Saturday, November 23, 2013

Blue eyes forever more

Driving home today it hit me.

I'll never see your blue eyes twinkling at me.  I'll never hear you speak my name again in your thick German accent or feel the prickle of your beard on my face and shoulder as you hug me.
Instead, every time I close my eyes, I see the shock in yours and the bewildered look in your face as you silently left us.

To see your body so limp and defenceless, laying on the hospital bed was not the body of my dad.  You were always so strong, jumping up in a flash without hesitation yet here laid a man, thin, gaunt...broken.

We surrounded you, mum holding onto you, kissing your face. Us kids standing, touching you where we could so you knew we were there.  Your last moments were spent with us all, no mention of goodbye ever said.  Just love and smiles to comfort you to the end.
I massaged your feet and hands, feeling how cold they were, knowing nothing could help.  I felt so utterly helpless, watching you, frightened, fighting like hell right until you caught your last breath.

Your grandkids hugged you, kissed you and  cried. They knew how special and wonderful their Opa is and knew you just weren't right.

You knew to didn't you.  Knew for quiet a while.  I'll never forget when we went to Melbourne, when you said you were going to change your life.....but you knew then, I know you did.  You spent the last 6 months rectifying things, putting them into place .  You said you took strength from me when you went on your weight lose journey. You were proud of me for changing my life.  I took strength from you for always being so strong in everything you did.  You were always a determined man, nothing got in your way when you had your mind set to it......something that Jed always says rubbed off on me.

Right now though Papa, I really need your strength, god help me I don't know how I am going to cope not having you hear when I need to hear how shit really fall's!  I need your wisdom, your thoughts...shit me Papa I need you.

I had to go through some of your thing's today with mum. I know you wouldn't of given a shit but I felt like I was invading your personal space.  Finding mum's presents for Christmas and her birthday just another little tick in the box for you knowing what was happening. Dame you papa...why did you always have to be so dame organised!!!
Writing your Eulogy has come easier then I thought. I just hope I do your proud with how I worded it.

I found your favourite aftershave, placed it with the clothing to take to the undertaker tomorrow. Klaus got your harley boots out and cleaned them up. We even got your favourite hat aswell and those dame friggen false teeth you got fitted jsutthe day before you left us.

Mum's requested 55 roses for your for every year you were married. You always treated her like a Queen, always loved her, cherished her.  Papa, I promise you, I'll look after mum now. I'll be there for her when she needs me, shit I might even have to go to bloody bingo with her (you know exactly how much that excites me NOT)

Thank you dad, for loving my babies. For being proud of them for being the little people they are. Thank you for excepting how different they were. They loved you unconditionally you know.

Nikolaus is sad he couldn't come to you in hospital, he was to scared he would hurt you if he touched you. Wilhelm has been know how things hit him 24 hours after the fact. He loved how you kept pushing the face mask off your face in disgust and loved that you reached out for him and held him.
Vyolett cant speak your name without crying. She's gone and pulled her gems out that you gave her last year cause they are magic and link her to you. Mateauz keeps telling me opa is in hospital but he died...why isn't opa coming home.

Thank you dad, for putting up with me in my fucked up teenage years. I know we had some serious shit happen then that we overcame. Thank you for always supporting me in all my adventures. You were my main person of support when I first starting maz-a-licious and were proud as hell when my business took off...thank you also for letting me know when to back away from it while it took over my life.

Thank you for excepting Jed into our family and loving him like he was your own son. He respected you immensely and loved you even more.

And I promise you, that I will continue to be healthy, to keep living a life worth living, exercise every day.

My next funrun is on the 8th of December - 10km's and the entire time your going to be there with me.

I love you papa.xx


  1. Beautiful Maz, so sorry for your loss - you're connection was amazing and something for you to hold in your heart for your years to come. **big cyber hugs for you and your family**

  2. Sending strength, love and hugs your way Maz!
    Beautifully worded gorgeous girl. xxx
    I'm so sorry for your loss :-(

  3. darling Maz - losing your Dad is such a tough time - and I know too that pain. He will always be there in your memory, in your thoughts, popping into your heart when you least expect it. Sometimes the pain will be so unbearablle that you will weep, and other times it will be a tug that reminds you he is near. I know that you have a hard day ahead as you say goodbye in fromt of your Dads friends and family, you will speak with love and loss - you will feel the words you speak and talk about his love and achievements. What I learnt through the pain was that our departed ones never leave us really - while they are in our memories they are there with us. Hold on Maz - your Dad is so very proud of you. Hugs for tomorrow

  4. Ah Maz, thinking of you as you go through this difficult time. Remember your dad is always living in you. He's a part of you and will never die in spirit.