Why do you want to lose weight?
I sat here stumped. My mind went blank.
Have I lost the meaning to it?
Was I ever here to lose weight or did I want to change my life, my families life?
What am I doing now?
Fighting my inner self for weeks to go it alone and then shitting myself in the process of the thought of it and then joining up. Am I following others like a sheep? When will I be ready to face the 'big world' alone?
Best way to decided the answer to this question is to go back and reflect on whats happened to me.
In honesty I never thought my life, 18 months ago would be so different. The changes from then to now are not only visible but positive to say the least. I haven't seen people for months who get blown away with my appearance and commend me like the sun is shining out of my arse. Then I get people, who are on the same path as me, who I haven't seen in years don't even comment at all but want to have their progress soothed. *shrugs* its all abit to much for me sometimes. I love meeting new people who have no idea of the person I was before hand. I wasn't just overweight, I was mentally twisted, negative and depressed....far from the person Ive become now. Amazing what an inspirational group of people, a positive and directive program can do for you.
Now I'm going stop at 5 reasons....anymore and my head is going to explode
Reason one - Pictures
I loved having girls weekends. I always thought I looked great, shit I felt great. Laughing, having a good time with my friends. Eating like the world was going to end tomorrow, drinking like a 20 year old skank. Pictures come back after our weekends and I would cry. No wonder I would get asked when I was due. My size 26 pj pants dug into my tummy and would ride up to my crutch. Tops were never long enough to hide my gunt.
Then there's the pictures with the kids. I would get depressed looking at them, my high school taunters would come out...MOON FACE MOON FACE I would hear them yell and laugh at me while throwing stones. I couldn't see the different from my neck to my head, my big arms suffocating my babies and hiding them in the pictures. I felt like I looked like a big blob, a monster with a fake smile on her face.
I to often took pictures with the camera from above (Ive blogged about this before) Hiding my huge double chins and no neck. I thought I looked thinner this way but I was in fact lying to everyone and most of all myself. I look ridiculous and feel somewhat ashamed when I go back and see those photo's knowing dame well I would take about 20 -30 at a time to make sure I had one that would hide everything. I reminded myself of all those girls who so badly want full lips and hello the duck pout phase began. I was fake and looked utterly stupid. Now a days, I cringe when I see those sort of pictures that some of my friends take. Yes there are friends on my list that do it, I want to shake the utter shit out of them and tell them to stop but I remember the insecurities I had when I did it. I want to tell them they are beautiful without having to take those sort of pictures, be yourself...but I know that black demon of self doubt hangs around like a smelly wet fart and we do it anyway.
Now I look at my pictures and think, shit me, where the hell did this chick come from? Yeah I've got corners that look like cellophane that's been played with but know what, its me. I'm comfortable for the first time in my life at how I look. I see a glint where dull eyes once were, my thick arms are now less intrusive and my tummy has learnt that its not to look indecent ever again.
Reason two - Size
Yep, size. I was sick of being fat.
My clothes at size 26 were getting to tight. I was sick of wearing granny clothes...sorry but size 26 clothing is so unattractive. I thought I found the perfect place when I found city chic clothing. Man they had jeans I could actually get my arse into that held everything in. My first pair were form an op shop for $6 and I wore then until my fanny dropped out of them. One girls weekend my friends said that's it, new jeans and we went into a store. They threw all these tops at me to try on and instead of being comfortable, all I felt was shame. The XL tops clung to my bubble tummy and showed off how big I really was. I was sick to death of not being able to buy clothing full stop. Shit I was in size 26 knickers and they were cutting into me now.
