One year healthiversary

I did it!!!

I got through my first year.

In YOUR faces all of you who said I wouldn't get here

In YOUR face to those who were super negative and sabotaging

IN YOUR FACE MAZ!

Yes ME!!

I was my own worst enemy.  I talked myself out of this so many times and then talked myself back into it 5 times more.  I got up and made myself get up and get off my arse when my inner baddy said sit back, relax there are other ways.

I made myself go out and work harder when I allowed those extra unhealthy things into my body.

I

JUST

Fucking

DID

IT

my starting stats back in round 1 were

chest - 120.5cm

waist - 117cm

hips - 137cm

left and right leg each - 75cm

left and right arm each - 40cm

my starting stats for round 4 are

chest - 109cm

waist - 95cm

hips - 121cm

left and right leg each - 63 cm

left and right arm each - 35cm

A total lost so far of 

11.5 plus 22 plus 26 plus 24 plus 10

adding

93.5cm 

GONE 

FOREVER

I began on this date...27th of December weighing in at 

130kg's

today I weigh

101.5kg's

That's 

28.5kg's

GONE 

FOREVER

I remember taking the picture on the left thinking what the hell am I doing.  I need to make myself accountable.  I was very quiet with what I was doing initially.  I didn't want anyone knowing in case I fell back and into my own habits, this way I only had my own chastising to contend with and not the mouths of others saying ha ha.

It took me a while but in March I came out of my fat closest and started sharing pictures with those I trusted.  Sadly some of those who I did share with did take the initiative to hurt me commenting how I'm not afraid to prance around on FB in my undies when I'm scared of showing my arse in a dress.

Another bent coat hanger thrown out into the recycling and another free space in my fat closet #wink wink

I recently found the same singlet in my Mount Foldmore and decided for shits and giggles to put it on.

I was totally blown away...holly shit balls batman it fit me.....but it was now a sack. 

Here I was thinking my nork's have never changed...pffft bullshit my friends.  

Just cause I love flashing them in my underwear on the net, you know cause their all scrummy, pert,  sexually attractive  and Im such a horny bag cause of them.

I went and looked at some of my old bra's.....size 22EE's with the elastic so stretch due to accommodating my back boobs....THIS PICTURE is off the old .. sorry no pictures of the new, hubbies helping to wear them in cause I now wear a size 18D which come in pretty colours, lots of laces, ribbons and are nice and comfy but most of all

SEXY

#smilieface

These 2 pictures crack me up.  Last year a gorgeous friend of mine gave me a bag full of clothes which I loved but was simply to big to fit in.  I put them away in hopes that this 12wbt program would work.

I tried one of my favourites on back in March and almost wet myself with happiness that although it was tight it fit.

After the singlet orgasm I decided I needed a double fix...out came the shirt and HELLO SAILOR!

It no only fit but it was roomy...not clasping to my norks and hips OR arms...it fit BIG.

My sideshow Bob feet have always hidden themselves under my gunt very well.  They had this special relationship the 2 of them....perhaps that's my the bastards tripped me up the other week #shrugs who knows.  I remember a very clever lady saying she wished she'd taken measurements of her neck way back when.  hmmm got me thinking.  Ive always had this long, giraffe looking neck, along with a camel hump behind it, between my shoulder blades so I couldn't do that...so I decided to take progressive pictures of my feet.

It's simple, grab the camera, point It down from head height and click away

The last one, dated December.....well bugger me my ankles decided to make an appearance for the occasion.  Was so nice to have them attend and yes I am silently jumping up and down like a mad woman about it.

Have I changed at all over the last year?  I would be lying to say I haven't.  Toxic waste, food, consumers, parasite's, bent coat hangers and negativity has been removed, more so in the last 3 months.

I have learnt to listen to myself, being aware of what I need and how I feel.

My relationship with myself is awesome.  I have a new respect for myself.  I am no longer the aggressive, nasty, self loathing, jealous woman I was.

I have become aware that although not everyone gets along, we all have voices that need to be heard and lives that need living.  Time, health and happiness is far to short to dwell on the sadness of our yesterday's but to live with thanks to those who have been in our lives.  

