Friday, November 30, 2012

Good bye my lover...good bye my friend

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. darling deep fryer
How you have been there for me when others have failed.
You have comforted me, given me the love and support when others failed me.
Cooked my chips, chicken strips and mini spring rolls to perfection, allowing me to consume them with delight.
Allowed me to eat my sadness away with your oily goodness.
My children have welcomed you with open arms basking in your love for fineness.
You blinded us with your glory and hide form us your true colours.

YOU my lover are evil in disguise.
YOU feed my sadness permitting me to dwell and bloat in my dark hours.
Your quick fix flew through us and then spat us out back into the darkness.
We have cottoned onto the addiction you were feeding us.
Your oil will no longer be flowing through our veins
Your battered drippyness will no longer be accepted into our lives.
You destroyed us with to much love
with to much cholesterol
with to much fat

We salute you my lover.

It is not with sadness that we is with fond memories of a life that was.
Sadly - you my lover are no longer part of the life we live now.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

Darling deep fryer
circa 2008 - 2012

You WILL be forgotten

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Bridges burnt

Why is it that when we move forward that we lose some of those who we thought would understand?
Understand the fight we had to get ourselves better, healthier and happier.
 Ive walked down many lanes and back roads, hand in hand with people only to have them throw stones at me, now when I need them the most.
I never asked them for direction, never asked for small change, just their friendship and support.
Yet when I need them, when I feel secure and nurtured by them, they take the first opening to run away.

I'm not a jealous person..I believe everyone has the right to feel and behave to their own.
Control is something that is heavy and drag's you down emotionally.
Subconsciously I was controlled by the negative some of my friendships gave.  As friends do, they share the hurt and give a shoulder...I soon became eloped in the nastiness and when the light was turned on and these woman's insecurities came out to play
I became their emotional punching bag.

Its worse then sitting and eating the anger and sadness away, to find someone you thought so much off has soccer punched your friendship due to their jealousy and spite at the life you have built from out of the dark hole you both resided in for so long.
Guess what sucker...its not going to work because my life....its means more then putting my self back down into that sess pit of pity and self loathing.  I am more then that, my life and health mean more to me then to live in the dark that once was.

Trying to look at the positive out of this and I hope that the anger they feel towards me can make them shift the negative from them eventually and they can reflect back on what an arse hat of a friend they were for kicking me when I needed them.

Yes, for some I may have the 'perfect' life, wonderful supportive husband, fantastic children, my own successful business and a great job.
Grass always looks greener on the other side when you don't live that person's life.  Ive had enough struggles in my life to put a pretty white jacket on but I refuse to let those struggles define me as a person.  I get up, dust it off and move on.

So next time you pull out your mars bar and coke for breakfast, thinking what a girls front bum I am and wanting  to bitch about what a crap spelling fucktard I am....
try to think about getting your arse of that fucking couch and doing something positive for yourself
cause no one likes a nasty bitch friend
Life is for living, you dumb shit not grieving 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The wagon

I'll start this post with a warning
I may upset a few people by what I'm about to post 
My apologies if I do

How hard is it to stay on it?
So so many people comment on how they have fallen of the wagon or  getting back on the wagon.  
Its become a catch phrase that seems to have lost means over recent months for me.
Yes I have been guilty of saying it in the past.  Its a cop out for me.
I fucked up this week, back on the wagon I go only to do the same shit 2 weeks later and use the same excuse again - back on the wagon.


Lets be honest we all have bad days and eaters remorse sinks in.
We feel guilty and have to find a reason or blame point anywhere else but to point the finger at ourselves.  The wagon is a great has no feelings, cant voice its opinion or truth to those listening to us. Its our silent allaby.  It feeds our lie bone. We get away with it once, then we try it again and it begins to build those wall's up again that we have been trying so hard to smash down.
Are we substituting our old ways with new excuses?
Don't get me wrong, I screwed up with part of my way to here. I needed to build those parts of me to understand what the hell was going on.  Without falling down there is no way I could comprehend the effort and control I now have.  We need to fall on our arses from time to time to give us a reality check and remember the big picture.
Seeing - I'm back on the wagon - so many people comment well done, great to see you have gotten back into it.  We all see it as such a positive thing. 
Yes it is 


do we then feed those who are vulnerable to use it as a way out.  
Ive fallen off the wagon
perhaps its a polite way of saying I right royally screwed up big time and now I feel shit.
Why not just say it?
I am in love with those who say it how it is. Those who are honest to say I cant do it help.
That there is honesty my friend's and they are willing to give it their all.  
They look to feed upon guidance and I am only to give what I can to them.
I'm not looking at being favourites with anyone.  This ball game of life is hard enough to deal with, without having sugar coated crap put on a plate for us.

