Monday, July 22, 2013

Dear Sister

Its been along time since we spoke to each other.  Last words you spoke to me were at J's funeral when you hissed with venom ' who's the loser now? '

Sadly its the last memory I have of you and its one I would love to not have.  Hatred comes easy to you, bitter resentment, jealous hearted and hurt flow speedily through you and it lashes out to those who have cared to give you a bit of their love.

Remember that time, when I was 4 and mum told you to bath me...remember?  you were 14 and thought it was funny as hell to hold me head under water....the entire time I was screaming for air but all I could hear was your laughter.   I can still feel my eyes bulging while my lungs were straining for air and sadly I still hear that horrid laugh of yours.

You always made a point of pointing out other woman and asking if you were fat or ugly like them.  I have no idea why you were always so hooked up on comparing yourself to others.  I always thought you were perfect the way you were.  Others thought the same, the loved you, took you in their arms but your horrid ways steps in, destroying any forms of friendship and love that were built around you.

My pre teenage years were awkward enough without you trying to get your own children hurting me, brainwashing them with your bullshit and allowing them to lash out at me aswell.  Setting it up that I was the one who would cope the rath of dad's hand and watch you and your eldest daughter smirk happily that it was done, time and time again.

Living with you at 16 should of been the best time in my life.  Instead you beat me stupidly infront of your daughters because you wanted me to go shop lifting with you.  I'm sorry that I had friends that wanted me to hang out with them at the pool on a 36degree's day instead of wearing a huge woollen jumper to thieve food from shops.  I have no idea what you did with the $200 a fortnight of my $220 Austudy you demanded from me..I was to scared to ask in case I received another beating from you.  Belittling me infront of your male friends, and parading me at the local pub for you to catch a man became your  next trick.   All was good until I wear a dress that just covered my snatch and the attention was on me more then you liked.

Who introduced me to drugs and binge drinking?  Yes it was cool at 16...looking back now you were stupid, immature and a crap role model. You were meant to nurture me, protect me and help me grow...instead you cut me down, poisoned me and drove me to my lowest point.  Shit I was in hospital and you didn't even pick me up after I was discharged, no my best friends mum did.  Do you realise how many times I wanted to end my life because of you?  You killed part of me so many times that doing it myself one final time was an escape.  Sadly the one time I tried a friend of mine saved me.  Again, you weren't there.

Watching you set upon your own daughter who was aged 6 should of set me off.....but I again was to scared to speak out.  Hearing the thud of her hit the wall followed by her holding back the scream that was in her throat chilled me.  The glint in your eyes and the hatred in your voice to your own child still haunts me to this day.  For fuck sake, she was a little girl excited because she thought she heard the Easter bunny. How was she to know it was you setting it up?  How you kept your children from DOC's I will never know.  You always made sure they had the newest toys, a wardrobe full of pretty clothing and that they were always clean.  Doc's were onto you but you always dodged the bullet.  Sadly they didn't know that the toys were stolen, that the clothes came from other peoples clothes lines and charity bins.  My god you left them alone at night, in their beds so you could go to the pub!

I thought once I got older things would change but belittling my husband, being jealous of me because I had a good career and starting my own family got to much for you.  No sister dearest..I never once 'rubbed' my house into your face.  All I wanted was for you to be proud of me, be excited for the new and wonderful things that were to come but instead you demanded my time, got jealous of my husband and tried to put wall's up in my relationship's with our other siblings and worst of all, our parents.

You weren't always evil.  There was love in your heart at times.  We would sit and watch a chick flick, both crying together and then burst into laughter.
Take road trips in the middle of the night to fuck knows where and get pulled over by the police in our pj's in the process.
And you could sing....I loved listening to you sing.  You face would light up, your eyes would twinkle magically and your heart was happy.  There was no madness in your voice, no anger just pure happiness.

I suppose what I really want to say to you is thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to belittle myself, seek comfort in food, alcohol and depression all those years ago.  Without going through all that, I wouldn't of gotten to the point of breaking, being that fat ugly girl you use to point out to me and finally, finding the person I am today, with the help love and support of my wanker husband and dickhead using friends.

Thank you for showing me that being a nasty mother isn't the mother I ever want to be.  Respecting my children, loving them and growing with them is much more comforting then making the punch the living shit out of each other.

