Tuesday, April 30, 2013


Michelle posted the following on her Facebook page last friday

You should enjoy your food! Today I want to challenge you to sit down and eat your meals at a table, without distractions - that means no TV! Slow down and savour your food - if you are mindful about what you are putting in your mouth, you'll eat less! Xx

After reading it my word of the week popped out and introduced it's self to me



It's not just about the food...alright maybe just a little bit.  Everything taste so dame different now.  Its like I had a taste bud transplant or perhaps that I stopped my throw down my throat approach to eating. You know the sort of eating.....its all infront of you, you take one bite and inhale the remained of your meal only to find yourself disgusted once its all gone.  You cant remember how good it tasted because your throat became an open funnel to your stomach while you made sure food never danced with your taste buds.  Remorse set's in about 10 min's after your toxic consumption once the bloating, burping and farting start.
Now....I take my time, I let my food set in my mouth for a while, letting the flavours to slowly melt into my tongue and allowing me to savour every last mouthful.  I never realised how delishes a bloody apple was until I sat down and really tasted it. Little under ripe and its a bit tart, stingy almost but breathtakingly delishes.  Even though my meals are a 1/4 of the size of what they were, I feel fuller and my appetite is complete with what I eat because its not just my stomach that Ive feed, Ive manage to nurture my other sense's and wants by sitting back, smelling it all and enjoying every savouring moment.


Life is just a magic time we get to spend that seems to slide past so quickly.  So many of us are busy working day and night, forgetting the important things.  Money isn't the bee's all and end's all.  Telling our children not now..later is a fob off.  Stand back and watch....spending time with those close around you is more important then quiet, more important then working all hours to have that little extra in your pocket at the end of the week.
Hubby and I use to work ourselves to the bone.  Hubby at his position where he didn't and doesn't have a lunch break because he is so busy.  Me with my sewing business sewing 12 - 14 hours a day telling the kids sorry I cant play right now, mama has to work.  And for what?  To miss out on their laughter, making mud pies, jumping on the trampoline and most of all savouring their childhood with them. 
We've decided to make sure Sunday's are a no work day.  They are now family day's.  Together we do thing's that embed in our minds so we can smile later in the week with the memory of that time.  Its not just just about going out and spending money doing something either...sitting together, reading a book or playing a board game, feeling your children's happy laughter, going to the park for a picnic or going for a drive in the darkness of night to see the pretty fairy lights in the tree's to hear their astonished surprise at the sight of it.


I find its something we can take for granted.  Everyone has one, well we hope they do.  Friends except us for who not what we are, or so we hope.  Do we have big expectations off those about us that we hold close in our friend circle?  
I have no expectations from those who I consider close to me bah a hello once in a while.  The circle changes from time to time. Life styles clash, we move about and our interest's and minds change.  As sad as I am that certain friendship's have had the roads closed I understand that its due to the friendship not being valuable to either of us anymore.  I have learnt to take what I can and give equally as much to those friendships.  I will always remember the good times, take the negative to hopefully build and better myself from those mistakes with the next friendship I make.
The wonderful world of the internet has opened up a world people to talk to, immerse myself in and make beautiful friendships with.  Many of them have become a bundle of support and energy that I will be forever thankful for.  They put up with my craziness, my foot in mouth and my potty mouth.  They understand who I am, where Ive been and why I am here.    Some are more dreamy if you like and only keep you within arm's length for the love of the gossip....pffft I cant be arsed with that. If that's what floats their boat then honestly, I pity them.  

Ahhh yes friendships are something I savour.

Life has been good to me and given me one of the most beautiful friendships anyone could ask for.  I have lived  through some pretty shitful times, had some rip snorters.  In the same sense Ive had the most fabulous ups in my life so far...and Ive shared them all with my best friend.  I am so blessed to have her in my life....and no we don't see eye to eye on thing's BUT we listen, offer support, love that we are different and give to each what we can.  She will rip me a new one if I go over board, she will hug me and tell me she's proud if she sees fit.  Loves my babies like their her own and I do hers. I savour our friendship almost as much as life itself.  She was the first one I told of my interest in changing my life, in joining the 12wbt...and she backed me 110% of the way.

Thank you Sammi for always being beautiful you. Thank you for excepting me for me.

Another friendship that is important to me is the one I have with someone 10 years younger then me.
We train together, work together, hell our kids even go to the same school.
She listens, is open and supportive as well.
When we meet at a forum meet up I never in my wildest dream's had thought that we would be such great friends now.  We laugh, complain about how cold 5am is and pump weights together.
Shit she did the Sydney Bridge climb with me and helped me calm down  when I was scared.

Thank you Melinda for being just as beautiful inside and out


Yes - YOU!
Its hard to admit you are good at something, that you think BOO YEAH BABY I kicked arse.
We're taught all our lives to put other's before ourselves.  Being a mother you put yourself last.
Well that shit has changed!

Savour the moment you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you think 
DAME I'm hot.

Savour that you respect yourself enough to take time out of your day to have some time to reflect on what you accomplish every day.

Savour the lust and love you have in your heart to live life to its fullest

Savour that you are fortunate enough to be a better version of you.


Sunday, April 28, 2013

I will walk 500 miles and I will walk 500 more

Well not quiet - since week 1 this round I've walked and ran over 460km's according to my Runkeeper Fitness keeper.
I don't always use it and I'm kicking myself that I didn't but to see that Ive walked and run that many km's since then amazes me.

I'm a drop of a hat sort of girl at times...... I get an idea and have to do it as soon as I can.
The more time I have to 'think' about something, the longer I have to find excuses.

