Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hiding in pictures

Now we all take the piss out of girls in photo's like this

But how many of us have and still do disguise what we truly look like with the angle of our camera.
What are we truely hiding???
I know Ive put the camera up high so that my pictures are taken from above my layers.

This on was taken end of 2009 - 120kg's...squishing shoulder together, tucking my chin in to hide my double chin, my bingo flaps and neck roll.  I remember taking at least 10 pic's to get this one.
Note - picture taken from the top to help disguise and feed the illusion of thinness

Another on...stretching my neck out like a friggen giraffe so that you couldn't see my double chin.
Mind you as soon as I took the picture it all went back like an accordion.
My face was fairly full then...pop my eyes and your drawn to them, not my chubby cheek's

Another from the top picture. I cropped the side so you wouldn't see my arms. Tucking my chin and hiding behind my hair was the strategy this time..I thought it worked but I can see plan as day how stupid I looked.  I may as well put botox in my chin its the bloody huge.

Another top view...I seemed to have taken LOT'S of top views.
What was I thinking? 
 I tell you what..if I take the picture this way people aren't going to see how big I really am.  
They wont see the double quarter ponders I ate on the way home shopping, the big bad of chips I ate watching Neighbours, the large family supreme pizza I ate by myself.  

They see in control Maz...Maz who never complains and is always the joker.
Maz who isnt crying inside - waiting for someone to say, hey are you alright.
Maz who is always everyone elses shoulder because helping others with their problems is so much easier then dealing with her own shit.
Maz who cries herself to sleep some nights in worry.

How many of us mask ourselves, our lives because we cant handle the thought of disappointing others,
In turn then disappointing ourselves?
How many of us shut our mouths to keep the peace?  
Never saying what we really think until its to late and the shit has not just hit the fan but totally fucked it?
And for what?  To torture ourselves out mentally and physically?  

pfffttt not any more!!!!

 One person can give you strength, confidence and the light in your day.
One person can share your burden's, your bazinga moments and your life.
Every relationship has up and downs, best friends share them, work through them because
that's what best friends do.
I never knew that day at school when we were 14 that I had meet my soul sister.
We live hundreds of km's apart but I could never imagine my life without her in it.
She has always loved me for me.
Loved me and my stupid ways of madness
My ranting, put me back into line, yelled at me when I was stupid, hugged me when I was sad,
cried with me in my dark moments and laughed when we were drunk.....shit I even let her eat my kebab one drunken night.
These are the one photo's I never judge myself in.  I only see the beauty in them.
Thank you Sammie for being beautiful and bringing the best of me out

I now have the confidence to have my pictures taken front on.
No more hiding behind my huge head or hair.
I don't have to hide the bad food I eat, the lack of exercise or self love anymore.
I have gained so much from being on the 12wbt mind wise it just hurts some days.
Here I was thinking feeding my face and bullshitting to myself was the making of me all.
Man was I dick!
I refuse to take pictures the way I use to. 
I don't have to hide anymore.

Life is beautiful, its full of colour and happiness

Be brave and be true to yourself.

Sunday, February 24, 2013


Its mad I tell you MAD!!!

I swore black and blue that I would NEVER keep a food journal.  
What for, I didn't need reminding of what I ate. 
Pfftt that shit is for wankers who want to are anal intentive.
Well blow me!  After this week, I think I may just become one!

I totally under estimated the power its given me.
For the entire week I wrote down exactly what I ate, drank and exercised.
I was honest with myself the entire time.  I have to say to write down that I had a sweet chilli wrap from MacDonald's made me feel shit, even worse when I wrote down that I had fries with it.  They were the absolutely tasteless and covered with salt, which Ive gotta say, I think is MacDonald's magic ploy!  Salt makes just about anything taste good, perhaps they have brain washing drugs laced in it?? Who knows.
I inhaled it so quickly that it didn't even register until I was back home, sitting on the loo clutching my sore tummy.

Instead of concentrating on the 'bad' foods 
I have decided to concentrate on the 'great' foods I ate instead

In the last 7 days I have consumed

8 x 600ml bottle of water 
37 x 200ml glasses of water

1kg of grapes
5  x apples
3 banana's
sushi 4 times 
5 tins of tuna
beef 3 times
chicken once
500 grams of Greek yogurt
1L of milk
Lots of salad including mixed lettuce, baby spinach leaves, grated beetroot and prunes

ohhh and add to that the 58km's I walked to make me feel good #smiley face

One thing the Michelle Bridges program has given me is confidence in cooking healthy food.
The site has a calorie counter that can help guide you with choices and it gives you great tips on what goes with this and that.
I am having a ball experimenting and for once in my life I'm playing with my food in a good way.  Ive even changed my German mum's thoughts on her traditional food's and she's opting and looking for healthier alternatives...shit she's managed to lose 15kg's in the same time I have...know how bloody proud I am off her!! 

