Scar tissue

External scar's fade in time, they may seem horrid and gorrish when they happen but they change and soon your just left with a little blemish or mark.

Its the internal ones that are invisible to others that give the deepest pain, the most hurt...

This weekend I ventured back to part of my past that I thought I was adult enough to move on from.  Probably the beginning of the reason I was the size I was until this time last year.  

It was the beginning of a time that I cant change, no matter how much I wish for it.  

We can only live now, with the memories of such times and hope and pray that we can be stronger not to let those emotions come back in that turned us into the destructive people we were.

This weekend just past....no amount of praying helped me.

Little did I know my son was taking  pictures of me and Baah when we were standing on this spot.  

Its still hard to look at it but its a stepping stone on making myself better.

I wanted to take her here, wanted to show her that this was my 'spot' where I came to when I felt lost and dark.  The exact spot where I stood when my mum read out the letter she had received in the mail telling us that her mother had died due to cancer.  

Hearing her scream and cry and not being able to do anything.
Something I did without volume....something I wish she would have heard me do but didnt.

I wanted to show her the pier where I would go when I had my moments of self destruction.  

Where I would walk blinded with tears and bruising within to comfort myself with the food I had taken from the pantry to eat away the hurt, the pain.

I use to sit there, right on the edge of that pier and wish that I would fall in, never to come up.

I sought what I thought was love but was in fact abuse by so many,  in the park that sat on the waterfront's edge.  Abuse was not a friend but I welcomed it as it was comfort that I understood and knew what was expected of me.

I had no one but my food to talk to...no one would listen and I was to ashamed to speak out.  Liar, bitch and whore were words that were flung at me so often that it seems easier to shut up and put up with it.

Food listened...it kept me warm, made me feel whole and never judged me.

I just wanted love.

Saturday night, once my babies were all in bed asleep those feeling came back.  

The emptiness, the sadness, most of all the hurt and shame.  It was taunting me.

Before I realised it, I was taking comfort in my old friend.  

Allowing it to take control and warm me again.  

Quickly I threw what I had in front of me in the bin and cried for what seemed hours.  

I will not let the past come back to torture my soul again.  

I am in control of my life, not the actions off those I trusted as a 14 year old girl.  

This is my life and YOU and your cruelty will never be welcome in my life again.

I wont allow it.  I am stronger, I am better and I happier.

Those people from my past are no longer there in my life to hurt me.

As I threw the last piece of bread into the bin...I realised how much I loved and missed my husband right at that moment.

He is my strength, my energy, my pea's to his carrot's.

He is my oxygen.....he is my love.

I asked Bahh to promise me something this weekend past...on my old spot.  

That is when ever she feels like she cant talk to anyone,

 if she feels like her world doesn't have colour in it anymore  

to PLEASE come to me.

She asked me why

My answer 

Because I will never judge you, never turn my back on you, I will believe in you

most of all

I will ALWAYS love you

My small goal gift

Date:	24 December 2012
Time:	09:20
Location:	Shepparton Donor Centre 94 Fryers St Shepparton-Mooroopna VIC 3630

this my friends is my gift back to the universe.

An awesome chicky...lets call her McGee made herself a chart of sorts, counting down until she reached her goal and is rewarding herself with a brand spanky new bike to ride.  This chick is phenomenal. She has climbed mountains, done the hard yards, burpee's included (ohh the swearing) and has lost an amazing 60..yes 60 friggen kg's.  I need a piece of that pie..I need a piece of that arse!

I took note, have made a little worship plaque which right bang smack in the middle is my count down chart.

I have 4kg's to get count down until I am double figures for the first time since I was married.  I will and I can do this!

I have set the goal to be accomplished by the 24th of December...my Christmas gift to myself.

I have no need for anything.  

I have a truly wonderful husband, 4 beautiful, insane and captivating children who give me reasons to smile, laugh and scream everyday.  

A wonderful family of support and love from my beautiful friends.  Wonderful close friendships with a few woman who 'know' me and who I am.

I have my life, my health and a heart full of happiness.

I prefer to give then receive...those who know me know what I'm like.

I'm the secret squirrel who organises gifts, surprises and love.

I get more out of someones happiness then having something sitting here collecting dust.

A smile, a hug and simple hello, how are you is worth far more then any millions in the bank.

I maybe injured atm but I am not letting that put any wall's up.

I WILL be making sure that my count down gets marked down to that magic number.

