wheel turned and cut into my gutt, which over flowed onto it.   Next year I plan to go on that same ride and show it who's the boss!

Doing a 5km local fun run didn't even get the exercise bug in me going.

Even doing it in 46mins didn't help.

Chest infection kicked in and sickness for 3 weeks.

I felt empty, deflated and worn out.  The last thing that I needed was to go do anything physical.

I wanted sleep.  I wanted to eat like I use to and not give a utter fuck about life.

Eating like I use to didn't last long.  Its amazing how much I really had changed in my eating habits since 2 years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I ate some not so health complementing things BUT I didn't gorge myself on them like I would of.  Soft drink is STILL disgusting for me. Eating fried food came back....my excuse was to try it so I could tell customers what it was like...yeah right keep feeding yourself that bullshit maz!

I am so grateful that I have the love and support of my husband.

Over the 17 years of our relationship we have been through so any ups and downs yet we are here, still together stronger then ever.  I really don't know how I would of coped mentally over the last few months without him.  No I never told him how I had been feeling but I don't really have to.  He has a way of tuning into me and without saying a word, fixes things in me that need it.

I told him that I needed to do something great and good for me again and he said to go and join the MB program again but only when I am ready.

So yep, you guessed it, I have rejoined for round 4.

I am recommitting myself to myself.

Being healthy - eating well and enjoying my life again starts now

Plan's have been made

Sweat verses steam at Echuca in October

City2Sea at Albert Park Melbourne in November

Mad cow here in Shepparton in March

AND

plans for a half marathon in July at the Gold Coast 

Life is for living

I'm going to live again

xx

Dear Sister

Its been along time since we spoke to each other.  Last words you spoke to me were at J's funeral when you hissed with venom ' who's the loser now? '

Sadly its the last memory I have of you and its one I would love to not have.  Hatred comes easy to you, bitter resentment, jealous hearted and hurt flow speedily through you and it lashes out to those who have cared to give you a bit of their love.

Remember that time, when I was 4 and mum told you to bath me...remember?  you were 14 and thought it was funny as hell to hold me head under water....the entire time I was screaming for air but all I could hear was your laughter.   I can still feel my eyes bulging while my lungs were straining for air and sadly I still hear that horrid laugh of yours.

You always made a point of pointing out other woman and asking if you were fat or ugly like them.  I have no idea why you were always so hooked up on comparing yourself to others.  I always thought you were perfect the way you were.  Others thought the same, the loved you, took you in their arms but your horrid ways steps in, destroying any forms of friendship and love that were built around you.

My pre teenage years were awkward enough without you trying to get your own children hurting me, brainwashing them with your bullshit and allowing them to lash out at me aswell.  Setting it up that I was the one who would cope the rath of dad's hand and watch you and your eldest daughter smirk happily that it was done, time and time again.

Living with you at 16 should of been the best time in my life.  Instead you beat me stupidly infront of your daughters because you wanted me to go shop lifting with you.  I'm sorry that I had friends that wanted me to hang out with them at the pool on a 36degree's day instead of wearing a huge woollen jumper to thieve food from shops.  I have no idea what you did with the $200 a fortnight of my $220 Austudy you demanded from me..I was to scared to ask in case I received another beating from you.  Belittling me infront of your male friends, and parading me at the local pub for you to catch a man became your  next trick.   All was good until I wear a dress that just covered my snatch and the attention was on me more then you liked.

Who introduced me to drugs and binge drinking?  Yes it was cool at 16...looking back now you were stupid, immature and a crap role model. You were meant to nurture me, protect me and help me grow...instead you cut me down, poisoned me and drove me to my lowest point.  Shit I was in hospital and you didn't even pick me up after I was discharged, no my best friends mum did.  Do you realise how many times I wanted to end my life because of you?  You killed part of me so many times that doing it myself one final time was an escape.  Sadly the one time I tried a friend of mine saved me.  Again, you weren't there.

Watching you set upon your own daughter who was aged 6 should of set me off.....but I again was to scared to speak out.  Hearing the thud of her hit the wall followed by her holding back the scream that was in her throat chilled me.  The glint in your eyes and the hatred in your voice to your own child still haunts me to this day.  For fuck sake, she was a little girl excited because she thought she heard the Easter bunny. How was she to know it was you setting it up?  How you kept your children from DOC's I will never know.  You always made sure they had the newest toys, a wardrobe full of pretty clothing and that they were always clean.  Doc's were onto you but you always dodged the bullet.  Sadly they didn't know that the toys were stolen, that the clothes came from other peoples clothes lines and charity bins.  My god you left them alone at night, in their beds so you could go to the pub!