Friday I got a hair balled idea in my noggin.

Hell if I can walk 15km's...why not 20km's?
Why not try it for my very last SSS for this round of Michelle Bridges.
May way of ending the round with a big bang for the universe.
Saturday was out, hubby and my walking partner's hubby were both working.
Sunday was the day.
Kept myself accountable by opening my mouth in the 30 plus Facebook group so I couldn't back out.
Now to pray like hell that it doesn't rain cause I just don't do wet clothes.

I woke at 4am and lay there thinking hurry up 4.50am...I want to get up and just go.
Yes I know utter friggen madness on a Sunday morning, who does this shit?
4.40am I couldn't lay there any more.  Taking my trusty phone I did my toilet duty...sent some messages to friends and got ready to get my thing on.

Now I might add, my normal morning outing is approximately 9km's so 20km's seemed a bit mehh yeah alright its going to be easy for me...man was I wrong!!! 
Meet my awesome partner who informed me she had to be home by 7.30
Shit....this meant I was going to do the last 7km's on my own...man who will I talk to??
Who will laugh at my fart's when I'm on my own??

We did our normal Saturday morning '2 laps' and at 7.35am after decided to do '2 laps' of the lake I parted ways with Melinda.  At this stage I had walked 13.8km's....I still had  6.2km's to go until goal.

I dug my headphones out and popped on my tunes.  Amazing how music gives you second, third and fourth wind in situations.  At the 14.5 km mark I though fuck it, lets get this shit started.

My running feet found me and I interval ran for over 2km's until I felt like my lungs were going to explode out of my chest.
I fucking LOVE that feeling!  Heat rises in your cheek's...your blood flow's through your vein's and you can feel your heart racing, in a steady face - I'M ALIVE - beat.
Its also the time that I feel like I'm releasing all the hurt and anger in me.  All the everyday crap I have to deal with just gets pounded out through my feet.  My mind clicks over 1000's times and my feet try to keep up with it...more step's that come out, the less my head is filed with fuck.

Today I ran over the footpath that grabbed me and made me face plant.
Even walking over it makes me shit a brick.  Nope, no more!
I'm not letting my accident take away what I feel anymore.

Rounding to the park across from the school was 17.5km's...oh man...I was starting to feel it.
I had a quick rinse of the mouth from the water fountain and a small mouth full of water.
I sooo shouldn't of done it.  No matter how much or how less I drink when I run, I get a dame stitch and always in the right had side.
Anyway, as I'm doing a 30 day push up challenge I decided to do my cut of them for the day in the park...hello jelly arms and hello I'm ready to go home.

Can you see how much I wanted to go home at this stage??
I actually contemplated ringing my hubby to come and get me but I told myself to shut the fuck up, grow a set and keep going.

1km before my breaking point...that's where I was.

My eye's began to sweet and over thought so much.
It started when I saw a familiar car drive past me.  The man looked at me blankly and kept driving after I waved at him.  He looked back, I could see through his back view mirror...but he didn't wave back.
That man, was my father.
He didn't recognise me.  He's never seen me working out so probably didn't think to much off the crazy woman waving at him (yes I did the full leap and wave thing)
Anyway....deciding I was hot I took my jumper off and tied it around my waist back at the park....the knot annoyed me and it wasn't until I was my dad that I clicked.
I use to tie my knot and my gunt would sit over the top of the knot and my top would hide my embarrassment.
OH sweet Jesus....my knot had no gunt to hide under...it was sitting on top of my belly button.
I lost it....my eye's got hot and they were stinging.
I still have a flabby belly don't get me wrong and the handful of marshmallow's I just downed writing this probably don't help but the feeling of not having that under my tummy, not feeling that weight is something that I will never forget.  The embarrassment I felt was no longer in view and it felt fucking fantastic.

Of course it was then I started to think of all the other ladies in the last 17 months that I have come to know, trust and make life long friendships with.
Those who have all had their own sacrifices, demons but stood tall, put their big girl panties in the bin and conquered the crap in their lives.
Some battle Cancer, other depression.  Some live watching their own children battling with special needs, others watching their siblings fight wars.
Some have lost loved ones, others have moved
Yet each of these woman have found strength  and courage to strive forward for themselves.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I felt like they were all there with me, their face's in front of me, smiling...yep crazy lady was hallucinating like Id just had magic mushroom soup.
I was bawling so much that I couldn't see clearly. Everything was blurry, thankfully auto pilot kicked in and I made my way up to the high school and ran behind it so no one could see, let alone hear my whaling. 

Snow ball effect it coming...man oh man *shakes head*
If I wasn't messy enough it gets better

before I knew it I was at the 
Bus shelter....running

No biggy I hear you say.
Well let me tell you, its been...hmmmm 6 months since I walked this little bit.
I couldn't run it when I began my new life.  Sorry I lie, I could, for about 10 paces until I thought my heart and brain had swapped places.
Today, I ran the entire length of it but not just ran it I sprinted it like a boss!
Of course it wasn't until I took the picture that it clicked in...and a guy across the road cheered at me with well done sweet heart....oh shit here's the snow ball getting more snow.....I screamed
and then cried again.

This sweating from the eyes has gotta stop I tell ya!!

I've spoken to my parents and I told my mum that I saw my dad this morning.....he said he didn't see me and once I explained where I saw him he said

I saw a skinny girl running and she looked so happy
She had a smile on her face and was so happy. 
She waved at me and I just didn't know who see was.

Once mum told him it was me, mum said he started crying
I could hear him in the back ground saying how proud he was of me and never to stop doing what I was doing cause I was happy.