Strength is something that comes from within.  It beats through your heart, flows through your veins and empowers your mind.
Its not easy, its fucking hard to say the least.
Round 3 I said I wouldn't drink for the entire round...I got to week 10 and I became weak.
I could say I fell off the wagon but nope....I got weak and craved in.  I could kick my own arse 100 times over for it.  Instead of dwelling on it I made myself a strategy and will stick with it as I have again  said I will have an alcohol free round.  Again, its not easy but I have things in place so I don't screw it up.  If I can over come it, I will prove to me, no one else, how strong and empowered I am.
THIS is the best gift I can give myself.
Being truthful and accountable to ME. No one else.  

Its scary...omg YES but know what.
What the hell in life isn't?
We don't know unless we let go, open ourselves up for what is to come and brave the fear with guts and   determination.  I wont allow fear to control those parts of my life like I use to.  Life is far to short to live in wonder of what could of should be about celebrating what you have given, no matter how small or big.  The main concern should be if it makes you happy.

Life isn't scary
Its what others feed us to feel that allows us to get scared.
Live it, enjoy it, love it.


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The shift

So Maz, - tell me... what has shifted? What do you have? What is making it work this time round for you?

that was a question put to me today by a lovely lady after I said I think I finally have 'it' and its taken me until round 4 for it to 'click'

What has shifted?  
my arse for starters.  I remember when I began Michelle's program I walked and walked.  I often walked 12km's in one morning session.  I loved it but though, shit anyone can walk I want more.  One morning, I think it was half way through round 2 I said fuck this and did a shuffle that was to be my first steps into what I referred to at the time as jogging. My god it bloody killed me.  I started by shuffling from one light post to the other, then walking 2 light posts length and then running the next.  I only lasted 3 light posts and my god, it bloody well killed me (well ok maybe not but it felt like it).  I remember hunching over, spewing and thinking FUCK what the hell!  What the hell happened to me to spew after such a little bit of shuffling.  I did this over and over for a few days until i didn't need to spew again....then I cut back walking to 1 light post between shuffles.  
Come back to the now and here I am, a chic who can jog (I wont call it running yet) 3km's in one go, WITHOUT SPEWING!!!!  I just get very red and wet now from sweating up a storm...and my lungs feel so good and clear when I breath.  

What do you have?
2 feet and a heart beat. *giggle* seriously..I am so thankful for my feet and feeling so good.  I look back over the last few years and my health was really poor.  2010 saw me having major surgery for a cyst on my bowel which I had operated twice and although its not the same as it was before I am thankful that it works and I have been given a second chance so to speak.  Diabetes's was thrown into the mix after getting the all clear on cancer and that made me shit bricks.  Both my parents, sister and brother have it and there was no way on this earth I wanted to head down the same path.
I have a VERY supportive husband.  That is one thing i defently do have.  He has  not once detered me and encourages me to give things my all.  Of course he benefits from this all in the way of eating healthy and having a much happier wife.  I couldn't off gotten to where I am now if it wasn't for him and his kick arse love.
My children give me so much.  They are my unspoken support team.  My eldest is eating what he eats now and is more conscious of what is good food and bad food.  He is starting to make healthy choices for himself and is now getting more active along with me.  My second eldest is a completely different child since we began our new lifestyle.  He now eats foods he never would touch and tells me everyday how beautiful his happy mum is.  This means the world to me as autism ruled his life for so long and now HE rules his life with a passion that puts an extra heartbeat into my heart.  My daughter loves cooking with me and is aware of what are good foods and bad foods.  She has told me diets are for people who don't live healthy and that that wont ever happen to her cause we live 'properly'....the wisdom of a 6 year old amazes me.  My youngest son has now began talking and communicating with us all.  His bouts of anger are less and he is so much happier and loving then he was 1 year ago.  He to has spectrum traites and has cerebral palsy.