I thought once I got older things would change but belittling my husband, being jealous of me because I had a good career and starting my own family got to much for you.  No sister dearest..I never once 'rubbed' my house into your face.  All I wanted was for you to be proud of me, be excited for the new and wonderful things that were to come but instead you demanded my time, got jealous of my husband and tried to put wall's up in my relationship's with our other siblings and worst of all, our parents.

You weren't always evil.  There was love in your heart at times.  We would sit and watch a chick flick, both crying together and then burst into laughter.
Take road trips in the middle of the night to fuck knows where and get pulled over by the police in our pj's in the process.
And you could sing....I loved listening to you sing.  You face would light up, your eyes would twinkle magically and your heart was happy.  There was no madness in your voice, no anger just pure happiness.

I suppose what I really want to say to you is thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to belittle myself, seek comfort in food, alcohol and depression all those years ago.  Without going through all that, I wouldn't of gotten to the point of breaking, being that fat ugly girl you use to point out to me and finally, finding the person I am today, with the help love and support of my wanker husband and dickhead using friends.

Thank you for showing me that being a nasty mother isn't the mother I ever want to be.  Respecting my children, loving them and growing with them is much more comforting then making the punch the living shit out of each other.

Thank you for hurting me in more ways then I have mentioned here.  You know exactly what I'm talking about at this point.  Whilst I wasn't born the with the silver spoon in my mouth as you so think, I have worked fucking hard for what I have accomplished in my life and even harder to find my true self in the last 2 years.

Lastly....after all that, after all the pain, the sadness and nastiness.

I truly still do miss you like you wouldn't believe.

Your little sister

xxM

1 week...my oh my

Today is one of those days!!!  As Julie would say - its a for fuck's sake day!

Today marks 1 week since my new juicing path
Ive lost 4.3kg's in that week (9pounds and 7 oz)
I have NEVER lost so much before in 1 week

I started this to get cleaner, get back to my raw food eating ways.

I have to say it hasn't been easy, Ive felt guilty almost for having a little to eat BUT I'm listening to my body...I'm tuning into it.

I don't crave food like I use to.

My caveman yearnings for meat have subsided (can you believe that shit)

I watch...yes watch people eat and think mehhh nope not interested.

I am finally drinking 2L of water a day again

The last 8 weeks saw me put on a shit load of weight.

By a shit load I mean a fucking shit load!

New scales were 4kg's more but shit all of a sudden I'm back up to

113.6kg's

FOR FUCK SAKE!!!

To say I'm not happy is an understatement

Yes exercise has subsided due to it being freeing cold (sorry -4 mornings don't get me going)

My work schedule as well as hubbies has been utter madness and juggling that with 4 kids isn't easy.

Eating has been utterly CRAP.  Allowing myself to not eat breaky again and fall into the same crap I did for all those years...just when you think you have something you get all cocky and it falls to shit!

Ive been quiet depressed due to a few family members causing stress and honestly Ive been quiet disapointed with other elements in my life which I dont feel comfortable discussing at present.

SOOOOOOO

To make myself accountable and keep on track 

Wednesday 4th July

weighing in at 111kg's

today saw me weigh

109.3kg's

I'm pissed...yeah a little.  I worked so hard to get down to under 100kg's and hello *bitch slap to face* 

BUT

I'm going to get back there, be healthy and hopefully not come back up again.

I'm forgetting that Ive had a sore neck and head all day

forgetting that the kids screamed, kicked and screamed some more at each other

forgetting that there was no electricity today

forgetting that I had 20 things to do on my to do list and only did 3 of them

I'm taking my freshly juiced yumminess to work with a smile on my face

mwahs lovelies

Day 4 - Sammi Special

What are best friends for I ask...sharing their yummiest juice recipes with, that's what.

Today I made Sammi's favourite and it shall be from here onwards be know as Sammi's Special.

 

Sammi's Special

1 beetroot

2 carrots

1 stalk celery  2 red apples

6 leaves of Kale

little ginger

Sam told me to tread carefully with the ginger cause to much can make it turn nasty.

I also replaced the lovely disgusting celery with 2 red apples.

I also had a helper today who couldn't wait to juice everything for me but wasn't in it when it came to tasting the out come.

Although she said it smelt fine its looked weird.

My verdict on the juice

Yep love it!