See - bloody snowball's!!!

I also received a PM via the new Round 2 forum of the program

Hi there,

I just wanted to send a message and say hi, because you're pretty much one of the reasons I'm here. I just signed up tonight after thinking, and considering and contemplating it for a while. One of the things that pushed me was my best friend, Sarah **. I discussed it with her and she directed me to your blog, which I found rather inspirational.

Then, I saw your pics in this thread and thought...'I have to say hi to her!'.

You truly have done an amazing job! You should be proud!



Thank you.
Thank you for taking control over your life and for loving yourself enough to take the plunge.
I find you inspiration hun for doing this for yourself.
I thank you for your PM and for saying hi to me.

You Kirsty
Adding more snow to my snowball

To sum my day up
Even to look at it...I still cant register it...it amazes me that I did it.  
That I said I would and I did
That I ran, walked and cried

Nothing will ever replace what I feel today.

Now, where is my foot bath cause mama's feet need some loving.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Itsy bitsy tini wini yellow polka dot bikini

Well its not quiet yellow (ok its pretty much NOT yellow) but it is tini and its got dots on it...somewhere, I promise.

My secret little battle and focus for this year is to fit into a size 12 bikini.  
Set your goals high and fight like a tramp to get to them is what I've been telling myself...bloody hell what did I get myself in for??  What are you kidding?  How the fuck am I going to get my fat, cellulited arse let alone legs into a size 12 bikini?  And my galobbers?  Their a size 18DD..pffft they never shrink...what are you going to do maz??? wear them like earrings and pray like a nun that no one will notice???

I never thought it would be so dame hard to buy a friggen bikini.
What colour do you get, support or no support?
G banger - high cut, boy leg ahhhhhhhhhh.
Do I want stripes or dots?
One colour or multi colours?


In the end...I just went on ebay and prayed for the best.

3 weeks later and from a little old place called China this set arrived

Holly shit ball's its small!!!
No way was I going to be able to fit into it. I tried...PMSL I got the bottom's up to my knees and the higher they got the more my chubby thighs tried to eat them up until the circulation in my legs said 
Lycra only stretches so far I tell you and when its stretched out that bad, it aint pretty all round

I wish I would of taken a picture back then now.  I stupidly tossed them to the back of the to hard heap in the wardrobe and ignored their taunts.

October 2012 while looking for something they slapped my ankle to remind me that they were still there.
OK I give in...lets try you babies on.

 Could it be, NO way!!! I got the buggers up!
Look I wont tell you that they were cutting into me and left welts under my gunt
I also wont tell you that no matter how much I tried to tuck my galoobers in, they kept popping out the sides and I also wont tell you that the back boobs were trying to chew the strap

Right oh....now to secretly goal set!
2013 is going to be the year of the Bikini!
I tried my luck with the yellow dress, setting myself the goal of getting into it and HELLO

I may no shed my weight quickly, I may not be a superior athlete but I try
And by god I am going to try my gunt of to make this baby fit me perfectly by summer 2013/2014.

My mission Round 1 - 2013 was to work on my gunt.  Weight loose isnt so high, getting myself in order, consistence and self worth was.
Ive done a 30 day squat challenge and notice that the fat little sausage's that had developed in between my thighs near my groin are now non existent.
Crunches and I have become friends as they visit me every day for a quick chat and hello.
Push ups are still arsehats but we have a fierce love/hate relationship that is currently going through counselling.

This is my Round 1 - 2013 Week 1 picture.
Confronting to say the least
well as yuck as I feel looking at it, I'm sure people will be most happy not to see my nipples waving hello from beneath my bra pictures anymore.

This is my end of round picture.
Round 1 - 2013  Week 12

Notice anything 

Smiling like a kid at a birthday party

yeah I'm starting to grow into it.

Lets hope I can see the same sort of results for next round so I can share them with you again.

Ive got alot of work to do, Ive got plan's in place and by fuck I'm going to smash them all hard!

Bring on Round 2 - 2013 I'm going to work your arse to a pulp!

Sunday, April 21, 2013


Last week Cath Sheargold suggested a word of the week to the 30 plus group.
 Utterly brilliant idea's woman she is.  It made me think, it hurt some and then made me think again.
I seem to be doing a hell of alot of that these days, you know thinking.
Tad bit dangerous for the old ways but tantalising for the person I'm becoming.

On this note I have decided that each Monday I will be picking a new word of the week for myself.
This weeks word


Using this to my best this week.
Now I realise its week 11 (shit where did this round go???) and preseason tasks for next round are rearing their heads.  Preparation seems fitting for this week.

I began yesterday.
Huge and I mean HUGE pot of pumpkin soup done the MB12wbt way.
Didn't help that next door came and bought 2 pumpkins over...well who am I to waste an opportunity.
My house smelt utterly YUMMY!!!
Lots to freeze, especially seeing I'm working 5 nights in a row week's end.

That word again


Last night I thought...hair removal cream, know what, I will start and prepare my beauty treatment for the finale.  

Now popping it on my legs, this certain, lets say arse crack..yes perfect, decided that hell while I'm here, I'll try the bikini line, getting it all pretty ;) so nothing pokes out. Ah dame it, when in Rome let's leave a racing stripe to make me go faster...bugger went out the line's, best make it a Brazilian......

MY BAD!!!!!