What is making it work this time round for you?
I really don't know.  I over came so much in Sydney...something in me just snapped.  I remember standing in front of the stage looking up at the people who had become finalist and thinking, shit me, these girls are in my 30 plus group...look at them.  Look how healthy, happy and enthused they look.  I WANT THAT!  I want to have the smile that bedazzles.  Feel so good about myself that I could stand in front of everyone and think BOO FUCKING YEAH.  I want what they feel inside. The energy, the confidence and happiness.  I so wished that I could pinch a little of what they were giving out, their positive vibes.  I put it out to the universe...I'm going to give as much as I can, I'm going to treat my body as a temple, treat it right and I pray like a madman that I have the glow and energy that those girls have.
I spoke to so many wonderful people that night, pinching a little of the energy from each of them as they all offered something different and enlightening.  These people are utterly amazing.  I am in total awe of all the men and woman I spoke to that night...from my personal inspiration and her gorgeous husband who I probably embarrassed with my drunken praising to the wonderful mentors who spoke with me in line waiting to get into the party.  

People have no idea what kind of effect they have on others.  The littlest smile, the hello, a hug all build such an amazing mountain of happiness and positive energy.  Thank you to everyone that helped contribute to my shift...I owe you big time.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Can can dancing ohh yeah

I'm having one of those HAPPY days today

This is what goes through my head on days like today

So much discussion between my husband and I.
Ive done alot of thinking...and then some more.
I'm over analysing all the facets in my life.
I'm over making life harder then it has to be.

If one thing the last 11 months has taught me is that life can be way less complicated then it is.
Why the hell run around like a chook with no head when you know you need eyes to find it.
I use to use my work as my escape.  
Stress would get the better of me and the machines would come out and created my little heart out.
I have noticed lately that work causes me more stress then needed.
While I'm sitting making items for others my family are missing out on my time.
While I am on the computer doing admin stuff my husband misses our time.
While I am answering email after email and getting bitched about by other WAHM's due to their expectations 
my soul misses my time.

For the first time in 6 years I have realised that life is for living.
Not for sitting, dwelling on the workload.

2013 is going to see lots of positive changes
and they are all for 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Reflection's of Sydney - Part 2

One of my goal's in round three was to let go of negative and free myself of the impact it has on my life.  Recent events in my life made me question what is true to me and those around me.   Situations, people, thoughts, fears all fall into this category.

I decided that one negative fear of mine had to go....and then decided another only to have a 3rd conquered due to circumstances beyond my control

Since I have been little I have had a tremendous fear of bridges.  Ive woken screaming from dreams of me being in a car, with my mum and second eldest brother, driving happily over a bridge only to get out into the middle of the mass of water we were crossing, to find the bridge had just stopped and we drove off the end.  Ive never dreamt of falling into the water at the end, I always wake up screaming.  I totally shit myself when going over them now, even though I know that the road continuous and that its safe...i totally and utterly crap myself every time.

Height's make me wet myself in fear (thank god for sanitary napkins).  I started to overcome the fear a few years ago and news of my aunt falling of her first story roof and dying due to it bought it all back.

You can see my hurdle cant you....heights, bridges.  Now think Sydney...what's in Sydney???

this little  black duck is gonna get herself up that bridge 
I have to tell heart was beating pretty dame fast before getting our gear on.
My pulse was at 129 beats while we were sitting waiting for our climb.
The 1/2 hour training before hand had the spit glands in my mouth drying up and my hands trembling.
Excitement, fear, the was all there and I wasn't backing out.
EVEN when fear number 3 came to slap me in the face
It was raining and windy.  I'm not scared of rain, I absolutely HATE being wet with clothes on.  The sensation drives me insane and I shudder at the thought of it now even writing this.
So the prospect of getting wet outside on the climb had me shitting bricks big time.

