Habits

I can tell Autumn is here.

Yesterday there was a fog out on the paddocks.

Today my nose felt like an ice block.

5am isn't warm anymore.....jumpers need to be worn and longer pants to keep the mozzies at bay as well as the cold that creeps along your skin like little fingers tickling you.

Yep its here alright.

I'm counting down the weeks now until day light savings kicks back.  My 5am's will have a little light in them again, the darkness wont be so scary and eerie feeling.  The echoing sounds of my feet wont freak me out as much and more people will be out doing their thing.

I love Saturday mornings.  Seeing party people going home after a long night out on the town.  Remembering how I use to be one of those people, smelling of cigarette smoke and off my nut still.  I wonder now how I functioned the next day now.  How the hell did I live like that??  

Every weekend was the same.

It becomes habit I suppose.  

We get so use to how we live our life a certain way it just becomes the norm.  Is that why we get scared when changes happen? our habit's are turned on their arse and the norm is thrown out the window.  Our thinking changes, our lives change and all of a sudden we think shit why isn't shit running like it use to?  Panic set's in.

I watch my boys, they need routine. Once it's broken and their set way's have been changed, life is black for them.  The fear, the stress in their faces and words screams HELP ME.  They lash out verbally, physically on the world.  New routines need to be placed in gradually rather then replaced all the way, straight away.  

Most of us can reflect on those reactions.  How do we overcome the fear, the mental anguish and inner fighting we put ourselves through?  How do we over come the negative and the harshness that our minds only allow us to see in those times?

*shrugs*  do we just swim and ignore the screaming?  hope and pray that the pain eases quickly and that the new will soon be the norm?  

I was a fighter....I was hellbent on keeping hold of what I could.  I was in control that way.  It was easy for me to sit and whinge about my arse and gutt that poked out and feed my lazy bones.  Far easier to let people think I was pregnant and not fat, humouring people when they asked me when I was due, rubbing my insecure ego.  Hiding behind my scenes of humour and having others laugh at my silly ways.  Standing back in awe of those who actually did something productive, positive for their lives...and hating them all the way for having the confidence, motivation and self worth that I declined to except.

I am still a fighter...I fight a different cause now. 

I'm fighting for my life, for my health and now my happiness.

I am no longer hiding behind the lies I formed.

I no longer loath or hate those who love their lives. I have learnt from them. I smile at their happiness.

I am thankful to them for showing me that habits can be broken and life is worth every part of my being for the happiness it brings.

Things I have learnt this week (this is going to be a Tuesday thing from now one)

• Milk is not a good substitute for water - Ive been drinking far to much off it and my tummy swells like I'm 5 months pregnant when I drink it.  I dont want to go back there (NOOOOO runs and hides)

• There was a really good reason why I stopped eating oranges - eczema has come back under my arms and in spots that just ain't cool.

• Squats are fantastic - even the DOM's after making me feel alive

• Cinema pop corn really taste shit - I had my first taste in over a year this weekend and it was YUCK!

xxMaz