I remember there was an add on tv about what the 'healthy' tummy measurement should be - think it was 90cm for men and 80cm for woman. It took me 4 weeks to get the ball's up to measure, only to yet again cry and feel ashamed at myself. 100 and 37 fucking centimeters!!! How and when did I get to this? Did it just decided to turn up on my door step one day and say hello, I'm here to wrap myself around you, make you feel depressed and see everything in the world in shades of grey cause I'm taking all the colour and happiness away? No no....sadly I did this to me. No-one else. I didn't have control, I didn't give a shit about what went into my mouth and I didn't give a shit about exercise....as far as I was concerned it healthy was a swear word and I was masking my unhappiness with playing the joker. Yep, I'm the funny one cause everyone loves a clown.
Well let me tell you, no more size 26 knickers...no more lack of control and the only swear word in my world now is 'cant' (spits on ground in disgust)
I must admit though sizing variations give me a total brain fuck at the best of times. I can get into size 14 in some items and then back into size 18plus in others. Example I bought an XL dress from overseas only to get it and laugh, I don't think I could get one arse cheek into it..my fault I didn't check the measurements but still its stupid and if I was still in that la la land of mind set I would be crying, hating myself about it..mehhh just another dress to put in the - get into pile.
Scales are just a minor detail in the big picture of things. It size that screams achievement for me.
Example - picture above..the black granny knickers are a size 26. Unattractive but comfy until the elastic is over stretched and the band lets you know that you need a size bigger. Top pair are boy legs, size 16..I still cant believe they fit me. No tucking in tummy in these babies.
Reason three - Family
Life has its ups and downs for us, like any family. Autism is something that has been part of our lives for over 11 years now and cerebral palsy for 5 of those. For years I hide behind food and alcohol to help me cope with what they threw at us. Watching my boys fight with themselves over not being heard in a world that was grey for them. They have taught me so many wonderful lessons, comes good, some soul searching. I put my life on hold for them thinking that if I put my all into helping them that they would be able to breath in our society. Little did I know, that by doing so, putting me last that I was keeping the min the dark and dimming what little light there was every day.
16 months ago I sat down with them all and we spoke about time for mummy to get healthy because mummy has to be here for a long time and right now, mummy felt like she was dying.
My then 9 year old looked me sternly in the eye and said mum we are going to live happily ever after now aren't we.
I haven't looked back.
I held onto so much negative, so use to being that person and allowing the anger from it to build in me until the point of exploding. I was a nasty mum, I was a yeller, a thrower and I hated myself for how I was reflecting it onto my family. Why did I treat my family like this? How dare I do that! Friends, well they only saw one side of me. I was always the friend who had the ear for one in need and in the process I took on their negative and their ways. Best thing that ever happened was a friendship ending mid last year. I often laughed about how people said others would be toxic to you...well I realised very soon exactly what they meant. I cant stomach people that are all ahhh your my friend one moment and then stab that same person in the back when their not about...well this was and I bet my arse still is this person. Man she was to gutless to confront the woman her husband was having an affair with FFS instead she would bitch and moan, posting negative thread after negative thread only to have the guilt's and then delete them so there would be no fall back. Now, I laugh as she is 'close' to those she had belittled so much to me. I smile because as much as I want to say something to them, I don't care, I am free of it. My life is so much clearer, I am so much happier and my beautiful family is just that, beautiful.
All four of my children have taken on our new life together.
Nik is conscious of what he eats and now walks everywhere. He dug his bike out of the shed, cleaned the cob webs of it and rides to his girlfriends and mates houses on weekends to hang out.
Wil now eats foods with fluids, foods other then the colour of white and is willing to try new things. He is open to trying new things every day. End of last term he received an award for running a full lap around the oval. Why you ask, Wilhelm has autism and hates sport..HATES it. Now he gives it a go and says runners are for more then just wearing, their for running in.
Vy is my princess. She is sporty, loves eating good food and a mummy's girl. We discuss good eating options and how to stay being healthy. She is just thriving, although at the moment she has a bad back, she is not letting it get to her. She was a very quiet, withdrawn and anxious little girl until early last year. You wouldn't think it of her now.