What the fuck was I thinking

This is why I would NEVER make a good beautician!!!
The burn...omg the burn.  Now I know what it must feel like when the doctor says
You will feel a burning sensation if you have a STD.  
Hell on earth!!!
My girlie curtain's are not in a forgiving mood, they are letting me know very loudly how much I hurt them last night and that they wont be thanking me anytime soon.
Please note, while it wasn't a pretty sight, I by no mean's had Grizzle Adam's facial hair there so did not use the entire tube if you know what I mean.

That Word again


Today saw me start weights at the gym with a good friend who's a PT.
Last night, In bed I was totally shitting myself for what was going to come at 5am this morning.
Was I going to be strong enough, could I keep up with my fitter, younger friend who was also doing these sparrow fart sessions?
Lucky for me, I got my gym bag out, towel, clothes ect to prep myself cause I was useless as hell this morning.
Got up, put bra on back to front (yep...the Y bit that belongs at the back, well it was between my boobs...nioce) pants on arse about tit aswell, well atleast I got the right shoes on.
Got into the gym and got my shit started
OH crap 
You know its been far to long when you have 10kg's on your bar and your think *gulp..mama!!
All good 3 reps of crunches, squats, bar work...then chin ups on the machine.
Holly shit - I knew I was weak in my arms but crap after today I noticed how bad I really am in my upper body strength.  Just another thing to work my arse to fixing for the better.
Push ups are another swear word for me.  Bad knee's make for lots of crunching sound's BUT I tried and I did them...hoping to get better at them over the next 3 month's.
Then hello the treadmill...incline of 8 and at 8km's...oh man calves were screaming like mo fo's but it felt great.
I honestly had myself so worked up that it was going to be hard, that I wouldn't or couldn't do what was asked of me...I walked out thinking shit I did it...I actually bloody did it.

Who would of thought that this bitch could do something so good and love it.
I'm not going to be scared Tuesday night, I'm going to sleep cause on Wednesday I get to do it all over again.

That word again


What next for the week?
Set myself some goal's and work out a plan of attack.
I have intentions of doing lean and strong this next round...I need work on my strength, its piss pour at the moment but I will change it.
Have a hair appointment on Wednesday followed by my blood donating appointment.
I cant believe its been 3 months since I first donated.  Time goes so quickly.
I may even get the suitcase out ready for the week after
Wait, I think its still out from when I went away last...hmmm was i being lazy or was I just...

what was that word again
*wink wink

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Why do you want to lose weight??????

This question was popped into the 30 plus facebook page this morning.

Why do you want to lose weight?

I sat here stumped. My mind went blank.
Have I lost the meaning to it?
Was I ever here to lose weight  or did I want to change my life, my families life?
What am I doing now?
Fighting my inner self for weeks to go it alone and then shitting myself in the process of the thought of it and then joining up.  Am I following others like a sheep?  When will I be ready to face the 'big world' alone?

Best way to decided the answer to this question is to go back and reflect on whats happened to me.

In honesty I never thought my life, 18 months ago would be so different.  The changes from then to now are not only visible but positive to say the least.  I haven't seen people for months who get blown away with my appearance and commend me like the sun is shining out of my arse.  Then I get people, who are on the same path as me, who I haven't seen in years don't even comment at all but want to have their progress soothed. *shrugs* its all abit to much for me sometimes.  I love meeting new people who have no idea of the person I was before hand.  I wasn't just overweight, I was mentally twisted, negative and depressed....far from the person Ive become now.  Amazing what an inspirational group of people, a positive and directive program can do for you.

Now I'm going stop at 5 reasons....anymore and my head is going to explode

Reason one - Pictures

I loved having girls weekends.  I always thought I looked great, shit I felt great.  Laughing, having a good time with my friends. Eating like the world was going to end tomorrow, drinking like a 20 year old skank.  Pictures come back after our weekends and I would cry.  No wonder I would get asked when I was due.  My size 26 pj pants dug into my tummy and would ride up to my crutch. Tops were never long enough to hide my gunt.
Then there's the pictures with the kids. I would get depressed looking at them, my high school taunters would come out...MOON FACE MOON FACE I would hear them yell and laugh at me while throwing stones.  I couldn't see the different from my neck to my head, my big arms suffocating my babies and hiding them in the pictures.  I felt like I looked like a big blob, a monster with a fake smile on her face.
I to often took pictures with the camera from above (Ive blogged about this before) Hiding my huge double chins and no neck.  I thought I looked thinner this way but I was in fact lying to everyone and most of all myself.  I look ridiculous and feel somewhat ashamed when I go back and see those photo's knowing dame well I would take about 20 -30 at a time to make sure I had one that would hide everything.  I reminded myself of all those girls who so badly want full lips and hello the duck pout phase began.  I was fake and looked utterly stupid.  Now a days, I cringe when I see those sort of pictures that some of my friends take.  Yes there are friends on my list that do it, I want to shake the utter shit out of them and tell them to stop but I remember the insecurities I had when I did it.  I want to tell them they are beautiful without having to take those sort of pictures, be yourself...but I know that black demon of self doubt hangs around like a smelly wet fart and we do it anyway.
Now I look at my pictures and think, shit me, where the hell did this chick come from? Yeah I've got corners that look like cellophane that's been played with but know what, its me.  I'm comfortable for the first time in my life at how I look.  I see a glint where dull eyes once were, my thick arms are now less intrusive and my tummy has learnt that its not to look indecent ever again.

