Sitting, thinking in the dark

Yes..Ive been quiet and no its not a good sign.  I tend to go quiet when things fester at me.  I withdraw and dig deep into what is going on inside me head, my body.   Sometimes it can be destroying, sometimes it can be a fan fair.  This time, for me, it was a moment on clarification and direction.

Last round I said no more rounds.  Yet here I am, doing my sixth and LAST round.  Yes I said LAST!
I'm finding its the same ride, over and over again.  The same highs and lows. The same questions asked by others every round....its a ride Id like to get off and allow myself to try and walk straight on my own.  Life is repetitive enough in my household without having my private space invaded by it.

The decision came clear yesterday when I attended my sister in laws baby shower.  Beautiful day, lots of love, laughter and fun had.  Wine was flowing, company was fantastic and food was great.  My mother in law did mention quiet to many times is that what Michelle Bridges would want you to eat  though.  Its one of the reasons I stayed quiet when I first began my weight lose journey.  Whilst she is trying to be positive about it and meaning no malice, having people continuously mentioning it when you are around food is grating.  Shit its hard enough fighting yourself in your own head without having the extra pressure to perform for others.  Mind you, the banana muffins are MB's banana bread recipe and the chicken and leak pies were small versions of the bowl kind MB has in the meal program so healthy GOOD food was plenty.  I did enjoy mentioning that and I think one of my sister in laws did as well.

I vaguely heard one of my sister in laws telling her auntie, who had asked where I was that I was the one half her size now.  I actually heard the happiness in her voice when she said it.  She has never said anything more to me about how I have changed, which has been good as I have felt quiet a bit of pressure but to hear her emotion in her voice when she said it made my heart smile with happiness.  its not the words that are spoken sometimes that give us the light bulb moments is it...its the little things that spark the fire.

Perhaps it was the super moon shining down on us while we drove home in the dark last night or the last few weeks that have sunk into my skin but I feel a change coming. A good change and without realising, reflecting back, I think I started it last week.  No my exercise hasn't been my normal consistent 6 days a week.  My time has been short, -4 morning's to cold and work in excess and yes I am using excuses but deep inside, I needed this time to sort out my personal filing system.  To work out what and who I want to be when I grow up.    What I want from my life in the next 589 days before I turn 40.

Decisions have been made to suit me, not others.  Yes that's one of the biggest thing's I am changing.  I am always trying to be there for everyone else, be a shoulder, a hug, an ear...trying to help fix situations and taking on the emotion's of others to help them.  I need to stop.  The negative that comes with it overwhelms me and I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into the blackness when it takes hold.  Selfish maz is coming out and as hard as it is for my to comprehend I am sure my head will catch up in the long run.  One of the first things I have done is to wipe those people from my life.  A brother who text's me verbally abusive messages and then doesn't understand why I cant have him in my life was been blocked.  As much as it hurts my heart I cant go on with such a nasty, negative person in my life so I have closed the door and nailed the windows down on our relationship.  For the first time in years I can breath when I hear the phone right as I know it wont be him going on about how sick he is, how the world has done him wrong in so many ways.  I am taking the power back in my life to live without the drift wood that roots.

I honestly didn't think I had any more change left in me.  I thought I was a completely different person and that there was nothing more to give.....yet I forgot to give to the most important person of all...me.  I was so hell bent on getting healthy and fit, doing the good of the world, that I somehow got lost and forgot who I was in the process.  I can feel this new warmth, this feeling in my tummy that something new is happening...my new steps are coming up and instead of being afraid of putting my feet into them, I'm feeling the urge to run with them.

Life truly is good


P.S - for those wanting to know about my dad and his progress.  Its been 4 weeks and he has lost...18kg's. Can you believe that! I am so so proud of him!