Thursday, December 5, 2013

When no food is worse than bad food

The last 2 weeks have been a blur for me.  I sadly put my life, yet again on the back burner, putting everyone and thing first.  Arranging a funeral, flowers, a wake, my dad's paper work, getting things in order for mum, trying to comfort my children, work and trying to keep my shit together haven't been easy.
Sitting at my dad's service, my legs shaking inside and my face a blank wall, all I could think about was how the hell am I going to go forward and complete my 10km walk.

How can I get up, move my butt and do it knowing I wont be able to tell him I did it.

How can I get excited when I wont be able to hear how happy he was that I did it?

Yes stupid things to think of while dad's eulogy was being read out.

I am so grateful to those friends who have messaged me, thought of me and kept me somewhat sane.  Its hard to talk about dad to others.  I just want to scream,  curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.  I don't know when my feeling will return to normal or my mind will be able to process the last time I saw him.  Watching a man who was always strong, humble and independent crumble and die right before your eyes is something I will never forget.

The last 2 weeks Ive found myself slipping into those horrid old habits of mine.  Not eating , let alone drinking until later in the afternoon only to find myself stuffing my face in a blind fury.  Soft drink allowed itself to be tasty again, fried foods danced on my taste buds and my quanties became enough to feed a family of 4.  Exhaustion grabbed hold of me and my waking hours were dreaming about sleeping.  Sleeping hours were spent thinking about the what ifs and before I knew it dawn was up and I was trapped into the body says no mindset.

Wednesday's weigh in saw me right back to 115kg's.  What the fucking hell!!!

Wednesday's weigh in was the slap in the face I needed to wake up.

Down the sink I poured 6L of soft drink.

I bought my wheelie bin inside and emptied the SHIT yes SHIT food into it.  Fuck it, let the bin get fat.

Although I haven't gotten my arse back onto the footpath, I slept last night with the thanks of some sleeping tablets.  I woke this morning and felt different, awake for once.  My migraine of 4 days has finally gone and I'm taking the time today to do some cleaning, something I just haven't had the energy for.

Sunday I'll be walking the street's of St Kilda for the Sussan Women's Fun run.  Its going to be bittersweet for me but I'm going to plough through it with an awesome friend by my side and my dad in my heart.

Here's back to clean eating, water drinking and moving myself again.


  1. Talk to him anyway Maz, he's gonna be beside you every step of the way whether you realise it or not. It's not easy to lose them, and sometimes it's harder to remember them because the space they left hurts so much. You'll be okay, it just takes time. Be kind to yourself.

    love and hugs
    Annie xox

  2. I'm with Annie, he will listen, and you will feel better. Write him letters and stash them away, treat it like a blog, come back to them down the track when you feel you can. Christmas will also be hard but you will make it through it and you will continue to be the strong person you are. Don't give up on anything. he was so proud of you, he wouldn't have done what he did with his weight if he wasn't.
    Hugs to you xxx