Reason two - Size

Yep, size.  I was sick of being fat.  
My clothes at size 26 were getting to tight.  I was sick of wearing granny clothes...sorry but size 26 clothing is so unattractive. I thought I found the perfect place when I found city chic clothing.  Man they had jeans I could actually get my arse into that held everything in.  My first pair were form an op shop for $6 and I wore then until my fanny dropped out of them. One girls weekend my friends said that's it, new jeans and we went into a store.  They threw all these tops at me to try on and instead of being comfortable, all I felt was shame.  The XL tops clung to my bubble tummy and showed off how big I really was.  I was sick to death of not being able to buy clothing full stop.  Shit I was in size 26 knickers and they were cutting into me now.  
I remember there was an add on tv about what the 'healthy' tummy measurement should be - think it was 90cm for men and 80cm for woman.  It took me 4 weeks to get the ball's up to measure, only to yet again cry and feel ashamed at myself.  100 and 37 fucking centimeters!!! How and when did I get to this?  Did it just decided to turn up on my door step one day and say hello, I'm here to wrap myself around you, make you feel depressed and see everything in the world in shades of grey cause I'm taking all the colour and happiness away?  No no....sadly I did this to me.  No-one else. I didn't have control, I didn't give a shit about what went into my mouth and I didn't give a shit about exercise....as far as I was concerned it healthy was a swear word and I was masking my unhappiness with playing the joker.  Yep, I'm the funny one cause everyone loves a clown.
Well let me tell you, no more size 26 knickers...no more lack of control and the only swear word in my world now is 'cant' (spits on ground in disgust)
I must admit though sizing variations give me a total brain fuck at the best of times.  I can get into size 14 in some items and then back into size 18plus in others. Example I bought an XL dress from overseas only to get it and laugh, I don't think I could get one arse cheek into it..my fault I didn't check the measurements but still its stupid and if I was still in that la la land of mind set I would be crying, hating myself about it..mehhh just another dress to put in the - get into pile.

Scales are just a minor detail in the big picture of things.  It size that screams achievement for me.
Example - picture above..the black granny knickers are a size 26.  Unattractive but comfy until the elastic is over stretched and the band lets you know that you need a size bigger.  Top pair are boy legs, size 16..I still cant believe they fit me.   No tucking in tummy in these babies.

Reason three - Family

Life has its ups and downs for us, like any family.  Autism is something that has been part of our lives for over 11 years now and cerebral palsy for 5 of those.  For years I hide behind food and alcohol to help me cope with what they threw at us.  Watching my boys fight with themselves over not being heard in a world that was grey for them.  They have taught me so many wonderful lessons, comes good, some soul searching.  I put my life on hold for them thinking that  if I put my all into helping them that they would be able to breath in our society.  Little did I know, that by doing so, putting me last that I was keeping the min the dark and dimming what little light there was every day.
16 months ago I sat down with them all and we spoke about time for mummy to get healthy because mummy has to be here for a long time and right now, mummy felt like she was dying.
My then 9  year old looked me sternly in the eye and said mum we are going to live happily ever after now aren't we.
I haven't looked back.
I held onto so much negative, so use to being that person and allowing the anger from it to build in me until the point of exploding.  I was a nasty mum, I was a yeller, a thrower and I hated myself for how I was reflecting it onto my family.  Why did I treat my family like this?  How dare I do that!  Friends, well they only saw one side of me.  I was always the friend who had the ear for one in need and in the process I took on their negative and their ways.  Best thing that ever happened was a friendship ending mid last year.  I often laughed about how people said others would be toxic to you...well I realised very soon exactly what they meant.  I cant stomach people that are all ahhh your my friend one moment and then stab that same person in the back when their not about...well this was and I bet my arse still is this person.   Man she was to gutless to confront the woman her husband was having an affair with FFS instead she would bitch and moan, posting negative thread after negative thread only to have the guilt's and then delete them so there would be no fall back.  Now, I laugh as she is 'close' to those she had belittled so much to me.  I smile because as much as I want to say something to them, I don't care, I am free of it.  My life is so much clearer, I am so much happier and my beautiful family is just that, beautiful.
All four of my children have taken on our new life together.  
Nik is conscious of what he eats and now walks everywhere.  He dug his bike out of the shed, cleaned the cob webs of it and rides to his girlfriends and mates houses on weekends to hang out.
Wil now eats foods with fluids, foods other then the colour of white and is willing to try new things.  He is open to trying new things every day.  End of last term he received an award for running a full lap around the oval. Why you ask, Wilhelm has autism and hates sport..HATES it.  Now he gives it a go and says runners are for more then just wearing, their for running in.
Vy is my princess.  She is sporty, loves eating good food and a mummy's girl.  We discuss good eating options and how to stay being healthy.  She is just thriving, although at the moment she has a bad back, she is not letting it get to her.  She was a very quiet, withdrawn and anxious little girl until early last year.  You wouldn't think it of her now.
Mat is my fighter.  At 2 weeks of age he had 2 major strokes and I was told not to expect him to live past 3 months due to the magnitude of blood clots waiting to explode in his brain.  We got to 3 months and we were told to buy a wheelchair because he wont walk. Hours of massage, physio and love got us through. His first birthday was a huge celebration.  Everyone who was there for us when Mat and I spent  weeks at the Royal Children's Hospital was there.  It was also the first day he walked...from there we just went onwards and up. Although he has cerebral palsy he doesn't let it slow him down. He began speaking towards the end of last year and although he still isn't very clear he talks none stop. Yes the heat effects him, he gets tired very quickly.  His left hand side can get weak and he's fallen quiet a few times and this spectrum traits shine through, he rocks my world.  He gets excited when he gets his runners out to put on...just like you mama and he runs on the spot.  It makes my heart explode with pride.

