When do our addictions leave us? are they here to hound us for the rest of our lives....in small YES.
I have always been a binge drinker. I remember as a teenager going to parties, always being the one totally shit faced, drinking myself into darkness. At the time it was to forget how ugly my life was, how ugly I felt I was.
Drinking made me numb.
It took away my pain, made me forget how fucked up my life was.
I grew up at 15 when I moved in with a friend who's family used me as a slave. I then moved in with my boyfriend at the time who's kick was to demoralise me sexually and then not speak to me for days afterwards, killing any happiness that was seeded in me. The street's on Melbourne became my home for a while where I watched people let drugs control their life, had people use me as a urinal as I slept under benches, in doorways. Got kicked and abused for not putting out and stole to feed myself. I then became an unwilling puppet who lived with an abusive sister, after she took me in once she found out about my life style to give me a 'better life'...pffft.
To scared of drugs after witnessing what I did I turned to alcohol. I didn't care what it was, I just wanted that hit, that drink. Looking back now, It was really no different to drugs, I was still killing myself slowly anyway.
I separated from my first 'true love' at age 21 after 4 years of emotional abuse. In that time I didn't drink, he did enough of that for us...my addiction became food. I let it feed my lonely times, it covered up all the nasty silence...it also covered my body and eloped around my bones, giving me comfort and love that I lacked.
Once that relationship end I found alcohol again. I often drank to the point of passing out, waking up, bottle still in hand in a pool of my own spew sometimes. I made bad choices, driving while totally shit face telling myself I was fine only to end up waking up in a table drain, with the car still going. I became loud and abusive when I snapped. Moody the next day while my body was coming out of its drinking coma.
I praise my husband for what he did for me with out knowing. He showed me there was more to my life, there was life with colour, love without sadness, comfort without substitutes. For years I was clean and living the life I always thought princesses had.
Until our second child was born and autism was diagnosed. Food became my friend again....allowing me to explode my emotions out without asking for help. Things improved and food took a back seat until when our last baby almost died within the first few weeks of his life and received a diagnoses for cerebral palsy my world crumbed. I remember being in the hospital when he was born (his birth was already very scary) feeling alone. I wanted to scream but when I opened my mouth no noise came out. One of my close friends who I though would of been there for me wasn't. I felt so let down and upset that she couldn't be there for me, it hurt my heart. She was there, at the hospital every day but she was busy seeing her other close friend who had a perfect baby the same day. No Ive never told her and I don't know why..it doesn't matter now anyway, our lives are completely different now, we've both moved forward into positive paths.
While I didn't turn to alcohol I turned to food, yet again. Same friend came to my babies first birthday and told me she couldn't get over how big I was. Knife to the heart.
Fast forward to last year...man what a year. Full of alot of ups and downs. I really struggled with the downs. Trying to cope with a 4 year old who was non verbal, aggressive, physically and mentally. A 10 year old coping with his own mental stability, a pre high school with attitude and a little princess of 5 trying so hard to fit in to her own skin. I took control of my eating addiction finally BUT because I didn't have that help from it when I was down, I let alcohol sneak in again. You don't have to drink to oblivion. One glass is all it takes to start...it breeds from there and soon before you know it, its there every night, luring you for more. My habit was forming again, I was replacing my food addiction with alcohol fill its shoes.
Wake up call for me....Sydney finale party. I drank beer like it was water. I don't drink beer! I don't even like it...why did I drink it? because I wanted to feed my habit...I needed my fix and beer was there, it was free and I could drink and drink. I ended up shit faced. I woke the next day, not happy with my self..how much of an arse did I make of myself again?
That sunday, after speaking to Ruth I decided no more! No more replacing one addiction with another.
No more will I be the girl in all the pictures with a glass of grog in hand. No more empty bottle and glass pictures gloating and covering up how shit I really felt about how much I polished off again.
That day was 18th of November 2012
I have been clean for 140 days.
I survived Christmas, around my family who offered me wine and drank it in abundance.
I went to bed at 10pm New Years Eve while my husband drank his scotch into the New Year.
I celebrated my 38th birthday with lunch and the girls. I drank a glass of diet coke while they all had wine.
Its not easy, every day is hard but I'm doing it.
In 4 weeks time I will be attending the MB12wbt finale. There will be wine and beer in abundance.
My willpower will be pushed to its limits...the smell alone will probably me into a mind frenzy of torture.
My anxiety levels atm are extremely high about it all.
I will try to be strong.
That's all I can promise