Who am I???
This is a question I ask myself all the time when im out hitting the footpath.
Today I thought about being the Daughter.
Yes I'm a daughter to proud German parents who have supported me so much over the last 6 months. My mum alone has lost 15kgs in the last year and my dad has lost a massive 25kgs in the same time as me.
We talk food and how much we've changed out habits. My mum blames the war, yes the war back in the 1930's for her food hoarding ways. Mum was born in 1937 and grew up during the madness of WW2 in East and West Germany. Life was extremely hard for them. Lifestyles were taken away by the Nazi's on both side, my mum lost her infant brother due to bombings, many family member's fell forever asleep in concentration camps. Food was something that was hard to find then. The emotional baggage my mum carried from that stuck with her for years. For as long as I can remember my mum has always made sure that we had food in the house, pantry, cupboards FULL. We were NEVER without it. Never permitted to leave the table unless our over heaped plates were emptied. A clout around the ear was given is we didn't finish. Being so young and not having the experience of hunger that mum had meant we never understood. Mum made sure we never went through what she did, the hunger cramps, the pains that shoot through her body craving food...the wanting.
Perhaps her kindness in that regard, the mother in her, was overboard with affection....to much was on offer, no boundaries were placed and we stuffed out selves fat.
All 5 of us have eating or weight issues. My eldest brother died many years ago in a motor bike accident and it was found out that then he had bowel problems and wouldn't have seen another year anyway. My other 2 brother's yo yo up and down with their weight, both have extremely physical trades and work their fingers to the bone and my sister....pfffttt the world owes her everything and nothing, weighing in at 180plus kg's...yet she wont help herself. She'll be lucky to see in 2013 the rate she's eating.
Can you imagine the emotional scaring my mother has from all off this. I can see the pain in her eye's and the shake in her voice as she talks concerningly about my sister. There is no way i could ever blame my mum for our weight, we are our own worse enemies with food. Shit I fight the stuff my face demon every day and thank god at night, when I go to bed that I did it again.
I have always been the sporty type of kid / person. I use to run and walk everyday as a teenager. This morning in the fog I giggled to myself about how I use to pretend I was training to become a soccer player and would take our dog to the local soccer field and do lap's and pretend to kick an imaginary ball for an hour every morning in the fog. I was 12 or 13 and worried about my body image then. I ran km's on a sandy beach every morning and night just to get away and lose myself in my thoughts at 15.
I suppose walking was always my down load....clearing my head, each step on the earth getting the anger, the pain and the shit out of my system.
I am thankful for the 12wbt program. Ive had so much to deal with over the last few months and my outside session time has allowed me to debrief my soul and mind as well as shifting my arse. Its been my anti depressant. I get such a high after a good workout. Today was awesome....down loaded so much crap this morning in my 5.30am start. Walking and jogging 7km's in thick fog was exhilarating. I then decided to be a sucker for punishment and went on to do another 2km's on an 11incline on a tready and 5km's on a bike at the gym, PLUS weights, planking and crunches.
and to think...it all started with a 1km walk that fucked me all day ROFL