I wont be backing out either way.  I am committed and I will do this!

A 'gift' was emailed to me today...a picture of myself in Sydney that was taken after I was glamed up.

I had to do a double take.

who the hell is this chick?

I don't recognise her....wait I know those forehead squint lines and that cocky right eye raising thing.

Normally I would sit here and pick shit out of this picture...how chubby my face looks, how I have bag's, how shit and thin my lips look and my horrible moles that live on my face.

BUT

normally doesn't exist anymore.

I am in awe of myself.

My skin looks fresh, I have a glint in my eye, my hair is long and looks hot

I look happy

know why

cause for the first time in years I actually AM happy.

Free from negative forces

Free from stress

Free from terrible food.

I love life and all it has for me.

Live it, do it, love it

xx

Fat day blues

Fuckity, fuck fuck!

I'm having one of those days...you now the one....

Have a gut feeling that its due to my injury and not being able to exercise today.

I  HATE  FAT  DAYS!

Going to your wardrobe and pulling out nearly every piece of clothing you have, putting it on and picking on yourself....

shit my arse looks HUGE in this, 

my guts sticks out, 

its to tight you can see my back boobs,

 my legs are to wobbly - friggen cellulite

No matter what your other half says it just makes the situation worse and no matter what you tell yourself it just wont work, you feel like shit.  

We can wear exactly the same thing tomorrow and feel like a size 10...what the hell is with fat days???

You just want a big hole of nothing to come and grab you and suck you away.

Or better still, stay in bed, watch really shitty Days of Our Lives and eat a packet of chips and a bottle of something bubbly and high in sugar

Walking past a shop window today I saw my reflection and thought ahh crap my gunt is sticking out again..mustn't have tucked it away properly. Quickly I move my bag to cover it.  I keep walking paranoid that somehow someone can see through my bag and see my massive gunt.

Why do you think bigger chick's wear grannie knickers?  

You know the ones, full briefs that go to a normal girls armpits.  

They tuck  away your tummy, tuck away your shame and your over joyes love for food. 

 Cause if your eye cant see it its not there...right???

BLOODY WRONG!

We feel it.  Its more then seeing it.

I have lived with being up sized for so long that I have learnt tricks of the trade that will never leave.

Things like wearing longer singlet tops so the come down and camouflage the tummy by looking longer in the body.

Wearing boot leg jeans so that your bigger calves don't look like their being chocked to death.

Scarves in winter to disguise my double chin and bigger clothes to make myself feel like I am skinner when in fact I looked ridiculous and bigger then I was.

I was going to break the fat day cycle.  Fear gripped me...its a comfort thing that needed to be beaten with my positive stick.

I'm over feeling fat days. 

What does one do on such an occasion you ask???

yes, yes that's right we go shopping

I needed to get myself some new work out pants because I don't know how well my one active ones from Michelle Bridges are after yesterday fall.  I had noticed before my great pavement rapping that they seemed a little large as I had to pull them up twice.

Off to Big W I went and mosh pit dived into the one active section.

When I was a size 26 I could NEVER find any pants to fit me, they were always the size 18 and downwards.  I gathered that so many people were the same size as me and had it in my head that they must of joined MB12wbt as well.

Today I go in and bloody hell, there must be alot of skinnier woman out there now cause all the bigger sizes were available and only a few lonely size 18's.  

Shit now what do I do? Buy the size 18 again or go down to the 16?

Fuck it, if the 16 doesn't fit me now...it will in a month...right .

Bugger it, while I was there a singlet top came home with me as well.

Now this is RIGHT out of my comfort zone due to my gunt issues.  Its shorter and tighter then my usually camouflage...screw it lets do it.

And what do you know

IT BLOODY FITS!!!!!

BOO YEAH!!!!

But because its a feel fat day I tried to pick on how I looked, my tummy, my arms, my thighs.

I stopped my self, gave myself a good internal slapping about, put my big girl panties back on

and 

smiled back at myself in the mirror to tell myself

I look HOT!

 .

This chick is slowly busting out off her fat day.

Think that I might pour myself a sparkling mineral water to celebrate.

xx

Face punched by the footpath

owies

This is what I came home like this morning after my morning run was cut short by the foot path coming up and bitch slapping me.

You know, I probably deserved it. Poor bastard has put up with me walking and running on it for the past 11 months. Cant say Id be as patient to kick someone in the arse for stomping on me every day, especially when I was 130kg's when I started.