Anyway here are some of the goodies Ive eaten this week, Ive become a bit of a food snapper, instagram whore with it all...if it tastes good and is good, why not share it I say

My yummy smoked tuna, baby spinach and grated beetroot corn wrap.
Ive become addicted to beetroot over the last few weeks.  I needed a change from grated carrot.
I find to that beetroot is nice and sweet so it kind of helps eliminate those sweet cravings.
I don't cook it, its raw, just peeled and grated quiet large.  Its filling and helps boost your iron, is a great blood booster and is considered great for detoxing the bad from your system.
Now before you screw your nose up and say ewww beetroot raw... try it.  

After reading my notes for the week I'm surprised I haven't turned into sushi.
4 times in 1 week....MAN!!! addicted much *giggle*
I really do love it.
Nori is a fantastic source of B-12 and had a high count of protein.
top that off with come cucumber, avocado and salmon and.....

Need I say more

And of my mixed salad.
Mixed green salad, baby Roma tomatoes, continental cucumber
avocado, sunflower seeds, pelota, pitted prunes and shredded chicken.
Ive only just discovered pitted prunes after going out for lunch with some friends last week.
I was hesitant when I ordered the salad because Ive never had them before so bite the bullet.
My god I felt like an explosion of flavours were tangoing in my mouth.
I had to have them, I had to get me some prunes.  They have more beneficial antioxidants than any other fruit and if you eat to many of them you become really great friends with the loo  so keep them in moderation.

I did notice a bad feature about my consumption this last week
I defently don't drink  enough water.  I'm hoping that by writing down my intake that I will drink more as its making me more aware.
I have had a few little treats here and there and I have counted them into my calorie intake for the week.
Its all about control and moderation...and if it means becoming anal intentive sign me up

Friday, February 22, 2013

A week of fit me

This is my 4.30am face.
No make up, no brushed hair.
 Eye chunked madness, crusty mouthed me.
This is my morning glory.
My happy face for the day
That's right I am one of those mad bitches who gets herself out of bed at 4.30am every morning just to get up, spend a few hours in the fresh air so I can move my arse.
No I don't climb mountains, run marathon's or do 1000 burpee's.

I walk 9km's most morning's and have this spectacular view of the morning waking up
Sometimes, if my knee let's me, I run from one light post to the other and rotate it with a brisk walk to the next one.  I remember when I started, I couldn't make it half way between light I can run 1km.
I love feeling the blood pump through my hands, stopping them from swelling.  Feeling my body become alive with each foot step that reaches the ground.
Listening to my heart pounding a rhythm of awareness and self satisfaction in my ears
and breathing life into my lungs.

I don't go to the gym.
I use what I have at home to do the best for me.
My coffee table becomes my bench.  
I do crunches, back squats, running jumps with its help.
My 4L tomato sauce bottles are my weights, 
filled with water and sloshing with each back reach I do.
I started doing 10 and falling in a I can push myself to do 50.

I've just been introduced to the pleasure of DVD's due to a group challenge this week.
These things have NOTHING over the classes I have done.
No need for a complete gym outfit.
Nope sports bra and compression pants at 10 o'clock 
My gunt could sing to its heart content, flopping its heart out without any judgmental eyes peering.
It wasn't attractive, it was messy but seeing my reflection on the picture of my family made me feel like a million dollars.

Will I do it again next week

As much as my body ached for 3 days after the DVD.  My DOM's came up and strangled my limb's letting me know that they were there and needed to be recognised.

What's life without challenges, without feeling a bit of pain.

Here's to rest day I say :) and a beginning of a new week Monday

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Writing a list, checking it twice

I had a mind snap moment today.
Bought a hot chicken to cool down and cut up so we can top pizza's tonight (home made takeaway night)...anyway started pulling the chicken apart and before I knew it some of that juicing skin was in my mouth, swirling around and romancing my taste buds.
Shit, I totally twigged to one of my cover up acts.
I use to pull the chicken apart so I could disguise how much of it I use to eat sneakily.
How often did I do that?  I cant even remember how far back to when it started.
Shit, if I did it with this what else did I sneak in?  What else did i just put into my mouth and cover up?