The looking down over the road made me gasp at how high we were but I kept forging forward.
Just when I though, yeah this is alright our hostest with the mostest informed us we had to climb up 4 vertical
Once I got over the first ladder I felt fine. OMFG I did it, little happy dance was happening inside of me.
Outside, in the cold and wet I was blown away by the view and the calm I felt.
Yes I said calm.  I couldn't believe how relaxed I felt and how I just wanted to trek on to the top.
Lots of picture stops on the way so thankful for them to reflect back on.
The one above was taken with the girls who are doing the MB12wbt program as well.
It was an honour to be doing it with such an awesome bunch of girls, even if we did leave the other climbs behind when we walked lol.
Just before this picture, the last trek to the summit, I was very thankful for the rain.
Tears escaped from my eyes and yep, snot was dripping from my uncontrollable release.
I felt free, alive and fearless.  So much negative escaped from me in that last 5 min's to the summit 
and the yelling at the top was the icing on the cake.

THIS picture above, means the world to me!  
Its the beginning of a new way of thinking for me, one with less stress due to the negative - no I cant I'm scared thoughts that accumulated in the past.
I shared with moment with 2 people who have helped me, understood my fears, stood by me in the last few years and offered nothing but friendship.
I will be forever thankful to them both for being there for me.

Its remarkable how different I feel since that night.
Quiet alot of thinking has been going on ever since and so many more positive things and paths are being chosen in my life now.
My family, my husband, children, close friends and life are going to be a major priority for me from this moment on....things are changing big time in my house and I couldn't be happier

and who knows what great adventures I may do in the future
the sky's the limit


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Red flag weekend....I WIN!!!

well well.
My first red flag weekend this round.
Melbourne trip for work and celebrating my best friends birthday with drinks, dinner and the movies.

How have I come out on the other side of it???
Lets start from Friday night shall we.

Sucker mum bought the kids Pizza Hut pizza's Friday you realise how much that shit makes my mouth water and my inner FEED MY FAT bitch come out to play??!!
But my urge and WILL made me turn around, make myself a nice salad and a tin of tuna.

Driving to my destination was another challenge.  Normal travel food it essential for know, few m & m's, chips, pringals, bottle of pepsi max.......this time. NOTHING!

Saturday saw me getting my arse up and out to Cole's at 6am to buy 2 banana's, 2 apples, 1 breakfast on the go yogurt and one fruit and yogurt for lunch.  I cant believe how full and happy I was to eat this all Day with my 2L bottle of water.  I had the temptation of the coffee van and its cookie, cake and takeaway goodness calling me through the window but nope.....I turned my back, closed the curtain and kept doing my job.

That night I had a beautiful evening with some gorgeous and special girls in my life.  Hogs breath was the dinner of choice.  I asked for a grilled steak with cal rings, salad with NO dressing and half the amount of curly fries normally given.  I ordered a mock tail, sticking to my no alcohol promise I made.  Bloody hard watching the girls drinking their yummy looking cocktails but nope....didn't budge.  Dinner came and of course my salad had dressing....whats a girl to do...ask for a clean salad.  Yep, I surely did and received it with a smile...silently I bet the chef spat in it these bloody customers and their stupid least his spit wouldn't have calories in it.  I continued to eat my yummy meal and washed it down with more water.

Off to have coffee and chat while we waited for out movie....I coffee ordered, half strength, lite milk NO SUGAR latte.....nom nom nom.  I never realised coffee tasted so good and how much sugar covers the pureness and taste of some foods.

Movies was another ball popcorn did I order, no malteasers, no donuts...even though it was my first time in gold class, no I was content with my bottle of water.  I did almost god the lure of BBQ chips got to me a little and thank the LORD for my bestie who said 'no maz you DON'T need the chips'.  Know what, she was absolutely right and I didn't need them.  Lucky for her our chairs were a distance a part otherwise I would of snuggled her with thanks half way through the movie.
It wasn't probably was the hardest part of the weekend...watching people order food I normally would have eaten and gorged myself on other things..shit me I was in first class and didn't even have a drink for fuck sake!!! What the hell.
Nope..just another

Today I drove back to Cole's, got myself some more yogurt, some fruit and veggies before heading home to cut and have ready to eat in the car.

I had a revelation on the Hume between my tired eyes and carrot sticks.
Gone is the gourger, the lets eat just cause we can...may not taste great but we'll eat it anyway girl.
You now the one...the girl who see's food and just snorts it up without hesitation and then sits there afterwards complaining of heart burn when really its her inner healthy telling her WOOOOOAAAHH what the fuck did you just do to me?!  Where she would inhale the contents of her plate and the left overs of her friends without the blink of an eye and in the process forget what it tasted like because she needed to get it in her belly.  Where food held no enjoyment bar to feed the brain rather then nourish body. Feeding that addiction to food that your brain tells you EAT when all the time your body is screaming HELP ME.
I sat in my car, picked up a celery stick god I hate you and bite into it only to discover an explosion of taste that made me feel higher then I did on the Sydney Harbour bridge.
What the hell have I been missing out on with my food?  I feel like Ive just woken up and rediscovered some parts of the world.
WIN WIN fucking WIN!!!!!