Rewind to my 5.10am alarm when I hit snooze and though get your arse out of bed woman. Laying here isn't going to make your self skinnier.  Good old auto pilot took over and before I knew it I was out the door quicker then a new brides nightie going up.

I did my 5 min warm up walk thinking shit I've been lucky. I haven't fallen in ages and although I was yawning like a mad woman I was ready to get into it. I found my tempo feet quiet quickly this morning.  My gym instructor last night told me that when she was training they were told to chew gum to learn how to breath properly. hmmmm yep, I started chewing like I was a cow but it helped. Mind you there was no gum in my mouth so it was just pretend motions happening.  I had a good slow pace, my breathing was great...hit the round about and felt fab and ready to keep going.  Waved to a friend and smiling inside kept going. 

Started hearing 'fighter' in my ears via my iphone and I was in my zone when

ZOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHH

hello what the hell 

keep your balance Maz...no no try and roll. nope not going to work.

shit did my tooth just go through my lip...ohhh my nose is burning...why is my nose burning.

Get up Maz, keep moving your right.....WOW sudden urge to throw up

why is my hand hurting....stop my nose from burning

And there I looked up to see a sea of worried looking woman

One mentioned to wipe my nose cause I had snot...I can giggle now but shit, snot every where YUCK! I was so worried about having it and could feel it all over my face that I just used my top to clean up but it wasn't snot it was blood.  

All I thought I could think was thank god I didn't piss or crap myself in the process of falling.

Wonderful Naomi tried to ring my darling hubby but his phone rang out.  She sprung into action and through foggy ears I heard a mention of getting a car.

Superwoman Liz was asking me what I had to do on Friday and what time I had to be there.

I was sitting there, looking at her thinking,

Liz why the fuck are you asking me this shit....you know what time the presentation goes down.

Liz was just making sure that Maz was on the ball and hadn't knocked her head to hard.

Through a blur and pain these woman grab one of my arms each and lifted me up to stand.  

Inside I was screaming don't lift me I'm to fat for you to pick up but tears were the only things that came out of me.  These woman stopped their own training session to come to my rescue.  They stopped what they were doing for them to come to my aid.  I honestly don't know what I would of done if they weren't there.  Sat like a stuffed pigeon no doubt until I got my head into thinking mode.

I am truly grateful for such selfless, caring and wonderful ladies in shining armour.

This is the exact spot I went arse over tit.  

It has an inch rise and my foot just caught it.  That driveway just ahead of it is where I was going to cross the road to run because I don't like running on the gravel track beyond that light pole.  

Seems I didn't stand a chance 

 War wounds my right hand, pretty swollen and my knuckle on the ring finger is moved very close to me middle finger. Id say it took the brunt of my fall along with my left knee...feels like I was playing twist and fell.  While finally my right knee is back in place and now pain, the left knee if cactus.  BUT my Michelle Bridges 3/4 pants are still in one piece *insert smiley face* they maybe full of my skin, flesh and blood but they have no holes.

And finally the face now all cleaned up.

My nose stud actually came out while my face was skimming the ground and cut into my nose and top lip.   Its all good :) I'm fine, no broken bones, I can walk and still fart.

I do however have a school concert I have to attend Thursday night with the kids and hubby  so there will be lots of looks. Mehhh that doesn't worry me...its when I take my children to the local Prison on Friday that worries me.

The prison's are donating an Ipad mini to my second eldest to help him with his schooling and are having a special presentation for him on the day...I'm going to look quiet like the ghetto bitch aren't I.

Tomorrow morning, there will be no running...I'll be happy if my body will let me get up and walk my circuit. 

No pain no gain...right 

Happy thoughts

xxxxx

• 
  

Nominating myself...shit

Week three's weekly surprise is to nominate a blog or your own.

Ive nominated my own.

*gulp*

Now before you start thinking shit Maz has got a big head, Ive got some news for you

I BLOODY HAVE!!!!

My friends know that I'm not one to toot my own horn. I'm quiet the secret squirrel when it comes to many things.  I love to surprise people, organise gifts for those who need them or even just a PM to someone to let them know that someone loves them when I see that their having a bad day.  I don't need anything repaid to me...the joy heard in the voice of the person Ive rung or the shit eating grin that you see on someones face is more then enough.

I had no intention of nominating myself until this morning. 