The double quarter pounder x 2 that I would buy on my way home from shopping and inhale the 10km's home because I wouldn't have time to eat when we got there.
2  double quarter pounders...FUCK~ 724cal's FOR ONE!!  They were a 'snack'...washed down it a large coke...another 310 cal's

1758 calories for a snack

That's almost a day and a half worth of my  food intake in calories now.

So why the brain snap.
Since Monday I have been writing down everything I eat and drink.  Its amazing how hard it is to write down what you eat and what it looks like down on paper.  Eat something shit and you hesitate to put pen to paper but you slap yourself in the head a few times and do it.  Its about being honest with yourself.  No one can save you or help you but you.  If you lie well your a dick cause your digging that black hole of dispair and self loath even deeper.

I'm finding its helping me make better choices with what I cook and eat cause I'm scared that someone, anyone is going to break in, go look at my list and say look at what shit this bitch eats.  I realise that that's not going to happen but I think I have to give myself that form of mental torture to keep going.
I want to be held accountable for what i eat and see if there are area's that I need to fix..I already realise that I don't drink half as much as I should and battle every day with drinking atleast 2L of water.  I thought it would be easier when I gave up coffee but its not.  My taste bud's have kicked in big time and food has become magic and sensational now.  Absolutely love the tingling feeling in your mouth when something utterly devine is eaten.  Example, I went out for lunch yesterday with some great friends and had a warm Moroccan beef salad with prunes, cashews and cumin seeds in it...OMG it was like my taste buds were having sex with my food in my mouth.  There was no high sugared drink washing away all the freshness of it all....nope just my taste buds and food tangoing.

I'm up to day 4 of writing down my consumption...its been a big eye opener so far.  I'll continue to do it until next weigh in and reflect back on it then.  Let's see what next week brings then shall we.


Monday, February 18, 2013

Mad Cowing it for my boy's

Everyone has their struggles. 
Their black days.
 Moments that you wish would just stop and rewind themselves.   
Things in life that we cant control.

When I fell pregnant with my second eldest I knew that I was carrying a special child.
Not just due to the lack of movement of my belly baby or the way I carried differently.
Something in me just told me that my baby was special.

I'll never forget the day he was born.
He had perfect skin, covered in a fine peachy fuzz and beautiful strawberry blonde hair.
He was so quiet, not saying a peep.  I let the sunlight bath him through the window and I swear he smiled there on his first day.  
He never liked  being picked up, he much preferred laying there, looking about the new world that was   exploding abut him. He seemed to take it in his stride
one day it cracked.
He began screaming all day and not sleeping at night.
He wouldnt look at me, rather concentrating on the wheels on his car spinning around and around for hours at a time.
There was no point trying to have a conversation with him.  He would only repeat the words you spoke.
I had far more success in gaining his eyes and searching them for his needs.
We had a non verbal way of communicating with my lap and my arms being his means of happiness.

At 2 years of age I took my special guy to my doctor and begged for a referral.
At 3 years old my special guy could read any word you put infront of him, spill out any web address you wanted and wrote like a 10 year old.  His drawing were spectacular and well beyond his years.
He was sitting in the lounge, rocking infront of the tv one day (aged 4) and simply stopped rocking to look at me and to say
I love you mum.
That day will remain one of the most happiest days of my life.

Yes, I am the proud mum of a very special guy.
His name is Wilhelm - he's 11 and autisim maybe part of his lifes but he wont let it rule it.

ASD has decided that another one of my children is special enough to have it present in his life.
Mateauz has just turned 5 and presents with aspergers aswell as having mild Cerebal Palsy.
I need about a week to blog about him.

This March long weekend Im biting the bullet.
After speaking to my hubby about doing the local Mad Cow - mini Tuff Mudder run Wilhelm walked out and said 
Mum you can do it, I believe in you.
I wasnt just doing this for me anymore, I was doing it for him.

Deciding with the girls to represent causes and associations we beleive in at the cow run
I decided to represent  Autism Spectrum Australia  and hope and pray to get donations up to $400 together for them.
My way of saying thank you for the help, guidance and sometimes shoulder that mum's like me need on our black days.
There are so many therapies, not just by the professional's that our kid's and families need that just arent funded.  Most families cant afford the mountain of money thats required for some of it.
So please, if you have a spare $2 please donate it to a wonderful organisation that helps families when they most need it. 

