Parting the clothes in my closet

Its been along time since I posted for me.  I really never realised how much I did compress and keep to myself after my last blog post.  To say it fucked me emotionally is an understatement.  I withdrew into my closet, burying myself in my sadness and some of my old fat clothes.  I couldn't read comments in groups or on peoples pages without feeling shit. Depression creeps in and curls its long bony fingers around your heart and mind, leaving you with no control...just darkness.  My sunshine and lollipop's had vanished and I was falling deeper and deeper.

How did it happen?  I was on top of the world.  I worked my arse of for such along time not to feel like this again.  How dare it come back to slap me.  How dare it let the excuses to creep back in and cripple my happy place.

Exercise had become a laughing matter, a joke again.  I feel so good and happy after going for a walk and run how did this escape me?

Going away for a family holiday helped. I spent some much loved time with my husband and beautiful amigo's.  A week at the snow was organised and inside...I was shitting myself.  Id always put it off due to my size...nothing snow appropriate fitted me.  I came close to tears trying on XL jackets that wouldn't meet in the middle to cover me.  I did find some eventually and they fit...something positive and warming yet I felt like the side of a house again.

Depression taking over my mind and feeding me blackness because the sun was shining a little.   I remember going away to QLD years ago and Vy wanting me to get on the teacup ride at Dreamworld with her...I squeezed myself into that ride and sat in agony as the centre wheel turned and cut into my gutt, which over flowed onto it.   Next year I plan to go on that same ride and show it who's the boss!

Doing a 5km local fun run didn't even get the exercise bug in me going.

Even doing it in 46mins didn't help.

Chest infection kicked in and sickness for 3 weeks.

I felt empty, deflated and worn out.  The last thing that I needed was to go do anything physical.

I wanted sleep.  I wanted to eat like I use to and not give a utter fuck about life.

Eating like I use to didn't last long.  Its amazing how much I really had changed in my eating habits since 2 years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I ate some not so health complementing things BUT I didn't gorge myself on them like I would of.  Soft drink is STILL disgusting for me. Eating fried food came back....my excuse was to try it so I could tell customers what it was like...yeah right keep feeding yourself that bullshit maz!

I am so grateful that I have the love and support of my husband.

Over the 17 years of our relationship we have been through so any ups and downs yet we are here, still together stronger then ever.  I really don't know how I would of coped mentally over the last few months without him.  No I never told him how I had been feeling but I don't really have to.  He has a way of tuning into me and without saying a word, fixes things in me that need it.

I told him that I needed to do something great and good for me again and he said to go and join the MB program again but only when I am ready.

So yep, you guessed it, I have rejoined for round 4.

I am recommitting myself to myself.

Being healthy - eating well and enjoying my life again starts now

Plan's have been made

Sweat verses steam at Echuca in October

City2Sea at Albert Park Melbourne in November

Mad cow here in Shepparton in March

AND

plans for a half marathon in July at the Gold Coast 

Life is for living

I'm going to live again

xx