Most important member in my family is my husband. We have had our ups and downs...shit we've been through alot. He's had his own personal battles to deal with along the way as well.  this last year alone has been testing in areas but I feel that now, more then ever, we have a connection that is stronger and more pulling then we had when we got together.

Back in the early days - 1997 at one of my closest friends weddings.  A month later he proposed to me.

Us, today.  More in love and happiest we've ever been

Reason four - Health

When I had my cyst on my bowel I remember asking the doctor why did I get them.  He said that they are common with people who have diabetes's.....and I was a good candidate for it (said while looking at me up and down).  *SLAP* hello fat lady = bag of sickness walking.  I tried back then to do something about my weight, got into the 'shakes' and lost 15kg's only to put on 20kgs once I stopped and have a relapse on my bowel.  
My body was screaming at me to fix it, fix my life, fix my eating and drinking habits. Fix me.
I didn't want to do the shake thing, I didn't want a quick fix or to follow a diet, I needed this for life not just for the next week.
A friend of mine had started posting things up on her Facebook page mid august 2011.  I remember brushing over them thinking ahh you twit, what crap are you going on about while but no reading them.  But then pictures started to emerge of her looking not just thinner but happier....hmmmm my interest was being sparked. 

Then the dreaded kinder picture that was taken of me was the final straw. 

 I swore the next time my facebook friend put ANYTHING Michelle Bridges up I would look at it.  December 27th 2011 that link was put up and Maz signed up for preseason.  I lust 9kg's by the time week 1 started.  I had no idea how much I would gain mentally, physically and health wise.
I cant describe exactly how I felt. I didn't say anything to anyone around me for a long time. People were noticing that I was changing visually but they couldn't see all the good that was happening on the inside.  Don't get me wrong, it's been hard, I've had loads of head fuck to get to where I am today but it been worth every step of the way.
While my legs ached when I first began in 2012 now they take walking in stride.
The blisters that bleed on my feet due to crap shoes are now hard and solid and make me feel good.
I feel oxygen pumping through me when I'm running and smile at the beauty of the day waking up on my mornings.
No I am still with issues, some that will never leave me as they have scared me to the ends of my days BUT I wont let them effect me, I work around them and live my life now to enjoy the simple and nurturing moments given.

Reason five - me

Its hard isn't it.  Its human nature to put others first, especially those of us with children.  Never enough time in the day, I'm to busy, I'm to tired. 
A simple...I cant be fucked would be more honest.

The hardest thing Ive learnt is to be appreciative of myself.  For the effort I put into being me.   Learning to respect yourself of what you can achieve and setting goal's to do things others see as impossible feed my ego bones.

No I'm not 'goal' weight. I fail to fit into a size 12 but I am content with where I am now.  Being the size I was didn't happen over night so I don't expect it to come off in that fashion.  While I see others shed huge numbers I am content more on living healthy and full.  The numbers will follow when their ready.

Ive learnt 
  • moderation is kind, self love is good.
  • good food is fresh and clear and injury make you learn.
  • mornings are beautiful and energy needs burning
  • laughter tickles, support is valuable
We are the teachers of tomorrows people.  Every generation gets reflected back onto.
I hope that the next generation sees us as the generation that gave a shit out ourselves and did something positive, good and wonderful about it.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Checking the list - checking it twice

Time for me to go over the goal's I set myself way back in January at the beginning of this round.
*gulp* how much did I screw up....how much didn't I follow on the list

Week 1 - 11th Feb - get back out and walking my 6.5km's a week. Learn to strap my knee
WINNING - walking a min on 7 km's a morning with most mornings being 9km's.  Saturdays sees me doing 15km's in total - this is all about to change

Week 2 - 18th Feb - take compliments without looking down. smile and say thank you.  Its all positive
WINNING - yes I have learnt that the word thank you is more then just a fob off word. I actually allow it to register that its a compliment and I smile knowing that the person saying the positive words to me actually means it and isn't being a nasty arse.

Week 3 - 25th Feb - be back up to running 500m without stopping (small steps)
FAILED - I didn't start this until week 9.  Excuse being my knee's and my inner demons feeding my nahhhh you cant do shit woman emotion.  Ive also used the excuse that I walk with someone now.  I'm a lone runner, I need my own headspace when doing it, its personal for me so put off doing it for a VERY long time.

Week 4 - 4th mar - Tuff mudder cow mud run - Shepparton Sunday 10th
WINNING - did it in just over 2 hours. Got muddy, laughed, tried obstacles and realised I have still got so far to go.  Helped me set new goals for myself in regards to my fitness and my strength.

Week 5 - 11th mar - be back to drinking 3L of water a day, EVERY DAY
FAILED - I was doing so well..shit I'm hopeless with drinking full stop.  I can go until midday without wanting anything to drink at all. I know mad isn't it??!! And this colder weather that's coming isn't bloody helping either, makes me want to drink even less.  Redoing this goal next round!

Week 6 - 18th mar - swim 100m at the pool without stopping
FAILED - never even set foot into the pool.  Reason being I got turned off from going to the gym and only being able to go a few days a week gave me the shits and I just thought mehhh to hard.  Piss pour I know but with the new goals I have set next round AND setting them in place already I'm hoping not to feel this way about the gym again.

Week 7 - 25th mar - Donate blood 12.30 - Wednesday 27th - run 1km non stop
FAILED on both accounts - My appointment was cancelled by the blood bank so I am now donating next Wednesday..which reminds me I better check when my hair appointment was #tappingfingeronchin. As for the 1km run...check with week 3

Week 8 - 1st Apr -  do 10 toe pushups. .yes scary shit!!!
FAILED - BUT I can do 9 which is utter huge for me.  I was grunting like a pig in heat after 5 BUT I bloody well did them! I couldnt do ANY last round at all!!