Ive said for a while that I feel like I'm reborn again since I began my new lifestyle.
This round, I feel like I've been given second chance's as I can reflect now on what was and what can be.
To say I'm loving it, is an understatement.  Life is good...enjoy it

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Reflection's of Sydney - Part 1

As I sit here, with swollen, blistered feet and sun burnt shoulders my mind is buzzing with the enormity of the weekend Ive just had.

Within 48 hours

  • I flew to Sydney and back home to Melbourne
  • burnt 1700 calories walking to the bridge climb, including the bridge climb and walking back to the hotel room Friday night
  • drank 8 bottles of water in 12 hours
  • burnt another 1600 calories walk to the Michelle Bridges work out and doing the work out.
  • hung out with some TOTALLY amazing people
  • wore a tutu down Oxford street Sydney with my amazing muscle legs
  • learnt many wonderful life lessons
  • conquer a shit load of fears
  • danced the night away and got carpet burn on my feet in the process (DON'T ASK)
and most of all...realised although I am a new person I will never forget where I came from.  

Its so easy to be wrapped up in our new life style, leaving the old baggage behind.  The excitement of new friendships, attention, being the NEW version of yourself is exciting, exhilarating...but in the process I don't want to forget who I was before hand...the person who started with low self esteem, with no confidence.

I wont forget how I use to look down and not look people in the eye due to being ashamed of who I though I represented on the outside.  Feeling uncomfortable in a dress that was to tight and me shitting myself that my muffin top that was spilling out of my size 26 granny knickers would be noticeable under my top.  How I felt like an outsider with my friends who had great confidence with who they were.....

Being part of a 'team' makes my heart pound deep with pride.

Coming to Sydney wasn't about was about representing the 30plus team.  Each and everyone of us who had worked our arses off to be healthier, stronger, happier versions of ourselves.  To support each other as much as we do on line.

One of the 'team' stood on the sidelines, with her legs in a brace due to an injury yet here she was, dressed in her Saturday princessness, still doing the best she could to keep up with the workout.  THAT my friends is a woman of passion!  A woman who wont let anything get in her way!  With joy, I made my way over to her, to work out next to her...because SHE is an extraordinary example of proving there are no can always find away.

I learnt alot of truth's that slapped me in the face in this time.  Truths I thought didn't exist in our 30plus group and honestly, it fucken saddened me.  To many moat's and little communal islands are made with no way's to cross.  It felt like I was 16 years old again and trying to decided which 'group' I fitted into.
You know the cool kids, with the cool sneakers on and the awesome boyfriends group.  The kids who want to be in that group so bad they'd bust their poo poo valve in the process for a simple HELLO from the cool kids. Then the kids who are normal, yeah I don't care but get hurt at the attention other group's get because there is no team spirit.
Ive never really been part of any group...Ive always sort of gotten along with everyone.  Ive always spoken what I've thought and yep lost friends due to it but *shrugs* Its me and I'm not about to piss in your pocket while kissing your arse.
Popularity is something that has never really appealed to me.  I would rather have a hand full of friends who understand me then put a mask on have the world think I'm someone I'm not.  I may as well keep my fat suit and keep pretending I'm fucking happy if that's the case.
I just wish the divide in our little community wasn't so vast and that we could all remember that while we are all different we should love, respect and honour all personalities, thoughts and passion's without judgement or exclusion.

Cause come on, this weight lose shit is hard work, even harder in the dark on you own.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Crossing bridges

To move forward sometimes we need to reflect 
on the bridges we have crossed and overcome in the process

Enjoy life sip by sip not gulp by gulp – The Minister of Leaves

 Try to relish what we have and not dwell on what could of been

Make one healthy choice...and now make another
(the fridge)

Put on your big girly panties and

Believe and it will come

I eat healthy....don't I?
If you have to ask it...your quiet obviously trying to hide the truth
Stop putting your body through your mind games 

Don't have the time to go to the gym
Well my pretties
There's no place like home.