For we all teach, nurture and love in our own ways.  

Its how we read those ways and interpret them, none judgmentally, that matter's.

Christmas girls weekend in Melbourne 2011 - 130kg's

Week away in August 2011 - weighing 135kg's

Today December 2012 - weighing 101.5kg's

think Ive changed?

nah

 Im just starting to move my feet

xxx

On the road again

Really really wanted to smash the  run keeper bitch in the face this morning. 

Taunting me  continuously with...time is and distance covered is......shit, shit and hey.... just for something different SHIT!

Yesterday was my first adventure back to my morning route since my footpath rampage.

 Knee bandaged up and doing fine.  Time was alright but no running, no way!! Was not pushing it at all.

This morning, after the 1/2cm thick scab fell off last night, my knee was throbbing like no other.

Didn't strap it, just free balled and totally regretted it. 

I was arguing with myself and had a bad case of the cant be fucks.

Stupid maz - didn't bandage your knee... TWIT. I'll just get to the corner up here and then turn around and go home....no you wont, you will keep going and then some.

AAARRRRHHHHHH

Huge case of mental torture

JFDI

Hell yes!!!!

In all seriously though I always thought I wasn't very fit, even with how far Ive come from the beginning of the year.  It took me 1 hour and 40 Min's my very first time. It killed me and I was only walking and mind you it was slllooooowwwwww.  My t-shirt at the time was drenched with sweat.

I often saw so many awesome chicks sharing what exercise commitments they have achieved and I was in awe.  they started an urge in me to push myself that little bit

I started the gym and although I cant stand getting on a tready cause it bores me shitless

 (lets face it there is only so long you can look at the same little dirty spot on the wall or window until your brain goes numb) so I dabbled my hand into some classes and learnt that I loved boxing and lifting weights.

Smash class...pfft I'm far to unco-ordinated for that shit.  I look like I'm having a seizure of sorts and its just, well its just not pretty.

I discovered jogging.  Building it up from one light post to the other to getting up to 3km's and even pushing myself that little bit further with this round and committing myself to do the 10k program.

Cue face plant

This morning I thought I would try to jog at my usually starting point and lasted....400m before my knee began protesting loudly.  Usually its my bowels screaming - EMPTY ME NOW..yeah nah *shudders*   I listened to my body and slowed back down to a walk, kicking myself inside that I couldn't do what my heart wanted.  

Flash backs from January are hitting me.  Then I began to think, you know its not so bad to go back to where we started.  It gives me perspective, shows me how valuable my body is and how committed and focused I am on gaining fulfilment from what I was giving myself.

It has empowered me in so many fronts, given my strength when normal I would of ran for the corner in the room to cry.   Shown me the true colours of many.  Respecting myself in the positive choices I have and continue to make.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on that run keeper chick after all.

I was up, I was doing my thing and by the time I got home, I was loving my self sick for it.

Each day brings new challenges...here's to them making me a better and stronger person.

Now...off to find that dame loo

Changing of the eating ways

This is my mornings workout.

I have peeled, washed, chopped up and grated

2 heads of lettuce

4 red onions

bunch of spring onions

1 continental cucumber

6 tomatoes

2 capsicums

300 grams of mushrooms

3 kg's of carrots

In my veggie crisper I have

grapes

watermelon

strawberries

apples / pears / banana's

pineapple and celery

stashed in my bar fridge is

3 whole cauliflowers

2kg's of broccoli

1 cabbage
4kg's of carrots

Sounds great doesn't it.  I absolutely LOVE that I have so much fresh fruit and veggies in the house to make clean, non processed meals for us all.  There is nothing better then actually tasting the flavours of your food rather then tasting cardboard.  My children eat so well now and actually prefer a spaghetti bolognas cooked full of veggies and made freshly then the tin bought pasta sauce.  Often all 5of us are in our kitchen, peeling, cutting and cooking together. Ive found that if my children help in the preparation of making the meal, they're more then happy to eat it and sprout off to who ever they see next what they helped make.

This is the end produce from this morning, a nice clean and fully stocked fridge.