After uprooting my bedroom looking for a pair of 3/4 shorts to wear I cracked it and decided that I needed to buy something that would fit me without making me look like Ive shat my dacks.  I need clothes stat!!!

I had to pick up some layby's Santa had arranged *wink wink nudge nudge* so thought best I get this done now, without the amigo's with me, by myself.

I found some awesome pants, picked them up without really taking notice and went to the change rooms to try them on.  Stripped down, pulled out my wedgie and put on new pants only to have them fall to my ankles *insert awkward scream in here*. 

Yes - size 18...boo yeah baby

Why you ask...cause this stupid twit is still in the I wear a size 26 state of mind.  Its one thing that I really need to work on and I'm hoping to achieve this round...clearing my head and eyes of the size 26 body I had.  I look in the mirror and the person looking back at me is still the same chick I saw last year, and the year before that.  I was so use to buying size 26 that its just a habit to reach for it proving that my mind hasn't caught up.  Shit, circus tents were starting to look mighty fine for comfort and wear ability last Christmas.

I sit here now, typing this, trying to think of what to say while my hand goes to my neck and 'feels' my collar bones. I HAVE COLLAR BONES PEOPLE!!!!!!  I had forgotten what they were like and cant stop touching them now that I have rediscovered them.

My hubby posted a comment on my facebook over the weekend.  He isn't a man of many words but his love is unconditional and gives me strength when I feel I have none. 

Here it is

Jeremy Bourke I married 1 woman and after 13 year I now am married to a new woman both of them I love but this new one seems to be happier with, life and herself. I see that both are very sexy and I love them both. But this new one loves her self more and that makes me happy. Maryan I love you then and now, you make me get up I the mornings just to see how lucky I am in life. I love you.

I was so thankful I was in a the cinema when I read this...I sobbed like a child.  Not due to sadness but to the love and the though that he placed into his words.  I never knew the effect this would have on him..I knew that I had upset a few people with my new life but I never knew what I reflected outwards to him and my family.  He totally blew me away and just made me want to have his babies even more.

I am a different person.  I have more self respect in my little finger then I did in my entire body last year.  I no longer put my happy face on for everyone, I truly am happy INSIDE and out.  I love my life.  Love that I can breath without coughing madly. I love how healthy I now eat, how great exercising and being out feels.  I love the respect I give myself now.  The respect I have been lacking for so long.  I treat my self and my body with dignity.  I love how my new found vest for life is infecting those around me and making life all round positive.

Most of all

I have finally learnt

to love myself.

The joy's of a gunt

This here posting is for you Anne Maree Wilson and anyone else who has/had a gunt.
Its one of the reasons I began my 12wbt ... a gunt isn't all what it seems.

Gunt
	This is a combo of gut and c***. The gunt is the huge layer of belly fat that hangs over the waist on morbidly obese women and covers the vagina. If for some reason, someone would actually want to have sex with this woman, the gunt must be lifted up out of the way to expose the genitals.

Nice description given there.
Sadly it's lacking in a few area's.

It fails to mention how the heat effects the area.  Summer time comes and hell it starts  cooking.  You can imagine what 2 layers of skin on skin that cant breath will do...rubbing is just the beginning of it.

First there's the itching..omg it itches like a bitch! no matter what you do you cant make it stop and once you start it only gets worse.  You begin to itch so much that you scratch open the skin and it bleeds and then stings.  Man Id rather have shavers rash from getting my bikini line done cause I know after day 2 its gone. This stays around for weeks if your not careful.
To combat the problem I started using pantie liners and folding them in half and wedging them in under my gunt to soak up the sweat. They worked for a while until my body said a big NOOOO to them.  Bamboo velour became my friend for a long time...I used my scrap pieces and would over lock them together into long thin strips to wedge under.  They worked a treat :)

Know what smell I hate the most...that lets put powder on the wet spot smell.  Yes I have been guilty of it. I had to, cause I didn't know what else to do.  It cakes together...gathers in all the little nooks and crannies like gangs of bullies waiting to pounce and degrade you.  Once the sweat start's you have that nasty sweet off smelling odour about you...you know the one. Like when you get on a crowded train on a hot day and you can smell the old lady from the other side of the carriage....yep, THAT'S the smell *shudders*.

Sweat is one of the gunts greatest enemies....nylon attracts it so lacey pretty knickers (if you can get them to fit a size 26) are out the door.  Sweat starts gathering and if you not careful  fungus grows and many woman suffering from eczema have it in this area majority of the time.  I know I did...my god it was horrible. This then starts the itch thing happening....see the cycle is just none stop.