Week 9 - 8th Apr - re evaluate my diet and make sure that I am keeping on track
WINNING - I'm really happy with my diet.  Working in a fish and chip shop it is so temping to order something naughty and chow down on it on the way home in the car but it just doesn't interest me. Even soft drink...man I would of killed anyone if I didn't or couldn't have my pepsi max (pepsi max cause its soooo much healthier then any of the others #rolleyeslikeanidiot) no..meh its sugar in a glass for me.  My boss left her can of coke sitting on the bench and while I took it back into her at the kitchen I caught a wiff of it and......nothing. If anything it made me feel sick.  SOOO happy that my soft drink addiction is gone.
My portion sizes were getting a little out of control a few weeks prior this and I nailed it back on the head as soon as I noticed.  How did I notice?  Pimples...tell tale signs to me that Im eating to much and not drink enough. Knocking that right on its arse I tell you!

Week 10 - 15th Apr - swim 200m at the pool without stopping
FAILED - refer to week 6.
Winning running wise!!! This morning I ran 1 km straight....OH MY FURRY GOOSEBERRIES!!!!
My fear of falling again hasn't quiet vanished, I think it will always be there in some form BUT I want to run again.  I want that feeling of my body cooperating with each part of itself to feel alive and free.  The fat roll I had above my arse isn't bouncing anymore either...would that mean its shrunk or heaven forbid has it shrunk???

Week 11 - 22nd Apr - run 2km's non stop
TO BE ESTABLISHED - you never know :) just waiting for the time. Id be happy to continue the 1km at this stage but 2 would be the bee's knee's

Week 12 - 29th Apr - Hopefully I have gotten myself down to 90kg's this round and done accomplished on this list.
Why both?  cause this has become something more then what the scales are showing me.  While I'm not at 90kg's as yet...I am under 100kg's.  I am healthy as I nourish my body with GOOD food.  I nourish my mind with positive thoughts and welcome happiness with both arms.
I have had so many person, mental and physical changes.  Even me reading over the above, Winning / Accomplished know what...who gives a shit if I did either.  I know we need to set goals for a reason...they help us to achieve and keep active not just physically / mentally but everything is a WIN.  Getting up in the morning, getting my arse out that door as much as I hate it some times is a friggen win.  Being able to see the changes in my personality, reflecting my happiness on my family is a win.
Next round will see me do a new goal list.  Yet again I'll be putting down things I wish to achieve.  There will be things on there that I will never have tried and things on there that will be repeated from previous rounds. I have so many huge things planned for next round, some of which I have already started putting in place now.
If I win or fail  doesn't matter in the scheme of things.
What matters is that I get up and try.
Either way I'll be winning.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The little red top that became the big red dress

Now it didn't take overnight for most of us to put our weight on.
You don't wake up one day and all off a sudden your 40kg's heavier.  Its comes and finds you in the darkest moments and sits with you...and the next time you feel down it brings its friends and well......before you know it the size 16 pants you use to wear cant come up past your knees.

This weight loose thing is virtually the same but in reverse. Instead off letting those kg's come and sit with you, your sending them away, back to the place they came from.  Even if its 100grams a week its still being sent back, being taken away from feeding you.

Today after getting out an old top I just realised how far I have come.  Its one of my light bulb moments. Ones that we all need to push us forward more.
I use to wear this top and be continuously worried about how my tube tummy would stick out (this is the belly above my other belly) it use to fight with me to hide it and I did it unsuccessfully.
I wore it to death...why??? because I thought it looked half decent even though I said the above.  I could try to hide in it, hide my arse that was big, hide the tube tummy and the fact that my gunt sat over my girly bits.

This is a picture of me in the said red top.
June 2009 - almost 4 years ago
I was so self conscious all weekend, especially this night.
I had never meet any of these woman before this weekend. 
Each beautiful inside and out. I felt like the size of a truck next to them.
I hide in my red top.  Even in this picture I can see the tube tummy sticking out, even though I stretch the top forward to hide in it...its still there, waving hello I'm the fat friend.

September 2012

Last year, in what has become a self medicating process
I got my red top out and took some selfies.
I remember putting this up on my facebook page and having people comment how good it looked, how much weight I had lost  now from back on that weekend.
It was the high I needed to get me going again.
No tube tummy in sight.  My top sat perfectly like it was meant to.
I was loving it.

Coming in the door after a day off shopping with the family I reached for my red top to change into.
I don't know what made me do it...I just wanted to take my leggin's of and be comfortable.

Today, I am wearing the said red top as a dress.  

A very loose dress

Its helped me decide about my future goals and ambitions even more.
Ive been stuck in limbo about doing round 2 of Michelle Bridges.
I really really wanted to try and go a round without, to try and practise the lessons and tools I have been taught and shown whilst on the program.
Like a baby bird I'm scared shitless about flying the nest, just proving to myself that I'm not ready.
After taking the above picture and writing this blog post Ive come to the realisation that Ive only just scratched the surface of the program.  I have so much more to learn and take in.
Yes Ive done 5 rounds, Yes I have learnt to be a better version of myself
I am just learning to run again.  I want to learn to convert my self clapping baggage into muscle.
To expand my horizon's and learn more about me in the process.

