Monday, May 13, 2013

What goes up...must come crashing down

Yes Ive been not like me.  I feel like a part of me has died and I'm in mourning at the moment.  I try to go into the forum, the groups and comment but my heart is breaking and I don't have words to speak.
Whats wrong with me you ask

I am having major post finale blues.

The weekend is such a blur of excitement, happiness and fun that when you get home you suddenly remember, shit this is what my life is really about.  Back to the school lunches, making sure everyone has a uniform clean and fresh for the new school day.  Back to having the 5 year old scream and hit out at you because he is frustrated.  Having your 11 year old cry at the drop of a hat cause you fucked his routine by not being there to make the weekend run smooth for him.  Moody pre teenager grunting at you and a little girl who is talking 100 miles an hour, over joyed that her mama is back to cuddle her to sleep.

I cant even go into depth of the shit that was in my head over the weekend.  I pushed aside all the negative and really enjoyed my time with my friends.  I made loads of new ones, saw sides of others that I never have before and reopened my eyes to others.  I have walked away from it knowing that I no longer care what others think...I no longer want to be part of the vicious circle of hatred that can brew.  Nope - what goes on with others can just stay there...I don't want part of it anymore.  We're all here  on this earth to do the best we can...and yep we're gonna piss people off in the process, I know I be it.  Fuck the haters, fuck the people who don't get us..who has time for them?  I'm tired of over thinking,  trying to keep the calm...nope, cant be arsed anymore.  I have enough issues to deal with in my personal life then to have that on board.  Don't go PMing me either, I'm not interested in having to explain what I think and feel.  If you think this is about you, well sorry you have the guilt's but build a bridge, get over it.  I'm building mine right now and its made of very strong steel. goes on and it should be up all the time...atm no its not.

First thing monday I got back into my PT I love them, possibly not the cold 5am morning but I love my PT and my training buddy.  I have discovered planks and I are not friend.  They fucking hurt!!! I swear I had major DOM's in my back, I was so sore wednesday, went to do my dead lifts and BANG back pulled really bad.  I dropped the weights pronto and my PT made me stretch out straight away.  I swear this is what saved my hurt but not as much as I could of.  I've had to take friday and monday's sessions off and no work saturday because of the pain.  Sunday was the mothers day classic.  I drugged myself up with pain killers and volteran just so I could do  it with my little girl.  Yep, my 6 year old begged me to do it with her. How could I let her down?

Yes - sunday morning came and we both did the Mothers Day Classic in Shepparton.

Excitedly she got me to write Oma's name on her honour slip because Oma is a breast cancer survivor and she's a hero (Vy's words)

She insisted on wearing my 12WBT hat cause Michelle is her hero as well cause she helped make  mum better.

Vyolett was ubber excited to do the warm up exercises and even more excited when the race began.

I am so so proud of my little Vyolett.  After suffering bad back pain and wearing a brace for 4 weeks, my little girl ran 2km's of the 4km course, right by my side.  I cant tell you how much my heart smiled, shit even writing this I'm tearing up with pride.  For 40 min's I forgot how sore my back was, forgot how much it pinched....for 40 min's my little girl and I ran, walked, laughed and talked while holding hands.  I couldn't have asked for a better Mothers day present ever.

Sadly Vyolett was heart broken that she didnt receive a medal after completing her race.
After saying something in the wonderful 30 plus group Julie sent a message to Rebecca who was working at the MDC in Melbourne and managed to get not just one for Vy but one for me.

Word's cant express how thankful I am to you both for going out of your way to make Vyolett so happy.  Its selfless act's like your own that give light and love to each day to many people.  Thank you.

Tomorrow is wednesday, first weigh in for this new round.  I have my doubts that Ive managed to lose any weight since starting.  My body aches for me to get up and go for a work out....I'm hanging to get back into it tomorrow, easily of course but I'm back there.  I need to lift this fog..this head space isn't healthy and its twisting my control muscle.

For today though, I am working on my inspiration board (with a difference - what else did you expect) getting my shit back together and kicking my own arse very hard.

First things first, I have a new 'yellow dress'  I bought it last round, its tight, holly hell my boobs are strangling me but its going to be my new goal dress.

 So here to make myself accountable, are my first pics of it....I  feel like a look like a really bad Los Vegas hooker in it...its unattractive but my goal is for this to fit me nicely without the ripples and dimples that come with it.

Bring on the next 12 more downs....only ups peep's.


  1. You and Vy are rockstars!!! But that isn't any new information :) good on you for doing it even though you were sore, and lets face it, most mums don't want to go for a run on MOTHERS DAY!!!! You are awesome. And fuck the negative people. And hey, as I always say to people, you are entitled to feel down! You're human. No one can be totally happy and never ever feel sad or upset, 100% of the time! Instead of being annoyed or upset because you're feeling lousy, embrace it :) We all have the right to have a "day off" and just feel blergh.

  2. love you Maz - always tell it like it is - we wouldn't have you any other way

  3. Maz,

    The fog you are wading through is normal. That is exactly how I was for the entire next round after being on stage and winning. Just do me a favour, bust your arse to snap out of it. I am not talking physically because I know you will still do the work, but it is mentally that you need to escape it. This is the true test, which I am confident you can smash. I was still sticking to the program, doing the work and eating the food, but it was not as gung ho as my first round. If you need a chat, you know where I am but as a strong person I am backing you to blow this round apart.

    Reading about yoru little girl almost had me with a tear in my eyes. She can see the work you have put in but even as a 6 year old she understands what 12WBT has given to her mum and her family. As for her wanting to wear the name on her shirt, that is amazing.

    Keep up the good work, chin up and let’s rock and roll. I look forward to catching up for a run some time in Shepp.

  4. Woohoo go Vyolett great work!!!

    I have that dress in blue Maz it was given to me at a 12WBT clothes swap as a potential finale dress. Unfortunately at the time it fit I could not get over my chunky thighs so never wore it. The Red is smokin' hot can't wait to see you wear it in RADelaide.

  5. I really enjoyed the honesty of this post. I don't like to have my bubble burst to think there is any darkness amongst the 12wbt members but it is good to read.

    Love the dress, love the mothers day medals.

    Cass @

  6. Your face in the red dress is classic,
    Kind of like the 'think i can' train.
    Good luck and I hope you can lift the fog and enjoy your round 2