Mat is my fighter. At 2 weeks of age he had 2 major strokes and I was told not to expect him to live past 3 months due to the magnitude of blood clots waiting to explode in his brain. We got to 3 months and we were told to buy a wheelchair because he wont walk. Hours of massage, physio and love got us through. His first birthday was a huge celebration. Everyone who was there for us when Mat and I spent weeks at the Royal Children's Hospital was there. It was also the first day he walked...from there we just went onwards and up. Although he has cerebral palsy he doesn't let it slow him down. He began speaking towards the end of last year and although he still isn't very clear he talks none stop. Yes the heat effects him, he gets tired very quickly. His left hand side can get weak and he's fallen quiet a few times and this spectrum traits shine through, he rocks my world. He gets excited when he gets his runners out to put on...just like you mama and he runs on the spot. It makes my heart explode with pride.
Most important member in my family is my husband. We have had our ups and downs...shit we've been through alot. He's had his own personal battles to deal with along the way as well. this last year alone has been testing in areas but I feel that now, more then ever, we have a connection that is stronger and more pulling then we had when we got together.
Back in the early days - 1997 at one of my closest friends weddings. A month later he proposed to me.
Us, today. More in love and happiest we've ever been
Reason four - Health
When I had my cyst on my bowel I remember asking the doctor why did I get them. He said that they are common with people who have diabetes's.....and I was a good candidate for it (said while looking at me up and down). *SLAP* hello fat lady = bag of sickness walking. I tried back then to do something about my weight, got into the 'shakes' and lost 15kg's only to put on 20kgs once I stopped and have a relapse on my bowel.
My body was screaming at me to fix it, fix my life, fix my eating and drinking habits. Fix me.
I didn't want to do the shake thing, I didn't want a quick fix or to follow a diet, I needed this for life not just for the next week.
A friend of mine had started posting things up on her Facebook page mid august 2011. I remember brushing over them thinking ahh you twit, what crap are you going on about while but no reading them. But then pictures started to emerge of her looking not just thinner but happier....hmmmm my interest was being sparked.
Then the dreaded kinder picture that was taken of me was the final straw.
I swore the next time my facebook friend put ANYTHING Michelle Bridges up I would look at it. December 27th 2011 that link was put up and Maz signed up for preseason. I lust 9kg's by the time week 1 started. I had no idea how much I would gain mentally, physically and health wise.
I cant describe exactly how I felt. I didn't say anything to anyone around me for a long time. People were noticing that I was changing visually but they couldn't see all the good that was happening on the inside. Don't get me wrong, it's been hard, I've had loads of head fuck to get to where I am today but it been worth every step of the way.
While my legs ached when I first began in 2012 now they take walking in stride.
The blisters that bleed on my feet due to crap shoes are now hard and solid and make me feel good.
I feel oxygen pumping through me when I'm running and smile at the beauty of the day waking up on my mornings.
No I am still with issues, some that will never leave me as they have scared me to the ends of my days BUT I wont let them effect me, I work around them and live my life now to enjoy the simple and nurturing moments given.
Reason five - me
Its hard isn't it. Its human nature to put others first, especially those of us with children. Never enough time in the day, I'm to busy, I'm to tired.
A simple...I cant be fucked would be more honest.
The hardest thing Ive learnt is to be appreciative of myself. For the effort I put into being me. Learning to respect yourself of what you can achieve and setting goal's to do things others see as impossible feed my ego bones.
No I'm not 'goal' weight. I fail to fit into a size 12 but I am content with where I am now. Being the size I was didn't happen over night so I don't expect it to come off in that fashion. While I see others shed huge numbers I am content more on living healthy and full. The numbers will follow when their ready.
- moderation is kind, self love is good.
- good food is fresh and clear and injury make you learn.
- mornings are beautiful and energy needs burning
- laughter tickles, support is valuable
We are the teachers of tomorrows people. Every generation gets reflected back onto.
I hope that the next generation sees us as the generation that gave a shit out ourselves and did something positive, good and wonderful about it.