Michelle Bridges and support crew, those on the forum, on the program themselves
Your all stuck with me for a long time yet 

Friday, April 12, 2013

Its a morning thing...dont ya know.

sitting here on the loo doing this blog post
Why you ask?
Because I can I say.
No...I sadly cant move cause my knee is locked and my legs have gone to sleep....when I get up its going to be utter torture to my legs, that numb horrid feeling of them waking up kills like a bitch.
I took the lappy on the loo with me cause that's what most of us do (don't lie, you do it to) I wanted to check my emails quickly before diving into the shower.

BUT I'm stuck!!!
How did this happen......well let me take you back to 4am this morning.........

Heard child number 2 get up 4 or 5 times.....I lost count after the 3rd time.  Instead of taking the tissue box into his room, he continued to get up, turn the hall way night light on (which is right infront of my bedroom door), go to the lounge room to get a tissue, loudly blow his nose, dump tissue on the floor and then tramp back to his room turning the light of on the way...light on light off..stomp....stomp blow


4.52am I had had enough.
Child was back in bed, snoring, hubby echoing child number 2 but with more rattle in his end noting. Roll eyes, dame it, I'll get more peace and quiet outside in the dark.

Up I get....ITS SATURDAY!!!!!! My favourite work out day of them all!!

Getting of the loo and vaguely seeing myself in the mirror through my sleepy eyes, I tip toed my way to the lounge, tripping over the cat on the way and hubby's bloody work boots.
Clothes on, jumper on and outside here I come.

Yep, its dark. No one else is around.  Its errie when there's no sound.  Plenty of cat's around though, they look at me funny as if to say are you friggen for real woman??!!  Most scatter away scared I'm going to kick them up the arse...every now and then one comes and say hello and expects a pat.  I don't mind obliging at all. Nice distraction from the silence.
I meet up with my walking partner.  We give each other this look of...shut up don't talk to me..still sleeping.  This morning we actually didn't have our hoods on, it was quiet warm and the mozzies were abuzzing about us. Traipsing on we wake up and begin chatting about the day befores events, how crazy our kids are and how much our lives have changed in one aspect or another.

We've gotten use to the strange looks drivers give us on their way to work.  I think many of them have gotten use to seeing the two crazy woman power walking their booties along that time of morning.  We have a gentleman that comes into work and says he tries to catch a glimpse of us on his route but he never sees us...must be cause we're that dame fast we're a blur.*giggle*
My only complaint's about my mornings are the dame noise the cars and trucks make when they drive past us.  Don't they realise that we're trying to chat and that they are interfering with our conversation? The rudeness I tell you!!!

Every morning we're greeted by Peter, an elderly Italian man who's 5 foot nothing but has a smile the size of Victoria on his face. For the last year and a half I have seen him every morning Ive gone out and he always has a smile, walking happily saying hello to everyone on his travel.  His walk is a somewhat  a dance and his greeting almost a song.  His morning ritual of happiness is lovely and gives some enlightenment to the 8km's of walking done.

Weekends 'walking the dog' lady is resting.  Another person with a lovely smile.  It took her 13 months to smile and answer my good morning call.  I dare say her self lack of confidence contributed to her late learning of echoing me.  She walks with one arm out on an angle, as if she is walking an imaginary dog.  Its quiet noticeable and I dare say its from a stroke or something along those lines BUT to me, she's really inspirational...having such a disability and still managing to find her some ME time is remarkable.

This morning, as every Saturday morning it was double lap time.
What does this mean and how does this go back to me sitting on the loo in pain???

This is the view on the Midland highway on our second lap.
The sun was coming up and the sky way an absolutely breath taking in its orange, red and pink tones.
Of course the bloody camera didn't capture that now did it.

Double lap means we do 2 laps of the 4km block around the racecourse section of town and back home all the way down to MacDonald's and a lap around the Lake up the road from home.

THIS is said route

Its usually 13km's but this morning I decided to do an extra lap of the Lake and then began jogging...yes after 13 something km's my feet decided it was time to up the pace and dance with the road at tango speed.

Once I had gotten home I turn my runkeeper app on to see this

Pretty dame happy with that. I was hoping for 14km's but over 15.5km's just rocks my socks off, especially cause the last 500m's of it was jogged.  To be frank, Ive been scared shitless of running again.  After my epic fall last year it really really shocked me.  My knee still isn't 100% and my hand aches in the cool from the scaring on it. I'm so worried about falling again, or should I say I have been.  Running last year made me feel so bloody alive. I was up to 2km's a session and loving it. Head phones on, tunes pumping, world of my own...and then to nothing, it was bloody depressing.  I have to be by myself to do it though, I'm not comfortable running with anyone else...its my own personal space thing. Maybe its cause I'm afraid of fucking up again? I don't know...I just love the feeling of freedom running gives me, the sensation of air going in and out of my lungs and not feeling like I'm dying in the process anymore.  Knowing I can push myself by chanting in my head, right one more light post, only to get to that light post and say nope, keep going, the corner is up there YOU CAN DO IT. Envisioning a make believe cheer squad when I get to that corner and letting the adrenalin kick in to go a further 100 or 200m.
Once I reached home I decided to try and start my 185 squats for my 30 day squat challenge...I got to 100 and pulled the pin.  Bloody hell my legs are jellyified and my head was ready to explode.
You can always tell when you've had a great session, your clothes are wet and your body aches happily.  Well let me tell you, today's session was awesome cause when I took my undies off the bastards splattered on the floor and my feet lets steam marks on the tiles.  Boo bloody Yeah baby!!

So now here I am, knacked, happy, sweaty, exhilarated, hot, chuffed, aching but ALIVE.
I feel a Nanny nap calling me for this afternoon.
Right after I get the feeling back in my legs and cook some yummy healthy goodness for lunch
Pumpkin soup anyone????