Scary times

Scary shit isn't it!

In the raw baby...no make up hair everywhere (no knot's for a change).

Why am I posting it?

Why am I doing this blog post full stop?

Ive taken a step back from social media this week.  My head has been pissing me off with its 5 day migraine.  Thump thump thump.  Rain has stopped me from my morning 9km down load 2 days in a row,  people's insecurities and what I consider dumb arsed posting's have me wanting to throw my lappy across the room.

I understand we all have our demon's, have shit in us that needs to come out but asking others what changes they have seen in us or freaking out over a 100gram increase in weight totally shits me off.

Those sort of shitty comments play on other people.  

They then begin to judge themselves, 

Their abilities and hello insecurities come out to soccer punch us in the arse!

Asking a group of woman struggling daily with exercise, food intake, 

emotional roller coaster of happy - sad - kill myself feelings,

 what changes they have seen in me is just mind boggling, 

especially when you know the answers already.

IF YOU CANT SEE THE CHANGES - DO SOMETHING

Do not seek justification from others for the bag of chips you sneaked 

own  up to the lack of exercise your not completing

the over thinking you are doing.

Grab a camera and become a selfie whore.  Seek the good stuff!

Begin to nail the excuses on the head yourself.

No one's loving word's, gentle hug's or ahhhhh's are going to get you through it.

Fess up, take fucking control over your life, own shit!

Stop cotton wooling your excuses and finding excuses for everything.

I'm so over these people who are weighing themselves EVERY FUCKING DAY

Are you seriously trying to drive yourself insane?

What the hell are you doing??!!!

Why not just go and play chicken with on coming traffic?

Man - toss that mentality AWAY!  numbers don't mean shit!

This entire process is about changing your life for the better

To eat healthy - regain your life - become fit - get your mind into a positive place

STOP FUCKING WITH YOUR HEAD PEOPLE!!!

Go look in the mirror

Love the person you are - love the work you have put into being a better version of you

stop dwelling the glass half full 

Yep...I can hear you saying Maz stop being a judgemental bitch.

Yep....I'm being harsh dont like it, dont read my blog.

Know what, it has to be said.

I'm sick of PM's, people talking behind the curtains to afraid to step up and say something in case it hurts someones feelings.

WELL

If someone would of said to me fuck Maz what are you doing when I was stuffing my face I wouldn't be the size I was before I changed my ways.

If ONE person would of stepped up and said Maz you have put on so much weight, are you alright

I might of  done something sooner.  Perhaps not at that exact time, I would of been pissed to the max BUT It would of wormed me and no doubt something would of clicked.

Ive seen 2 amazing woman this week do something so selfless and inspiring.

(OMG I hate that word but yes they totally were and are)

Both of them, beautiful regardless shaved their heads for cancer.

I have tear's in my eye's for what they did.

That there is what this shit is about.

Being beautiful regardless of hair, not caring what others think

Beauty is what's in the heart.

They stepped up, owned what they did and gave what was in their hearts.

Both of these woman have changed something in me, my thoughts about life, about things I have considered.  I am totally in awe of them.

Thank you Cathy and Melanie for being...simply...wonderful you!

After 5 days of torture, anger at myself and the world around me

I caved.

I have been on a no coffee life change this round of MB12wbt.

I lasted 39 days.

Hubby told me to get a coffee into me

1 hour later....migraine gone along with shitty mood.

I have to say, it didn't taste as I remembered it

It was quiet blan and not sensational like I remembered

I defently wont be drinking to the capacity I was pre the 39 days but I will endeavour to have a few cups per week from this moment on.

Migraines are friggen torture, even more when you cant take drugs cause you need to drive the kids to and from school.

Yes Ive had a shit week....stress, health, kids, hubby

They all could of kissed my totally screwed up fat arse this week!

Dream finale dress isn't fitting smaller, my arse is hurting, exhaustion..do I need to go one *roll eyes

Due to it,  I did what an awesome chick suggested months ago

I grabbed my camera and hello selfies time.

Time I decided what parts of me I like and to show them off.

I am totally loving my feet.  I had these balloon type things at the ends of my legs for so long that felt spongy...now my kankles have gone and blow me, there's an actual bone there! 

HOLLY SHIT

I have also discovered that I have muscle in my arms.

I had a total freak out at work one night in my blond fog asking my work college what the hell it was.

The roll of fat that use to sit there is so long gone now...I sometimes don't recognise my arms at all.

There isn't a roll of fat that I have to push down and hide from squashing up against the window in the car anymore either.

And bugger me, I have calve muscles not just stumps of legs anymore. The cellulite I have below my knee's has kindly pissed off to.

I HAVE EYE'S!!!!

I don't have these little pig dot's trying to peep out from my fat face anymore.

My eye's ping!!

*special note - please excuse unwaxed brow's...making myself a deal when I get to 90kg's (or finale) I'm seeing my beautician for the works

Ive these strange hollow bits in my shoulder blades and I can feel bones on my chest.

I don't EVER remember feeling them before in my life!!

My size 18DD bra's are to big.

I bought them when I was a 22EE praying like a mad bitch that they might fit me one day

hmmm wonder if I still have a big banger hiding somewhere...*scratches chin

Most of all I love that my granny jocks - size 26, that use to sit in under my gunt and cut in to my legs and cesarean scare are harry high pants now :P

I sometimes don't recognise myself.  I look in the mirror or at photo's others have taken off me and see the old Maz in them.

All I ever wanted was to fit into size 18 cloth's...guess what

size 18 is a little big for me these day's 

Stupidly I still go into the plus size section of the clothes store to buy stuff.

I had a lady look at me funny yesterday in Big W.  I had picked up a top, in my old size (26) and she said I hope your not buying that for you and proceeded to put a size 16 top in my hand.

I laughed her off and quickly ran into the men's section.  I felt stupid.

The feeling never leaves I don't think.  I often feel like a fraud and scared shitless someone is going to out my lie's and deception.  I don't see my self as skinny, I'm still the same person.

The head and mind can be a strange place I tell you.

This is my last selfie for 6 week's.

I'm putting myself on a ban.  I have alot of work to do until finale week (beginning of May)

I want to now be 90kg's

I WILL BE 90kg's by then

I have a few plan's for myself in the next 6 weeks, and well lets just say that this pic might just be the last one of me looking this way.

Here goes nothing and here comes everything