Tuesday, August 12, 2014

8 months of sadness

Its been along time. Ive had no energy, no will, no fight.

Life has gotten crazy and I decided hoping into study, work and being everything else would be a great distraction from the pain.  I'm hurting, bad.  Some day's I feel like I cant breath, like I'm suffocating slowly.  Other day's I feel like the world is my oyster but the pain niggles away at me.

Today has been a massive wake up for me.

It started seeing Robin Williams face all over Facebook.  Always a man with a smile on his face, hiding the pain and hurt he felt inside for so many years.
Depression is an arsehat.
It grabs at you in your worst times, feeding your worst fear's and striving to bring you down when you least need it.
Bless your cotton sock's Mr William's. I for one cried my eye's out this morning.  I cant imagine the sadness and pain you felt to take you to the point that pushed you to your limit.
You will always have a special place in my heart sweet man.

Putting clothes on this morning I realised I have gone back to old habit's.  I living in tracksuit pants again. My jean's cut the circulation off from my torso to my legs and I seem to develop this second set of boob's under my first set.  Standing, naked after my shower I stood there not knowing what the fuck to put on. Shit me, Ive been here before, left and come back again. NO NO NO!!!

Having to donate blood today I decided I would eat something big for lunch instead of dinner, I was out…so I had a kebab. OMG it was devine... and inhaled it while I was shopping.  I caught glimpse of something in the mirror. A big chick, wearing a jumper like mine stuffing the fuck out of her face with food…..wait that was me. I threw the remaining kebab in the bin and felt ashamed of myself instantly.

Donating blood was another notch in the crap bin.  Having a low hemoglobin count shocked me. My levels have always been high and today they were low, to low to donate. I was told that I would have to wait 6 months now before attempting to donate again.  So upset with the entire situation.

It then hit me. For the last 8 months Ive been living a double life.  For 6 months I studied full time, worked part time as well as be a wife, mother and daughter.  Hiding, keeping myself busy so not to think about how shit I have been feeling.  Every time I get a moment to myself I tend to either eat or sleep.  My fitness, exercise routine has gone out the window.  I'm just so exhausted at night that I fall into bed and sleep for a few hours, to wake up and stare at the ceiling before falling asleep in the early hours of the morning.  I'm finding I am throwing anything down my throat to feed myself to keep my afloat and when ever I try to get back on the right path its all to hard.
They say your house is a reflection of what's in your mind…well my mind is pretty fucked up atm then.  I have neglected it badly, shit I cant even remember the last time I saw the floor in my sewing area.

Over this time, I have tried time and time again to get back some control but it all get so hard, I begin to  feel the drag and the pain kicks in again.  I need to overcome it, need to let out what's inside.  I cant concentrate on making me better without trying to get my head clear.  I am over counting numbers, watching what the fuck I eat, over thinking shit like how many calories have i had today, oh that means I can only drink a glass of water tonight.  Getting to a stage were I am panicking wednesday mornings cause I know the scales are going to say hello there, I see we've put on a few more kg's this week.
Why cant we be happy being us? Why do we need to improve ourselves all the time?  Why do we put all this stress on ourselves?  Fuck I feel depressed at the thought of all my answers.

I want to love myself again