I have a thing for raw beetroot as many of you would know anyway.  I love it grated raw on my wraps and in salads but juiced...MWAH!!!! hot shit baby!!!

So thank you my beautiful Sammi for sharing it with me.

I'm hoping my stupid flu is on the way out the door.  My cough is minor to what it was and my chest isn't as heavy so I'm hoping to get back to the gym wednesday night.

Today in the 30 plus group some wonderful gal's started a wonderful selfie idea.

To take a picture of yourself and write the good and the bad things about yourself on it

BUT

to end it with

I am fucking awesome and so are you.

You know it took me ages to think of shit to put on mine and then I didn't like the first one and did another and ahhhhhh BRAIN FARTING TIME!!!!

So here they are, sharing both of them in here now

It was a great exercise to reflect where I have been, who I am and where I'm hoping on going.

I saw so many awesome pictures of woman and a few men (Greg) doing so many different things.

Their faces echoing out the words they had typed.

Some, well nearly all of them, stung at my heart. 

Things I have never known about some.  I see them with a different light behind them now.

We never really know people.  To many of us hide behind a happy smile, silly jokes and pulling the piss out of ourselves.   We don't tend to open up, hiding behind the happiness when inside parts of us are screaming out,  dying in silence. Over the last 2 days, Ive learnt the pain, the sadness, the strength and the shine these people have.  The totally amaze me with their determination and trust in sharing those moments and thoughts with others.

Thank you 30plus team

YOU ARE ALL FUCKING AWESOME!!

Day 3 - nasty nasty

What am I talking about

fucking celery!!!

You can dip that shit in chocolate, wrap it up in bacon or pay me a million dollars

I wont be having that in my juice again!

I can handle it cooked in in small amounts but in juice

no, no maz says FUCKING NO!!

I don't care how much YOU love it, how yummy it is, how good it is for my body.

Its disgusting!

I took my morning breaky juice and had my head in the sink, dry ralphing with an audience of 4 kids laughing at me cause I drank that green 'slim' and 2 cats trying to catch glimpse of what wasn't coming out of my throat.

I have to say though I really don't feel hungry.  My tummy isn't screaming out FEED ME, its my brain.

I feel like Ive given up smoking again.  My ciggies were always in my hand, it gave my hands something to do. Instead my mouth hasn't got food in it to chew and they want something to do.

Last night - I caved and had a salad sandwich...yep all my brain could do was tell me I needed  it and I went with it.
Know what I discovered.
Half way through it I thought why am I eating this, I'm not even hungry.  It doesn't taste right.
I finished it and sat there wondering why on earth I did what I just did.
Even though I was getting everything from my juice was I missing just food in general?

I have to serve customers this sort of food every night.  Before 12wbt and my life change I would of stood there, with my mouth watering and busting everything to sit and inhale the lot. Now...meh couldn't give a shit.   I took my night juice with me to work last night and I very happily drank that.  I did get a giggle out of my boss and work colleges as they screwed up their faces at it.
Yet I still had that sandwich.  After a night with tummy cramps I made a decision.
I would have a snack of raw fruit / veggies with a home made dip of no fat Greek yogurt and french onion soup combined.
It worked a treat.  No wanting to eat anything tonight, even though I made a roast chicken with steamed veggies and roast potatoes.  Nothing.
OH and best of all, tried the dip on the kids and they LOVED it. Mateauz even asked me for more.
Seems he's become a bit of a juice lover aswell. Informing us if its nioce or yucky...he was spot on with the celery one of course *wink*

I think I may have OD'ed on the orange concoction from yesterday as well, lets just say the gases protruding from my butt werent' pretty and the smell of fermented oranges remained in my bedroom until I opened the windows and aired it out this morning.  Bloody bastard didn't help with this stupid cough either.
I will make sure I don't put so many oranges into my juices from now on

When you think about it though, the amount of whole foods that are put into juice in comparison to what you would eat is hugely different.  There is no way I would eat 2 apples at one time, let alone all the other ingredient's involved in one glass of juice.
I'm starting to feel a little lively again.  My bloating has simmered down.  My house has looked like a bomb site for the last few months due to travelling, family business and work commitments..this weekend has seen me tip Vy's bedroom on its ear, pump out an order and prep for another, actual fold washing once it was dry and began on the mammoth task of decluttering our room. Shit I might even unpack my suitcase from my girls weekend in Darwin from 3 weeks ago yet.

Here's to monday and day 4

ETA

Recipe for dip
no fat Greek yogurt and 1 packet of french onion dip

enjoy
xx