Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Judgement day

the day I have been dreading....measuring up and weighing in.

I get on such a high when I do the the feeling exercise gives me. I feel like I could take on the world.  Yesterday saw me jogging 2km's on an off and walking 8km's...a calorie burn off off over 1000.
Boo Yeah!!!!  Im so happy to be back into it.  

Venturing onto the forum after my morning session in -2 degree heat I noticed weigh in and measurements  could be put in....bugger it, bite the bullet, stripped to my flabby freezing glory and got the measuring tape out.   

Happily I hadn't put on heaps of cm's in the last 4 weeks...but I was pissed at myself for putting on 2kg's.  Bloody dickhead how did I do it!! I tell you how..... I ate Macca's for the first time in 6 months and though ahh it doesn't matter I'll just work it off....again DICKHEAD!!!!  Ive been drinking less water and preferring cups of tea with sugar and milk...again DICKHEAD!!

I had a few weeks of between rounds. Ive had so much going on in my life that I couldn't concentrate and thought dropping my mornings for a bit would help....yes we can say it, all together now 


Well I can tell you, that shit IS NOT happening again!!!  
Not only did I manage to put weigh back on but
  1. bad habit of night time grazing decided to pay me a visit, 
  2. the apples that I had in my pantry decided to stay in the fruit shop  
  3. this little prick of a thing called depression  decided to come and park his arse back on my couch.
after today's picture was taken, in all my pink bra, granny knickers and over the moon, teeth showing dazzling smile I'M making my self a list, and checking it twice!

Today I will
  1. not eat after 7pm
  2. kick the scruffy arshole depression to the curb and will never let him in my house again
  3. drink more water and if I want a hot drink I'll boil the jug and put lemon in hot water
  4. BUY FUCKING APPLES and bring them home!!!!

This is my picture for the beginning of round 2.  Please note the same pink bra and knickers as discussed previously...also not the I refuse to smile because I HATE beginning of round pictures.

Im going for a hot shower and I might find a lemon or 2 to suck on.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Pavement thinking's

What else do you do when you are zoned into your session?  think...over think and think some more.

A recent post on a facebook support page I'm part of got me thinking this morning.  This lady commented how wonderful it was to be able to get on a miniature train with her son as she hadn't been able to in the past due to her size.  I had tear's of happiness and a smile from ear to ear when I read it.  Its every mum's dream, to participate in fun things with their children and she had done it...with all her hard work she did it!

I remember how humiliated I felt years ago when we had a family holiday to the Gold Coast.  My daughter, my ONLY daughter wanted to go on all the princess of course I did the mum thing and got on with her.  I barely fit into the tea cup and saucer.  The centre wheel dug deep into my tummy, making it uncomfortable,  As the ride began I could feel the wheel turning and digging in even more to my fat roll.  I felt like everyone was looking at me and cringed when the photo's were taken.  My embarrassment, my humiliation of being a fat lady was forever remembered.  Pictures and me don't mix....I feel like my fat is coming out of the picture, slapping my stupidly in the face and teasing me ner ner I'm here and there's nothing you can do about me

Gold coast 2009

Last year I was invited to my high school reunion.
I made excuses to not go....the children and hubby working being them.
Honestly was my shame of being a fat woman that kept me from going.  I was to ashamed in how big I had become.  In high school I was thin, wore make up, wore the best clothes.
Last year I wore size 26 tops that fit me snug, make up couldn't hide the puffy face and thin...pfft that was a chip wasn't it.  I didn't want people laughing about how one of the popular girls had gotten the size of an elephant, you know cause popular girls had it all coming to them.
My weight and self esteem got in the way of me seeing people I had hung out with 20 years ago. the night of the reunion I sat here, devouring Macca's and crying into my chips.
Being fat was ruling my life.  It was placing wall's up to fence out people in fear.
How do we get over it? How do we bulldoze the wall? 
Ive spoken to friends in the past about my weight, suppose I was trying to reach out.  When I told them how much I weighed I often got told I didn't look that BIG..  Were my friends blind?  didn't they see the rolls, my fat neck, my legs that rubbed together, my chubby fingers that had my rings cutting into them?

This lady isn't going to be that fat lady any more!
Every morning when my feet take a step, its another step away from the person that was.
No more feeling ashamed and uncomfortable about getting my picture taken.


