Saturday, February 16, 2013

The Judging eye

I'm sitting here, right now, watching my pre teenage inhale a bowl of tubes snacks.  
Now while I know its not healthy food, I'm trying to teach my kids a balance....though watching him I'm cringing and thinking shit its not working.  

Am I being narrow minded? Am I being judgemental of my own child because I am only seeing what he is eating now???  

Have I forgotten the meal I prepared for him last night of fresh corn on the cob, freshly peeled pea's and carrots, market bought broccoli and cauliflower and steamed organic chicken breast that he said smelt so good that it made his mouth water while I was cooking it?
What about the litres of water he now drinks instead of cordial or soft drink.  The weetbix he had for breakfast that morning or the salad roll and apple he had for lunch.

Sadly we tend to judge people, including ourselves at what we see in the now. Its human nature to think before we think at times.  
We don't live in each others pockets, eat, shit and sleep with each other 24/7.  

Your going shopping and you see someone, who is overweight, with a trolley like this
what is your first thought?
Yep you know your thinking it.  

What the hell are you doing to yourself?
Keep feeding that fat lady?
And you wonder why your arse is the size it is
No wonder your kid is screaming, your feeding them shit
Feeding your kids that shit to make copies of fat bitch.

Ive hung my head in shame when they were said to me.  Ive held onto the onslaught of tears while I moved that fat arse of mine out of the store to the car park to sit in the car, bawling my self into a packet of chips and a bottle of coke.
My food never spoke to me like that, it was gentle, soothing and gave me warmth from those nasty words.
It was my comfort, my buffer from the bullies who may have been trying to help me in their eyes but they feed food's romantic lure and attracted me to it more with each hurtful comment.

Even now, I am mindful of what gets placed in my trolley.  My fridge is adorned with fresh fruit and vegetables, I seek nature and more organic processed food and yet I still cringe when I see someone looking into my trolley, waiting for the barrage of abuse from the past to be given.

Beating's, injuries, fall's are something we tend to pick our selves up from with great enthusiasm and ease.  We act like we have something to prove and conquer in the process.
Cutting words, know all comments and opinionated advice sink into our soul's and grow roots that even the best tree lopper cant remove.

Some of us brush over this moments, laugh them of, some of us make excuses being dishonest with ourselves in the process.

We're not here to please others BUT words and actions still have huge effects on our mind set.
I work out 6 days out of a week.  I feel like utter crap if I miss one day. That unplanned day off becomes dark and foggy for me. I blame anything and everything on it.  I try to find excuses to why I didn't get out and have my hour or 2 out in the fresh air....and what for?
I'm not pleasing others by saying ahhh I couldn't find the time today, 
I just couldn't get the energy to do it.  
I'm pleasing myself. 
 I am judging what I think others will think and replacing the food comfort with lying comfort.  
Why not be honest and say I couldn't be fucked?  I get embarrassed when people see how big I am when I'm trying to do my thing and what their reaction will be.
Ive had car horns beeped at me, shit Ive had shit thrown at me from a travelling car with a chores of laughter BUT I am not going to go back and hide in my deep hole with the black dog.  
I kept my head held high, picked up my pace and kept going.  
I used their negative and turned it into fuel for my fire.  I would show these arse hats that this fat chick is strong and will kick arse.

Life is to short to sit, day after day and judge.
Its depressing.
 Get up, stop the bullshit and get into life.

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