Thank you for hurting me in more ways then I have mentioned here.  You know exactly what I'm talking about at this point.  Whilst I wasn't born the with the silver spoon in my mouth as you so think, I have worked fucking hard for what I have accomplished in my life and even harder to find my true self in the last 2 years.

Lastly....after all that, after all the pain, the sadness and nastiness.

I truly still do miss you like you wouldn't believe.

Your little sister


Thursday, July 4, 2013

1 oh my

Today is one of those days!!!  As Julie would say - its a for fuck's sake day!

Today marks 1 week since my new juicing path
Ive lost 4.3kg's in that week (9pounds and 7 oz)
I have NEVER lost so much before in 1 week

I started this to get cleaner, get back to my raw food eating ways.
I have to say it hasn't been easy, Ive felt guilty almost for having a little to eat BUT I'm listening to my body...I'm tuning into it.
I don't crave food like I use to.
My caveman yearnings for meat have subsided (can you believe that shit)
I watch...yes watch people eat and think mehhh nope not interested.
I am finally drinking 2L of water a day again

The last 8 weeks saw me put on a shit load of weight.
By a shit load I mean a fucking shit load!
New scales were 4kg's more but shit all of a sudden I'm back up to
To say I'm not happy is an understatement
Yes exercise has subsided due to it being freeing cold (sorry -4 mornings don't get me going)
My work schedule as well as hubbies has been utter madness and juggling that with 4 kids isn't easy.
Eating has been utterly CRAP.  Allowing myself to not eat breaky again and fall into the same crap I did for all those years...just when you think you have something you get all cocky and it falls to shit!
Ive been quiet depressed due to a few family members causing stress and honestly Ive been quiet disapointed with other elements in my life which I dont feel comfortable discussing at present.

To make myself accountable and keep on track 

Wednesday 4th July
weighing in at 111kg's

today saw me weigh

I'm pissed...yeah a little.  I worked so hard to get down to under 100kg's and hello *bitch slap to face* 
I'm going to get back there, be healthy and hopefully not come back up again.

I'm forgetting that Ive had a sore neck and head all day
forgetting that the kids screamed, kicked and screamed some more at each other
forgetting that there was no electricity today
forgetting that I had 20 things to do on my to do list and only did 3 of them

I'm taking my freshly juiced yumminess to work with a smile on my face

mwahs lovelies

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Day 4 - Sammi Special

What are best friends for I ask...sharing their yummiest juice recipes with, that's what.
Today I made Sammi's favourite and it shall be from here onwards be know as Sammi's Special.


Sammi's Special

1 beetroot
2 carrots
1 stalk celery  2 red apples
6 leaves of Kale
little ginger

Sam told me to tread carefully with the ginger cause to much can make it turn nasty.
I also replaced the lovely disgusting celery with 2 red apples.

I also had a helper today who couldn't wait to juice everything for me but wasn't in it when it came to tasting the out come.
Although she said it smelt fine its looked weird.

My verdict on the juice

Yep love it!
I have a thing for raw beetroot as many of you would know anyway.  I love it grated raw on my wraps and in salads but juiced...MWAH!!!! hot shit baby!!!
So thank you my beautiful Sammi for sharing it with me.

I'm hoping my stupid flu is on the way out the door.  My cough is minor to what it was and my chest isn't as heavy so I'm hoping to get back to the gym wednesday night.

Today in the 30 plus group some wonderful gal's started a wonderful selfie idea.
To take a picture of yourself and write the good and the bad things about yourself on it
to end it with
I am fucking awesome and so are you.
You know it took me ages to think of shit to put on mine and then I didn't like the first one and did another and ahhhhhh BRAIN FARTING TIME!!!!
So here they are, sharing both of them in here now

It was a great exercise to reflect where I have been, who I am and where I'm hoping on going.
I saw so many awesome pictures of woman and a few men (Greg) doing so many different things.
Their faces echoing out the words they had typed.
Some, well nearly all of them, stung at my heart. 
Things I have never known about some.  I see them with a different light behind them now.
We never really know people.  To many of us hide behind a happy smile, silly jokes and pulling the piss out of ourselves.   We don't tend to open up, hiding behind the happiness when inside parts of us are screaming out,  dying in silence. Over the last 2 days, Ive learnt the pain, the sadness, the strength and the shine these people have.  The totally amaze me with their determination and trust in sharing those moments and thoughts with others.
Thank you 30plus team