The wagon

I'll start this post with a warning

I may upset a few people by what I'm about to post 

My apologies if I do

xxxMaz

How hard is it to stay on it?

So so many people comment on how they have fallen of the wagon or  getting back on the wagon.  

Its become a catch phrase that seems to have lost means over recent months for me.

Yes I have been guilty of saying it in the past.  Its a cop out for me.

I fucked up this week, back on the wagon I go only to do the same shit 2 weeks later and use the same excuse again - back on the wagon.

Really??!!

Lets be honest we all have bad days and eaters remorse sinks in.

We feel guilty and have to find a reason or blame point anywhere else but to point the finger at ourselves.  The wagon is a great one...it has no feelings, cant voice its opinion or truth to those listening to us. Its our silent allaby.  It feeds our lie bone. We get away with it once, then we try it again and it begins to build those wall's up again that we have been trying so hard to smash down.

Are we substituting our old ways with new excuses?

Don't get me wrong, I screwed up with part of my way to here. I needed to build those parts of me to understand what the hell was going on.  Without falling down there is no way I could comprehend the effort and control I now have.  We need to fall on our arses from time to time to give us a reality check and remember the big picture.

Seeing - I'm back on the wagon - so many people comment well done, great to see you have gotten back into it.  We all see it as such a positive thing. 

Yes it is 

BUT

do we then feed those who are vulnerable to use it as a way out.  

Ive fallen off the wagon

perhaps its a polite way of saying I right royally screwed up big time and now I feel shit.

Why not just say it?

I am in love with those who say it how it is. Those who are honest to say I cant do it help.

That there is honesty my friend's and they are willing to give it their all.  

They look to feed upon guidance and I am only to give what I can to them.

I'm not looking at being favourites with anyone.  This ball game of life is hard enough to deal with, without having sugar coated crap put on a plate for us.

Strength is something that comes from within.  It beats through your heart, flows through your veins and empowers your mind.

Its not easy, its fucking hard to say the least.

Round 3 I said I wouldn't drink for the entire round...I got to week 10 and I became weak.

I could say I fell off the wagon but nope....I got weak and craved in.  I could kick my own arse 100 times over for it.  Instead of dwelling on it I made myself a strategy and will stick with it as I have again  said I will have an alcohol free round.  Again, its not easy but I have things in place so I don't screw it up.  If I can over come it, I will prove to me, no one else, how strong and empowered I am.

THIS is the best gift I can give myself.

Being truthful and accountable to ME. No one else.  

Its scary...omg YES but know what.

What the hell in life isn't?

We don't know unless we let go, open ourselves up for what is to come and brave the fear with guts and   determination.  I wont allow fear to control those parts of my life like I use to.  Life is far to short to live in wonder of what could of been...it should be about celebrating what you have given, no matter how small or big.  The main concern should be if it makes you happy.

Life isn't scary

Its what others feed us to feel that allows us to get scared.

Live it, enjoy it, love it.

xxx