Sunday, September 22, 2013

Feeding the brain

Mind fucks of the moment

Having your brain screaming at you EAT EAT EAT and you know dame well your not hungry.

Fighting within yourself, having your brain tell you its alright, tomorrow is another day you can eat clean then.
Hearing the food in the fridge calling you.
Having the television showing add after add of mouth watering hot crisp food.
The pepsi max bubbling away to drink it, let me get in your mouth and I'll show you what a party is.

You would KILL to have that piece of KFC or whopper with onion rings.
That piece of cake in the fridge dripping in cream and icing.
The 2L tub of ice cream in the freezer with chocolate topping..............

That emotional high with the first mouth full that lasts a total of 2 seconds because you turn into some totally fucking animal, ripping apart your food, swallowing mouth fulls without even chewing properly so your brain gets feed.  10 minutes later your sitting there, on the brink of tears cause you know that you didnt need to eat that fat, calorie saturated cardboard food and your stomach grumbles in protest.  You look down and you look like you 20 months pregnant with twins and then your bowels start to protest the plastic food you just inhaled.......

Lets face it its not the stomach that wants it..your brain is telling you what to do.

Ive been fighting this mo-fo all day.
I have yummy lamb chops that were cooked on the  BBQ yesterday yelling at me.
Shit I almost caved and put the kids in the car to drive them to Macca's justify it to myself that Id buy a $2 salad and a $2 pop corn chicken on top.

Nope big 

Kids had home made toasted cheese sanga's with some banana's and apples.  I had a wrap with avocado, tuna and baby spinach leaf's. OH and 2 glasses of water to wash it down.

Yeah take that brain...fuck you and your needs to eat shit.  Fuck you and making me over think what to eat.  Fuck you and fighting me over this. 

I wear the panties in the house NOT YOU!!!!

Parting the clothes in my closet

Its been along time since I posted for me.  I really never realised how much I did compress and keep to myself after my last blog post.  To say it fucked me emotionally is an understatement.  I withdrew into my closet, burying myself in my sadness and some of my old fat clothes.  I couldn't read comments in groups or on peoples pages without feeling shit. Depression creeps in and curls its long bony fingers around your heart and mind, leaving you with no control...just darkness.  My sunshine and lollipop's had vanished and I was falling deeper and deeper.

How did it happen?  I was on top of the world.  I worked my arse of for such along time not to feel like this again.  How dare it come back to slap me.  How dare it let the excuses to creep back in and cripple my happy place.

Exercise had become a laughing matter, a joke again.  I feel so good and happy after going for a walk and run how did this escape me?

Going away for a family holiday helped. I spent some much loved time with my husband and beautiful amigo's.  A week at the snow was organised and inside...I was shitting myself.  Id always put it off due to my size...nothing snow appropriate fitted me.  I came close to tears trying on XL jackets that wouldn't meet in the middle to cover me.  I did find some eventually and they fit...something positive and warming yet I felt like the side of a house again.

Depression taking over my mind and feeding me blackness because the sun was shining a little.   I remember going away to QLD years ago and Vy wanting me to get on the teacup ride at Dreamworld with her...I squeezed myself into that ride and sat in agony as the centre wheel turned and cut into my gutt, which over flowed onto it.   Next year I plan to go on that same ride and show it who's the boss!

Doing a 5km local fun run didn't even get the exercise bug in me going.
Even doing it in 46mins didn't help.
Chest infection kicked in and sickness for 3 weeks.
I felt empty, deflated and worn out.  The last thing that I needed was to go do anything physical.
I wanted sleep.  I wanted to eat like I use to and not give a utter fuck about life.
Eating like I use to didn't last long.  Its amazing how much I really had changed in my eating habits since 2 years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I ate some not so health complementing things BUT I didn't gorge myself on them like I would of.  Soft drink is STILL disgusting for me. Eating fried food came excuse was to try it so I could tell customers what it was like...yeah right keep feeding yourself that bullshit maz!

I am so grateful that I have the love and support of my husband.
Over the 17 years of our relationship we have been through so any ups and downs yet we are here, still together stronger then ever.  I really don't know how I would of coped mentally over the last few months without him.  No I never told him how I had been feeling but I don't really have to.  He has a way of tuning into me and without saying a word, fixes things in me that need it.
I told him that I needed to do something great and good for me again and he said to go and join the MB program again but only when I am ready.

So yep, you guessed it, I have rejoined for round 4.
I am recommitting myself to myself.
Being healthy - eating well and enjoying my life again starts now

Plan's have been made

Sweat verses steam at Echuca in October
City2Sea at Albert Park Melbourne in November
Mad cow here in Shepparton in March
plans for a half marathon in July at the Gold Coast 

Life is for living
I'm going to live again