Wilhelm rocking his stuff out at a school concert          and                           my beautiful Mateauz

Mad Cow Run is held the long weekend in March (10th)
Mad Cow Run 2013 for more info

Sunday, February 17, 2013

22kg's heavier 22kg's stronger

The eve before my 38th birthday 
I wanted to do something spectacular

Something to help me reflect on my progress and to remember where I came from.
I had at this point lost 30kg's (I've put a few back on since) and wanted to remember, physically as much as I could what that felt like.  I wanted to be able to feel how hard it was for me to work and be grateful for how much I had achieved in the past 14 months.   I get so caught up in eating correctly and getting my cal's burnt for the day that I sometimes forget how much I put in when I first changed.
How much my back hurt, how much I would sweat, how my heart felt it would explode in my ears and OMG how much my feet KILLED me.
But most of all, to feel that satisfaction of knowing that, yes I was 130 kg's and I got up, no matter what the weather was, no matter how disheartened I felt at my wednesday weigh in, no matter how much I didn't want to I just got off my arse and bloody did it!!
I hatched a plan.
I would gather supplies and pack a back pack as full as I could to get me as close as I could to 30kg's.
I would then put said back pack on and walk my 6.5km's, the same 6.5km's I walked when I started.

In my wisdom and without any actual weights, I searched the web and found out that 1kg is equivalent to 1L of fluid :)
Radding of the pantry commenced.
My weights for project spectacular were
3 x 4L tomato sauce bottles
2 x 2L sauce bottle
2 x 500ml sauce bottle
3 x 1L cordial bottles
total - 20L - 20kg's
I wanted to get more BUT my poor backpack couldn't hold anymore bottles
20kg's it would have to be

I was so excited that friday night...I had everything ready 
My husband thought I was completely nuts but then said that's just one of my traits.
I think he was more worried about me falling and hurting myself again more then anything.

4.55am my alarm beeped and I was up and rearing to go
I must admit, it was a struggle to put the back pack on. 
Walking down to the corner where I meet my walking partner knocked me for a six
I really didn't understand how heavy and draining it would be....well there was no backing out.
I was doing this no matter what.

Did I forget to mention I had 2kg worth of foot weights on.
Holly cow, it was only 2kg's but i was amazing. My feet felt so heavy from them.
No wonder I have lost a shoe size. 

This was a pit stop, 3.5km mark up on the high way.
I was knacked to say the least.
My back was sore, my legs ached and my shoulders felt like they would dislocate.
BUT I kept going....I said I was going to do it
Originally I wanted to walk the entire 2 lap's (which is approx 13km's) with the backpack on.
I honestly don't think I could of lasted that long.  my body was screaming for the weight to come of and My legs were travelling as fast as they could to get me to home to drop off the bag.
That feeling, when the bag comes off..well its almost organismic!  
Its amazing how light and floaty you a bird spreading its wings.
When that bag came of my back, a little of the old me came off to.  
I felt clearer, cleansed almost.
Its taken me some time to post since then because of what was going on in my head.
So many wall's have been knocked down and big paddocks of lovely grass and daisy's have been establish in those two weeks.
Its a sorrel feeling...tranquil and almost to good to be true.
I never thought that by going back to the old me, even for an hour I would have a light bulb moment.
The weight in my soul was free too.

After dropping the bag back home my walking buddy and I then traipsed on to walk a further 7.5km's together.

This is me not long after we went our own ways, she to her home and me to mine.
Looking at my fitness pal I noticed that I was 500m away from walking 15km's.
By this stage my feet were screaming at me for a soak, my legs had gone numb back some 5 km's ago and my toiletry need's had kicked in.
I passed my street entrance
100m past it...hello.....bad tummy ache and lots of natural gases letting me know that a potty will be needed sooner rather then later.

I was NOT turning back!
That  turtle just had to keep its bloody head up there and let me finish what I was doing!

After 3.10 hours
I walked 15.41km's - 6.5km's of that with an extra 22kg's on
I made it home
Sat on the loo and couldn't get off for 10 mins while the shaking and jelly feeling in my legs stopped
I did it!!!

