Hair today, gone tomorrow

3 years ago I had long hair...until one day Wil in one of his fits of rage, grabbed it, pulled me down and proceeded to kick me in the head.

5 minutes after regaining control over the situation and calming him down, 

I walked into the bathroom and chopped of my plait, 

taking away his ability to do the same again.

After growing it back out ever since I decided I needed a new style, a new look to go with the newly found me.

This week I took the plunge and cut my hair.

Now I realise hair is hair, it grows back.  It never replaces the person you are within.

All I ever thought while I was larger was how my hair took the shine away from my butt, from my bulging tummy.  My hair was 'my thing'.  It was long, lushes..made me feel pretty, sensual.  People always commented on how long and lovely my hair was.  

It was my camouflage and sponge.

Hiding my emotion's like my nervous laugh use to.

Soaking up my insecurities and holding fast onto negativity's.

I didn't think anyone would understand the importance of letting go of the hair.

Until I spoke to someone about it a few nights ago and she asked why I wasn't going to share my new look openly. 

 I wanted to keep it a surprise for people when they saw me in the flesh next was my excuse.  

When really, I was trying to hold onto the last part of being the old me.

Why was I doing that?  

Ive come so far yet here I was scared shitless yet again. 
Her question slapped me and woke me up.

Truth be known
I was scared of looking like this again

As if by cutting away my hair I'd suddenly put all the weight back on
All my past issue's would come knocking on my door to invite themselves back into my life
Scared that Id reverse any of the positive things I had achieved and accomplished would simply disappear into thin air and the last 16 months would off been a dream.

Sitting in the chair at the hair dressers I made myself really look at me.
Yep crows feet, wrinkles, bags but happy lines.
Its almost like the goodness that I feel inside is coming out via my face.
My skin is the clearest its been since my pre teenage years
I never noticed how pointy my chin was or how high my cheek bones actually are
I always thought I had a big round face 
(was teased at high school for it for years and it broke me for a long time)
 hubby told me its more like a love heart (with a smile)

Head down, watching the length becoming shorter and shorter
I felt the layers of pain, sadness and negativity break free from me.
I didn't have to hide under it all,  didn't have to be that person or will never be the old person anymore.

I'm a newer me.
A better me, inside and out, all over.

 I'm getting use to this new person I came home with last Wednesday.
Feels a bit like wearing a pair of g bangers for the first time.
You know, you feel like you have to pull them out all the time but then you realise no its just the way they are, the way its meant to be.
She's told me she's staying around for a long while.
I'm loving how she makes me feel