Scar tissue

External scar's fade in time, they may seem horrid and gorrish when they happen but they change and soon your just left with a little blemish or mark.

Its the internal ones that are invisible to others that give the deepest pain, the most hurt...

This weekend I ventured back to part of my past that I thought I was adult enough to move on from.  Probably the beginning of the reason I was the size I was until this time last year.  

It was the beginning of a time that I cant change, no matter how much I wish for it.  

We can only live now, with the memories of such times and hope and pray that we can be stronger not to let those emotions come back in that turned us into the destructive people we were.

This weekend just past....no amount of praying helped me.

Little did I know my son was taking  pictures of me and Baah when we were standing on this spot.  

Its still hard to look at it but its a stepping stone on making myself better.

I wanted to take her here, wanted to show her that this was my 'spot' where I came to when I felt lost and dark.  The exact spot where I stood when my mum read out the letter she had received in the mail telling us that her mother had died due to cancer.  

Hearing her scream and cry and not being able to do anything.
Something I did without volume....something I wish she would have heard me do but didnt.

I wanted to show her the pier where I would go when I had my moments of self destruction.  

Where I would walk blinded with tears and bruising within to comfort myself with the food I had taken from the pantry to eat away the hurt, the pain.

I use to sit there, right on the edge of that pier and wish that I would fall in, never to come up.

I sought what I thought was love but was in fact abuse by so many,  in the park that sat on the waterfront's edge.  Abuse was not a friend but I welcomed it as it was comfort that I understood and knew what was expected of me.

I had no one but my food to talk to...no one would listen and I was to ashamed to speak out.  Liar, bitch and whore were words that were flung at me so often that it seems easier to shut up and put up with it.

Food listened...it kept me warm, made me feel whole and never judged me.

I just wanted love.

Saturday night, once my babies were all in bed asleep those feeling came back.  

The emptiness, the sadness, most of all the hurt and shame.  It was taunting me.

Before I realised it, I was taking comfort in my old friend.  

Allowing it to take control and warm me again.  

Quickly I threw what I had in front of me in the bin and cried for what seemed hours.  

I will not let the past come back to torture my soul again.  

I am in control of my life, not the actions off those I trusted as a 14 year old girl.  

This is my life and YOU and your cruelty will never be welcome in my life again.

I wont allow it.  I am stronger, I am better and I happier.

Those people from my past are no longer there in my life to hurt me.

As I threw the last piece of bread into the bin...I realised how much I loved and missed my husband right at that moment.

He is my strength, my energy, my pea's to his carrot's.

He is my oxygen.....he is my love.

I asked Bahh to promise me something this weekend past...on my old spot.  

That is when ever she feels like she cant talk to anyone,

 if she feels like her world doesn't have colour in it anymore  

to PLEASE come to me.

She asked me why

My answer 

Because I will never judge you, never turn my back on you, I will believe in you

most of all

I will ALWAYS love you