The experience was helped me no end.
Ive proved to myself that 

I am capable

I am fit

I am strong

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Im a winner

2 blog post's in one day!!!!!
It must be something special

Isn't this every kid's dream? 
I saved my buttox off for it a few years ago so I could get it.  
They've had hours of fun, screaming, squelling and fighting to see who gets up first and who comes down the quickest.

For the first time since we have had it

I managed to get up the ladder section without making the entire structure collapse due to my weight.
Jed did hold the back of it up as precaution (nice to have over protective hubby) and because he remember's how bad it went down last year when I tried

I got not just my body around but my leg with my kaput knee not hurting.
2 big thumbs up from me not just for being up there without breaking the dame thing.
 I had room on either side of my butt AND I wasnt shitting myself cause of the height factor.
Yes I use to be scared of height's until I did the Sydney Harbour Bridge climb back in November last year.  Now.. heights pfffft bring it on!!!!

I did it.
All the while my kid's cheering and clapping in excitment!
Mum you are so much it again.
So I did - 5 times

Then it was my turn to cheer them on.
Ive had such an awesome day.
I cant take the smile from my face.
My kid's are happy that mum can come and do fun thing's with them.

And I feel like Ive won lotto.
Life is great
Live it with love

The Judging eye

I'm sitting here, right now, watching my pre teenage inhale a bowl of tubes snacks.  
Now while I know its not healthy food, I'm trying to teach my kids a balance....though watching him I'm cringing and thinking shit its not working.  

Am I being narrow minded? Am I being judgemental of my own child because I am only seeing what he is eating now???  

Have I forgotten the meal I prepared for him last night of fresh corn on the cob, freshly peeled pea's and carrots, market bought broccoli and cauliflower and steamed organic chicken breast that he said smelt so good that it made his mouth water while I was cooking it?
What about the litres of water he now drinks instead of cordial or soft drink.  The weetbix he had for breakfast that morning or the salad roll and apple he had for lunch.

Sadly we tend to judge people, including ourselves at what we see in the now. Its human nature to think before we think at times.  
We don't live in each others pockets, eat, shit and sleep with each other 24/7.  

Your going shopping and you see someone, who is overweight, with a trolley like this
what is your first thought?
Yep you know your thinking it.  

What the hell are you doing to yourself?
Keep feeding that fat lady?
And you wonder why your arse is the size it is
No wonder your kid is screaming, your feeding them shit
Feeding your kids that shit to make copies of fat bitch.

Ive hung my head in shame when they were said to me.  Ive held onto the onslaught of tears while I moved that fat arse of mine out of the store to the car park to sit in the car, bawling my self into a packet of chips and a bottle of coke.
My food never spoke to me like that, it was gentle, soothing and gave me warmth from those nasty words.
It was my comfort, my buffer from the bullies who may have been trying to help me in their eyes but they feed food's romantic lure and attracted me to it more with each hurtful comment.

Even now, I am mindful of what gets placed in my trolley.  My fridge is adorned with fresh fruit and vegetables, I seek nature and more organic processed food and yet I still cringe when I see someone looking into my trolley, waiting for the barrage of abuse from the past to be given.

Beating's, injuries, fall's are something we tend to pick our selves up from with great enthusiasm and ease.  We act like we have something to prove and conquer in the process.
Cutting words, know all comments and opinionated advice sink into our soul's and grow roots that even the best tree lopper cant remove.

Some of us brush over this moments, laugh them of, some of us make excuses being dishonest with ourselves in the process.

We're not here to please others BUT words and actions still have huge effects on our mind set.
I work out 6 days out of a week.  I feel like utter crap if I miss one day. That unplanned day off becomes dark and foggy for me. I blame anything and everything on it.  I try to find excuses to why I didn't get out and have my hour or 2 out in the fresh air....and what for?
I'm not pleasing others by saying ahhh I couldn't find the time today, 
I just couldn't get the energy to do it.  
I'm pleasing myself. 
 I am judging what I think others will think and replacing the food comfort with lying comfort.  
Why not be honest and say I couldn't be fucked?  I get embarrassed when people see how big I am when I'm trying to do my thing and what their reaction will be.
Ive had car horns beeped at me, shit Ive had shit thrown at me from a travelling car with a chores of laughter BUT I am not going to go back and hide in my deep hole with the black dog.  
I kept my head held high, picked up my pace and kept going.  
I used their negative and turned it into fuel for my fire.  I would show these arse hats that this fat chick is strong and will kick arse.

Life is to short to sit, day after day and judge.
Its depressing.
 Get up, stop the bullshit and get into life.