These have all been hurdles, bumps and pot holes that I have learnt 
to over come over the last 10 months.

This new life is so much more then weight
Its about cleansing the negative
Releasing your fears
Believing in YOU

1 year on
I am finally


Monday, November 12, 2012

the 'commitment' post Round 4

Every round we are required to make a commitment post.
Honestly, I find this shit hard. 
The less I think about it the easier it is for me.
as I want and IM GOING to kick arse this round I am doing what Im told 

Here is my commitment....Maz style 

  Never again will I hide behind my sad smile
Never again will the discomfort of my guilt of having a unhealth life interfer with happiness.
Where the hell did I leave that top and growth under my chin????

I will continue to nurish my body with good, healthy food.
        Drink water and allow it to cleanse the toxin's stored within.
Sadly that means as off day 1 - round 4 


I will continue to focus on using my energy in a postive manner.
I aim to follow the 10K program this round and attend my first fun run in January 2013
God help me, im going to bloody run atleast 5km's straight if its going to kill me

I will continue to have fun, try new things and laugh doing it
This may include buying new clothes,
getting a massage and perhaps a facial

All while keeping my shit together
no matter where I am

Most of all, I commit to keeping happy
and  trying to being a good rolemodel to my children in the process.


numbers schumbers

I realise that being on the MB program I have to weigh in and measure myself.

Yes I'm competitive and would one day love to see an 'my inspiration' post in the forum with my name attached :P (come on who does wanna see that ) and after reading lots of the post's from other's it seems losing weight is a big factor to why people are inspiring.
Happily there's so much more to it.

Yes I would love to weight 75kg's

Yes I would love to wear size 12 clothes and have a 80cm waist


atm I am in a happy place 

Happy that size 18 fits me and that I have 4 bags of size 24 - 26 clothes sitting to go to the op shop

Happy that I have energy and the will to try to do anything in my life I set my mind to

Happy so many of my friends have taken control over their lives and joined the revolution of being healthy

Please note - not actual friends

please note - THESE are some of my actual friends

This morning saw me take my end of round three pic for comparison

bammm bammm bammmmmmm

Why hellooooo shrinking gunt :)

I was trying not to focus to much on overall weight lose this round although it would of been a bonus. 5kg's gone to be exact making it 25kg's since I began.
This round was more of concentrating on trying to decrease the size of that useless flap that hangs not so much over my va ja ja now :)
Yes VA JA JA.....I found it again...forgot what it looked like for such a long time. 
Ive re learnt how to use it to much to hubbies joy #giggleliketwist
Worrying thing was when I ran or jumped I hear I could hear it banging on.  Not so much now. 
Compression pants do wonders mind you lol

So on that note of excitement I will leave you with this picture of myself
with hopes that I can get back here before I fly off to Sydney on Friday for the end of finale workout and party.


love, peace and mungbeans to all

Friday, November 9, 2012

McHappy day what it means to me

Yes...I bought, I ate and enjoyed a big mac!!!
Its junk food!!!
How could I.
Well follow me..

A big mac has 493 cal's.
That's pretty huge right considering a meal on the 12mbt  is max 300cal's.
I try my hardest to stick to the 1200 cal's a day rule and this is nearly half of my cal intake for the day.
Let me tell you a little secret 
Saturdays is treat meal day #happydancefreak
Which in english terms means that I can have a 600cal meal on this holly day
I simply swapped around my dinner and lunch cal count around.
So tonight instead of a big meal, I'll have a platter of fruit and a small piece of chicken.

I will let you know
Right now
Im feeling VERY seedy.
Im not use to eating this type of food anymore
every McHappy day my babies and I head to Macca's and buy some Big Mac's
Why you ask....

Many moons ago a man, lets call him Jed and a woman, lets call her Maz got a little crazy and thought
hell why not expand our family.
After miscarrying twins they thought they would wait as thier heart were in pain not having their Willow and Sunni with them.
After Maz not having her period for a long time and feeling sick a test revealed that the decision was taken out of their hands.
Many ultra sounds revealed that a little girl would be completing their family.  Kryztell was going to make her entrance mid January.
Christmas came and a very sick and swollen Maz went to the hospital with extremely high blood emergency ultra sound revealed that Kryztell has actually grown quiet a large 'member' and from that moment on was renamed Mateauz.
Maz on the other hand was told to come in for daily morning monitoring and then told she had to wait until the 8th of January for this little man to come earth side.
Meanwhile, little did we know nasty blood clots were invading Mateauz while in utero and causing all sorts of trouble.