Sunday, May 27, 2012

The road to now

Slowly people started to notice a change in me.  
As my confidence grew a smile would form on my lips and a hello to people would escape.
My drug would pump through my vein's and the high I had missed for so long took over my body.  My emotion's changed, the anger, grief and sadness that had been locked up for so long, slowly evaporated out of my self and there was a skip to my step.

Gulping back the spew that formed in the pit of my mouth I took the above.  It made me sick to see my breast sitting on my stomach and my arse sticking out half a mile int he back but I knew that months down the track it would help me to never come back to this.

A beautiful friend of mine had given me a bag full of clothes that I had gladly excepted last year. At the time I placed them in my wardrobe and cried my self stupid as my bingo winged arms wouldn't allow me to put on the cotton shirts, let alone have the jean's come up above my knee's. March 1st, I thought now or never.....and grabbed one.  The smile on my smug face says enough....and now that top is worn with pride.

These tracksuit pants are a men's size XXL....with the elastic removed!!  They dug into my belly and helped hide what lay beneath for far to long.  They now sit high on the self in my wardrobe.  I take them down every now and then.  I shake my head at the size of them...bloody hell how did I think they were did I allow myself to believe I was healthy wearing such disgustingly horrible pants!

I've said to my close friends that I cant see the difference when I look in the mirror.  For far to long I  was use to the fat lady, with the huge neck, the sunken, tiny eyes looking back at me.   My skin was dry, it was pimply, hair was limp and lifeless.
Its only been recently that I have noticed how much my face and self have changed.
I feel pretty again...I feel alive for the first time in a long time.

The photo's above were taken 
October 2011 - Feb 2012 - April 2012

The ones below were taken
August 2011 last week - May 2012

I think Ive changed a bit 

This is my most favourite picture of them all.
Taken Beginning of May.
Its me wearing my size 24 city chic jeans and my darling 5 year old daughter in them with me.
She weighs what I have lost..21kg's to date.

I am now in a size 16 - 18 city chic jeans

Look at how unhappy I am in the left picture.
The fat round fat, the huge double chin, the big pregnant looking belly.  All I can think of is thank god I've got pj pants on cause it sure would ugly with out them.
These 2 pictures are 18 months apart.

Here I am, one week before round 2 of the Michelle Bridges body transformation.
Am I ready?
Am I going to smash it this round?
I think I'm more motivated then last round.  The nerves, the excuses are non existent..the excitement is at an all time high.  
Don't tell Michelle but I started today...I couldn't wait any more....the drug called life was calling out to me, whispering my name for me to come and join her

How could I refuse her hit.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Step one

Coming out Ive been told is one of the hardest thing's you'll ever have to do in your life. Its even harder when your thighs are rippling layers of fat and your tummy wobbles in sync to the base in the songs on the radio. Stepping out of that fat closest and craming yourself into a pair of lycra was not my idea of fun back in December I tell you. But this picture was the picture that broke this fat ladies back!
All I could see was the sadness in my face...the pain of what I had in my heart. My life is the one I choose. My families need's took more importance in my life then my own.

Having 2 special need's children, aswell as 2 other gorgeous children, a work at home business amoung other thing's...well you get the picture.

 I look at the picture above and wonder how my husband found me attractive. My tummy hung over my *cough* region, layers of fat folded ontop of each other and when I got off the cough a pillow was forever stuck to the coffee table arse I had created all by myself. My breast would sit on my tummy, nice and proud and in turn wouldnt allow my to see past my ample waist to view my toes. I wore size 24 - 26 clothes and found that most of them hung like empty circus tents flapping around my fat. They weren't flattering but the covered my shame.

So many time I would try a diet, try and improve my life but life would get in the wya and I put myself on the back burner yet again. I began to be scared off trying incase I failed yet again. The last time I lost 15kg's I had a cyst on my bowel removed and was in so much pain for 18 months after wards due to the procedure that I thought if I tried again it would all repeat itself over and over.

Christmas day I stepped onto my scales......131kg fuck me how the hell did I get to this!!!

On the 27th of December I clicked on and emailed my interested to the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation Program.

December 27th was the day I took my life back.

Once I sent that email in I set myself a small goal of no more soft drink, no more drinking anything but 2L of water and ONE cup of coffee a day. Like any drug I had my ups and downs with the withdrawals but I had to sweat it out and get over the edge. I still to this day am luck if I have consumed 2L of soft drink...something I though I could never live without.

For the first month I said nothing. Only a hand full of people knew what I was doing.....