Thursday, March 14, 2013

Hi. Im Maz and Im a food-a-holic

Yep you read right.
Just as I thought I had my shit together, I cave and my addiction comes back.

Now before you go telling me to stop being hard on myself or to cut myself some slack,
think about this..
Would you tell an alcoholic, a drug user or sex addict the same?
Would you tell them that its alright, tomorrow is a new day, we all have slip ups?
I don't need sympathy, I don't want a soft pat on the back or to be wrapped in cotton wool.
Yes I have come far and achieved so much...SO??!!! Am I suppose to just think fuck it, Ive done this, I'll just reward myself a little...

well let me tell you something

Food is an addiction.  I don't give a rats red arse what you think or say!
I am continuously battling within myself not to stuff my face atm.  I am thinking about food from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed.
Food is my drug.
I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.
I eat for the taste, I eat cause I can.
Addiction's come back and slap me and tempt me EVERY FUCKING DAY!

This week alone I feel exhausted. Why?  Because I am mentally fighting myself not to have a huge cook up and stuff it into my body to make me feel shit afterwards.  I love the sensation in my mouth when I'm eating something fabulous, the kick of my taste buds going nuts, the feeling pumping through my body. Hell yeah!

I had a reality CLICK in my head driving home yesterday from Melbourne.  I read so many times people are at their tether in a round at week 4 and included...why? because of the continuous though process we put ourselves through to maintain our new lifestyle. Its bloody exhausting.  Of course its all we think about, we want to be healthy, we're not use to living this way, we don't want to screw it up.
Concentrating to much on being 'good' and smacking ourselves when we slip.  No-one said this shit was easy but when you've had an addiction for most of your adult life, it becomes confronting.  How do we deal with it? We cant eat the craving away anymore.

Don't worry, I didn't cave...much. There is no huge 500gram steak cooking in the fry pan bottles of pepsi max have been bought. I refuse to...I don't want that old life style back.
I am fighting it all the way.  The lure of it whispers to me..I just need to buy some really good ear plugs to drown it out.

I spent some time away with my family this week.  It was so good to sit, laugh and chat with them.  Food was perfect, healthy, fresh (cant get any fresher then father in laws off the vine tomato salad) but my portions were bigger then I normally eat.  I was left alone to my own devices one night and thought how nice a ginger beer would go down.  I poured myself a 3/4 full glass and after the first mouth full I had to tip it down the sink.  I use to love it to death, man I would of bathed in it if I could but now....all I tasted was sugar and it made me feel sick.  Bugger whats happened to me??  I'm so happy that I have taken sugar out of my diet. Tipping the ginger beer down the sink was a huge reward for me.  I promptly sculled 500ml of water to get the taste from my mouth.

In the car on the way home my daughter was telling me that MacDonalds was sometimes food. I asked her how come it was so to which she told me

Its special food because its not really good for our bodies mum.  Can I have an apple now please?

I'm so happy that she realises this at age 6.  It took me until I was in my 30's to realise it.

There is hope for the next generation after all...its up to us to help guide them.

1 comment:

  1. ok the last 4 sentences made me cry. you are a wonderful parent. YOUR.DOING.IT RIGHT ! xxxxx