You think muffin top looks horrid...try square gunt syndrome.  You find an awesome pair of pants or a gorgeous slightly tight dress and you get it on and look in the mirror and what do you see. Yep instead of a lovely flat or even round tummy you have this box like looking thing slapping your eyes.  You can hide it, it sits over your who ha and it looks square.  Worse still, is trying to stuff it into jeans.  OMFG its not a pretty sight when your in a change room trying to stuff your gunt and stomach into a pair of jeans to have the sales assistance open the curtain to look straight at your middle with her jaw gaping open.  You cant blame her...she's young, thin and doesn't look like she's ever had a day being over a size 14.  Humour steps in and says to said sales girl - see this is what quarter pounders and having 4 kids do to you while you push the curtain back and hide your tears of embarrassment.

The one I have noticed most recently it the clapping of the gunt.  OH how it loves to be noticed and cheer you on when your doing star jumps and skipping...clap...clap...clap.  When it first happened I was looking around the room at the other's in the class thinking who the hell is clapping us on.  It wasn't until I noticed everyone looking at me and feeling the weight hit above my fanny bone that I twigged.  Red face Ive made the - I cant skip excuse. Its bloody embarrassing.  Instead I now do a lift and AB&T  class to tighten up....I think its working :)

Next time you see an over weight person and giggle to yourself about how big their gunt is....think of all the crap they go through everyday and be thankful that you don't have one.

Weekly challange - Operation Inspiration board

To quote Michelle Bridges

This may sound a little cheesy to some, but people I know who do these boards are the ones who are most passionate about their goals. The more passionate you are about something, the more likely you are to achieve it.

I was one of those cheese loving people.  What the hell do I want with an inspiration board...really are you for real?  How the hell is that going to help me achieve anything.  If visual boards for my autistic son's don't work how the hell is it meant to work for a 'normal' person.  pffft stick that up ya bum.

But then in my hour of working out, my brain space time (my only time I get to think without interruptions) something snapped into place.  A montage of where I have been, where I want to be and what I want to achieve...shit YES YES YES!  I need to have something that celebrates my achievements, my goals and most of all how I feel.

Id like to explain it..if I may

top left - out with the old. I will NEVER be like that again..hear me NEVER!!!! Its to remind myself where I started..who I was then and how far I have come since.

top right -  Blessed.  I truly am.  To have such a supportive, loving, ungrudging and giving family. Each and every one of them has helped me be the person I am today.  Without them I would be lost and have no purpose.

Start chasing rainbows - never ever doubt anything.  If you can think it, you can do it.  This was proven to me in Sydney.

  

Amazing - these girl's...WOW.  They blew me away with their confidence, their positive manor, their charms lol.  I admire and respect them and when I grow up, I want to be like them.

Achievable TEAM - I will never forget the support I gain and continue to receive from the 30 plus team.  Each of their input has helped me in so many forms.

Lap picture - that's the seat belt on the plane when I went to Sydney...can you see how much I had to tighten it...JUMPING FOR JOY!!! no more extension straps!!! This shit is for REAL!

feet picture - how far I have come...the distance my tummy has disappeared and my body has given me through eating healthy and exercising. 

Pinkie - the fun run I WILL be running in January.  Its for breast cancer and I will be running it in honour of my mother in law who is a breast cancer survivor.  This will be my first fun run and I am currently working on the 10k running program Michelle offers with her program.

Lastly - middle photo...me holding a sign saying reborn.

I do truly feel like a new person.  

No longer do I allow food to rule my world and the guilt that goes with binge eating.  Yep, guilt from over eating and allowing myself from eating until I just couldn't anymore.  I often didn't realise until I had polished off an entire BBQ chicken from Cole's and washed it down with a 1.25L bottle of pepsi max without even knowing, what it tasted like let alone know what I had done. I enjoy my food, I actually taste it now allowing its flavour to tantalise me.  Food is completely different.

I feel complete on the inside.  My body is healthy, my skin is clear.  I can breath again.  I feel reborn.

There you have it.  I'm not really that good and visual things, give me a sewing machine and I'm apples or allow me to write and it comes out,  but visuals.....*shudders*.  I hope that I explained my world and how it relates to me

I'm off to cut up some fruit and veggies to take to the movies this morning.  Popcorn and coke dont exist on my menu.

xxMaz