Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What goes up.....does come down

Over stimulating my self doubt button's atm.
Feel like my emotions are playing twister and my soul is being put into positions and places it isn't comfortable in.
While being on such a high until my epic pavement falling I feel like I'm deflating like a balloon right now.  I'm not crying out for help....no one else can help me at this point.  I need to get up, brush off and refocus my energy.

I feel like I have slumped backwards.  Monday I tried my luck at the gym only to last 1/2 an hour on the tready.  My knee throbbing in pain and knocking my hand on the stupid side of it. Tonight although I ate a beautiful made salsa (12week MBT recipe of course) and ate my normal portion I failed majorly when it came to the meat. Shit me.....my brain was saying no, stop putting it in your mouth and my mouth and stomach were saying fuck you I'M HUNGRY!!  EAT!!

And now.....the food guilt's are kicking my arse.

Why the hell do we do this to ourselves?
We eat so well, so clean for weeks only to sit and eat like a starving homeless person.  Not giving 2 shits about where the food ends up, shovelling it in and not even feeling how good it tastes.  Food for the soul is quoted by so many cooks....its fine for the bloody soul cause it doesn't have to watch for water retention, bloating, shitting like there's no tomorrow.

I have no excuse and I refuse to make any.

No need to hear your owning it, you can move forward.  I absolutely detest what I have done and how I feel right now.  You know, the self anger building up inside, your good self beating the utter shit out of your bad self with baseball bat.  The feeling that food can give at the time of inhaling it is so short lived.  I have been fighting so hard since the weekend and honestly thought I had over come it...quiet obviously not as I sit here, dwelling on what I've shoved in and how stupidly I have ruined my last 3 weeks of hard work.

I don't give a toss who we are, how far we have come or have to go, we all go through this emotional roller coaster.  Us morbidly obese people didn't get fat over night.  We built wall's and personalities up to mask our pain, our insecurities...food was our friend, our drug of choice.  It soothes us when we are at our least vulnerable.  It is our saviour when the light fades.

Exercise had replaced these emotional lows for me.  This week has been the first time in a long time that I feel like I've let my wall's down.  Feeling very overwhelmed and flat.
Tomorrow morning, I don't give a crap how long my circuit takes, I'm haling my arse back out side to walk my 6.5km's, whether I hobble it or not.

Maz needs to get her groove back into its happy place.


  1. You know what Maz - I had a nasty fall like you back in June. And it completely did my head in. Like totally fucked it up. For ages. I know you are strong and can do this, but also be kind to yourself. Don't let the 'bad self' beat you up. Please. You are far too precious for that xxx

  2. snap! it must be the week for it.. my Mind Witch was in on the game too! Tomorrow I will be the girl I was too lazy to be today!

  3. I've been reading your blog since the beginning of round 4. You're one strong lady, so I know you will push through this poo. By all means, get out there and walk. Just don't aggravate your sore knee and make it worse.
    Don't beat yourself up, mentally or physically OK. You are worth a lot more than that. Gosh, look how many people you have inspired, made laugh and just generally encouraged being exactly who you are.
    You are awesome :-)