Mateauz was a very blue baby....the picture above was taken by my best friend..he was restless, crying in pain and miserable.

At 10 days of age we were rushed to the children's hospital in Melbourne due to these nasty blood clots rupturing and killing of parts of his brain.  I was told not to expect him to live past 3 months due to the severity off them.
For 5 weeks I stayed at the Royal Children's Hospital, by his side and had nothing but help and support by everyone there.
Ronald MacDonald helped house me in that time. I was alone and had nothing but the security that they gave me to be near my baby.

3 months later I was told not to expect him to crawl, let alone walk on his own.

Here is is today
2 months shy of turning 5
He has set backs....he has only just recently began talking
He no longer wears a nappy through the day
Drawing is something that is kicking in slowly

I have massaged him
Danced, jiggled and stretched with him
We sing, repeat words and read constantly

I try to display correct behaviours, eating and most of all love.

McHappy day means more to me then calories and a big mac.
McHappy day allows me to reflect on all the goodness that the world has.  That someone who has a major position in a company, gave enough off the love in their heart to help those of us who need it.

I will be forever thankful for what they gave without wanting anything in return.

McHappy day everyone

What shall Cinderella wear to the ball?


I use to bitch about not having anyhting to wear when I was a size 26.
bloody hell its worse now that im an 18.  
My boob's dont fit in things *angry face*

After searching the web I found this beautiful floor length floating number
HELLO boobs introducing themselves a week before I enter the room
Hubby of course thinks its so know where he wants me to wear it 

This little number looked so much more attractive on the little thin stick model
wearing it on the monitor then it does me.
My boob's hold it up quiet nicely though .. you have to agree 
and its nice and FLUFFY but allas not me

Then I did go trolling the City Chic site and OMG found this little gorgeous get up.
BUT I think it doesnt show off any boob at all..cant win can I *headbutts arse*
please note sexy legs they have come out to play *wolf whistle*

Today another dream dress comes in the mail
If I dont look like a wanna be actor doing porno's before my big screen break.....
I dont know what 
Of course hubby is only to happy to tell me how great I look
yes honey...even though my nipples are peeking out and nicely saying
hello ladies


Im thinking I may just have to wear the above...atleast those important will know im part of the 30+ group and I wont be missed :P

7 more sleeps and if all else fails....its potatoe sacks at 10 paces

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I have FEET!!!!

See this picture

After not noticing a difference in my before and after pictures this round I did my foot picture thing and hello :)  look not jsut at how much of my feet you can now see but look at how close together my feet are :)  *wiggle wiggle*

THIS means so much more then what the scales say and what my measuring tape tells me.

Its THESE things that put the icing on the cake for me.  I know so many others who would be able to relate to the fist punch feeling that I am getting right now from looking at these pictures.

Never give up....the small things don't happen over night, they take time, patients and dedication.


Hiding in the dark

I cant believe I haven't been 'here' since June! over 4 months...what the hell??!!!

Ive almost completed another round and I haven't blogged once.    

Allow me to explain......

After totally screwing with my own head mid round 2 I lost the plot.  I became obsessed with numbers, working out as much as I could and burning a bucket load of cal's in the process.  While I thought I was feeling great I was suffocatings myself with darkness.  My weight wasn't moving and numbers became my focus.  It was angering me that nothing I did was reflecting on the scales.

I had to step back and remember why I started this in the first place.

It wasn't for weight, it wasn't for numbers or trying to out do myself so I would fall into a pile of shit.

I did this to be healthy.
I did it to find 'me' again.

My body didn't care about what numbers the scales popped out, how many cal's I was counting, how many km's I could curn out.  It was happy and delighted that I was taking control over the years of bad habits, giving it back nourishment and life.  

This round has been my light bulb moment.  I have learnt to listen to my body, not my mind and have finally found a peace.  

No more hiding in the dark :)  this is me.... free of the baggage