Yesterday I was totally and utterly fucked up!
Week 4 measuring time and I had increased...yes FUCKING INCREASED 18cm in 4 weeks!!!
WHAT THE UTTER FUCK!!!????!!!!
What happened??? How? WHY?? who was to blame???
What happened - I ate....very well...maybe to fucking well! I allowed night time eating to sneak back in. My after work meal's at 9pm of the dinner I had made for hubby and the kids.
Never thought of myself as a tea hag....you know, one of those chick's that goes weak at the knee's at having a 'cuppa tea' (said in posh English tones).....and with it comes the full cream milk and sugar....arhhhhhhhh fuckity fuck!!
Ive joined a 24 hour gym and I'm kicking arse with what Im doing there...leg pressing my weight (100kg's) hand weights are up to 8kg's and lifting 15 - 20 with squats. Im doing push ups....fucking push ups??!!!! LOVE PUSH UPS (who the hell am I again???) running interval's on the tready are awesome...upping them next week well just cause I can :)
I have however let my morning walks slip...cold, tired and did I mention the cold (-1 degree's) is just to much for me....well no fucking more! Thermals have been purchased and this bitch is back out there!
Measuring large has really given me the shits. I'm a size 18 as it is and well I know I'm tall but FUCK! I don't want to be a size 18 *stomps foot like spoilt brat* I want to be smaller's, taller, thinner! I want to be under that 100kg's mark and stay there.
To add insult to this enormous pimple of mine - I took my 4 week comparison picture and cried like a bitch! I can see my gains...I can see double boob's, a wider waist, fatter thighs! Now dont give me that - don't be so hard on yourself maz bullshit....you have NO IDEA unless you've been fighting to get your life back from being morbidly obese so shhhhhh it right now! Just because you think I look good doesn't mean I feel it...its scares the living shit out of you when you've been fighting so hard to get better to feel like your going backwards.
4 weeks difference - not happy Jan
Then I had a brain snap!
When the hell did I become so critical of myself? when did I become this vain bitch?
This isnt me at all.
This 100kg mark is just like a big festering zit on my arse! I wont an refuse to let it change me.
I will be getting the tissues out, the tweezers and squeezing the bastard until it bleed's!!
Cause know what....I may of changed my eating habits, got of my fat arse and exercised to initially lose weights but now it flows in me, its my life, its in my blood.....this fucked up week, this increase on the scales and in cm's has got my blood boiling. Its red hot right now and as much as the old maz would love me to say - wait until you come back from your holiday in Darwin to refocus...its starts right NOW!
I am living my life, healthier, happier and for the long haul. I wont let a weight gain, cm gain or stuffing my face fuck up all the hard work I have so far put in. Be fucked if I will let the old habits come back, its not who or what I am anymore. I will turn this around, I will make it happen!!!
This shit here, its for life not just for 12 simple weeks.