Monday, May 28, 2012

Pavement thinking's

What else do you do when you are zoned into your session?  think...over think and think some more.

A recent post on a facebook support page I'm part of got me thinking this morning.  This lady commented how wonderful it was to be able to get on a miniature train with her son as she hadn't been able to in the past due to her size.  I had tear's of happiness and a smile from ear to ear when I read it.  Its every mum's dream, to participate in fun things with their children and she had done it...with all her hard work she did it!

I remember how humiliated I felt years ago when we had a family holiday to the Gold Coast.  My daughter, my ONLY daughter wanted to go on all the princess of course I did the mum thing and got on with her.  I barely fit into the tea cup and saucer.  The centre wheel dug deep into my tummy, making it uncomfortable,  As the ride began I could feel the wheel turning and digging in even more to my fat roll.  I felt like everyone was looking at me and cringed when the photo's were taken.  My embarrassment, my humiliation of being a fat lady was forever remembered.  Pictures and me don't mix....I feel like my fat is coming out of the picture, slapping my stupidly in the face and teasing me ner ner I'm here and there's nothing you can do about me

Gold coast 2009

Last year I was invited to my high school reunion.
I made excuses to not go....the children and hubby working being them.
Honestly was my shame of being a fat woman that kept me from going.  I was to ashamed in how big I had become.  In high school I was thin, wore make up, wore the best clothes.
Last year I wore size 26 tops that fit me snug, make up couldn't hide the puffy face and thin...pfft that was a chip wasn't it.  I didn't want people laughing about how one of the popular girls had gotten the size of an elephant, you know cause popular girls had it all coming to them.
My weight and self esteem got in the way of me seeing people I had hung out with 20 years ago. the night of the reunion I sat here, devouring Macca's and crying into my chips.
Being fat was ruling my life.  It was placing wall's up to fence out people in fear.
How do we get over it? How do we bulldoze the wall? 
Ive spoken to friends in the past about my weight, suppose I was trying to reach out.  When I told them how much I weighed I often got told I didn't look that BIG..  Were my friends blind?  didn't they see the rolls, my fat neck, my legs that rubbed together, my chubby fingers that had my rings cutting into them?

This lady isn't going to be that fat lady any more!
Every morning when my feet take a step, its another step away from the person that was.
No more feeling ashamed and uncomfortable about getting my picture taken.


1 comment:

  1. Oh Maz how I admire you. You are one amazing woman and I got that, like a wonderful smack to the face, the moment I first connected with you through cyberspace.

    I am wanting to meet you IRL more than you know. So please let us not miss each other this October in Melbourne. Or I will hunt you down and hug you.

    Chin up. Pat yourself on the bag for the most amazing job. xxx