Its been along time since we spoke to each other. Last words you spoke to me were at J's funeral when you hissed with venom ' who's the loser now? '
Sadly its the last memory I have of you and its one I would love to not have. Hatred comes easy to you, bitter resentment, jealous hearted and hurt flow speedily through you and it lashes out to those who have cared to give you a bit of their love.
Remember that time, when I was 4 and mum told you to bath me...remember? you were 14 and thought it was funny as hell to hold me head under water....the entire time I was screaming for air but all I could hear was your laughter. I can still feel my eyes bulging while my lungs were straining for air and sadly I still hear that horrid laugh of yours.
You always made a point of pointing out other woman and asking if you were fat or ugly like them. I have no idea why you were always so hooked up on comparing yourself to others. I always thought you were perfect the way you were. Others thought the same, the loved you, took you in their arms but your horrid ways steps in, destroying any forms of friendship and love that were built around you.
My pre teenage years were awkward enough without you trying to get your own children hurting me, brainwashing them with your bullshit and allowing them to lash out at me aswell. Setting it up that I was the one who would cope the rath of dad's hand and watch you and your eldest daughter smirk happily that it was done, time and time again.
Living with you at 16 should of been the best time in my life. Instead you beat me stupidly infront of your daughters because you wanted me to go shop lifting with you. I'm sorry that I had friends that wanted me to hang out with them at the pool on a 36degree's day instead of wearing a huge woollen jumper to thieve food from shops. I have no idea what you did with the $200 a fortnight of my $220 Austudy you demanded from me..I was to scared to ask in case I received another beating from you. Belittling me infront of your male friends, and parading me at the local pub for you to catch a man became your next trick. All was good until I wear a dress that just covered my snatch and the attention was on me more then you liked.
Who introduced me to drugs and binge drinking? Yes it was cool at 16...looking back now you were stupid, immature and a crap role model. You were meant to nurture me, protect me and help me grow...instead you cut me down, poisoned me and drove me to my lowest point. Shit I was in hospital and you didn't even pick me up after I was discharged, no my best friends mum did. Do you realise how many times I wanted to end my life because of you? You killed part of me so many times that doing it myself one final time was an escape. Sadly the one time I tried a friend of mine saved me. Again, you weren't there.
Watching you set upon your own daughter who was aged 6 should of set me off.....but I again was to scared to speak out. Hearing the thud of her hit the wall followed by her holding back the scream that was in her throat chilled me. The glint in your eyes and the hatred in your voice to your own child still haunts me to this day. For fuck sake, she was a little girl excited because she thought she heard the Easter bunny. How was she to know it was you setting it up? How you kept your children from DOC's I will never know. You always made sure they had the newest toys, a wardrobe full of pretty clothing and that they were always clean. Doc's were onto you but you always dodged the bullet. Sadly they didn't know that the toys were stolen, that the clothes came from other peoples clothes lines and charity bins. My god you left them alone at night, in their beds so you could go to the pub!
I thought once I got older things would change but belittling my husband, being jealous of me because I had a good career and starting my own family got to much for you. No sister dearest..I never once 'rubbed' my house into your face. All I wanted was for you to be proud of me, be excited for the new and wonderful things that were to come but instead you demanded my time, got jealous of my husband and tried to put wall's up in my relationship's with our other siblings and worst of all, our parents.
You weren't always evil. There was love in your heart at times. We would sit and watch a chick flick, both crying together and then burst into laughter.
Take road trips in the middle of the night to fuck knows where and get pulled over by the police in our pj's in the process.
And you could sing....I loved listening to you sing. You face would light up, your eyes would twinkle magically and your heart was happy. There was no madness in your voice, no anger just pure happiness.
I suppose what I really want to say to you is thank you.
Thank you for teaching me to belittle myself, seek comfort in food, alcohol and depression all those years ago. Without going through all that, I wouldn't of gotten to the point of breaking, being that fat ugly girl you use to point out to me and finally, finding the person I am today, with the help love and support of my wanker husband and dickhead using friends.
Thank you for showing me that being a nasty mother isn't the mother I ever want to be. Respecting my children, loving them and growing with them is much more comforting then making the punch the living shit out of each other.
Thank you for hurting me in more ways then I have mentioned here. You know exactly what I'm talking about at this point. Whilst I wasn't born the with the silver spoon in my mouth as you so think, I have worked fucking hard for what I have accomplished in my life and even harder to find my true self in the last 2 years.
Lastly....after all that, after all the pain, the sadness and nastiness.
I truly still do miss you like you wouldn't believe.
Your little sister