I place a piece of bread in the bottom of the containers that have 'wet' items in them to soak up the extra moisture.  Eg tomato, cucumber, mushrooms.

I cover the grated carrots and lettuce with water to keep them fresh.

See that block of Jarlsberg cheese there on the bottom shelf...that would normally nag at me to inhale it but right now...mehhhh it can inhale me.  I have no urge what so ever to eat it.

Ive been contemplating for a while about becoming a vegetarian.

My interest in meat has flopped big time and I've found I'm having a passionate affair with fruit and veggies.

I do how ever LOVE sea food - tuna and prawns especially.

My only concern is getting enough iron into my body and what veggies and grains I need to replace the meat I did eat.  I will be researching this over the next few weeks and I'll be checking out the vegetarian menu plan Michelle Bridges has to offer and take some insight into that.

Ive become more confident in cooking low cal and finding that even thought my meals are smaller I am more content due to eating correctly.

There was a time when I only ate at night.  I missed breakfast, shoved something disgusting and empty down my throat at 2pm and then sat and did nothing but eat from 6pm to 10pm.

I was sluggish, pale, had bad skin, grumpy and fat.

Now I get up and I'm hungry.

I have a yummy bowl of Greek yoghurt with cinnamon, cut banana and strawberries in it.

lunch is a wrap with tuna or just plan salad in it.

Dinner is grilled meat or fish and salad or steamed veggies.

I drink water.  It actually feels good to know its flushing goodness back into my body.

Pepsi max use to wash down night time companion.  Now I shudder at how much I use to drink of it.

 

I couldn't agree more with this.

Gone, pushed out into the universe is the woman who ate for comfort

who ate for the sake of eating

I cant wait for what the universe brings me back to complete the circle.

Gratitude to the universe

THE GRATITUDE PROJECT - the shooting in the States reminds us how precious life is and how we so often take it for granted. There has been talk in the 30+crew lately of gratitude and in the wake of such tragedy and just prior to Christmas I would love to see us all put that into action. So... this is the gratitude project. It's not a say it to the world thing, not about sharing your positivity with the world, its about telling the people in your life that you appreciate them. Between now and Christmas say thank you... write a note, send an email, a text, whatever to the people in your lives to say thank you. Not just the people that are close, but the guy who makes you coffee or a shop assistant that made you smile. Don't make it an essay just something like - today you made me smile thank you

This post was placed in the 30plus group I'm part off this morning in lu of the senseless shooting that took the lives of 27 innocent people today.  Shot by a 20 year old man who's mother worked at the school he opened fire in.  20 of those people were children aged from 5 to 10.  They had so much life and love still to give.  There parent's will never see them graduate like many of us have seen our children do over the last week.  They will never have the excitement of their first love, going to their prom, getting their first pay packet let alone have children of their own.  Lives lost and families, a community shattered into a million pieces.

What caused the young man to take himself to that school with a gun and open fire?  What was going on in his head?  What pushed him to the point of destruction?  I guess we will never know what frame of mind this man was in.  We all can vent and say what an arse hole, yes I agree but what pushed him to do this act?  To need to hurt others that in such an unrepearable way?

I cant imagine what those families, his family, are feeling right now.

 The gratitude post that I have quoted above was the slap in the face I needed today.  I have been quiet and dwelling in my own little sorrow pit due to my injury and weight gain last Wednesday.  Totally pissed of at myself in the process and for what?

There are far greater sorrows in the world right now then my bloody knee.

I posted the following in my 30 plus FB support group

Gratitude post. I cant PM, email or send text's to each of you individually, man that would take days :p BUT I would like to thank each of you for bringing a bit of yourselves into our lives. For sharing your journey, for being strong and believing in yourselves and others. I for one, am truly grateful to you for being so open and allowing me to take what I need from your postings. Thank you for your friendship and your love. This part of the road is hard and the wisdom, support and encouragement you all give makes it less of a struggle.
xxxxx

I truly an grateful to the wonderful people in the group.  Each of them giving so much without question, without needing or wanting a thanks.  

I am surrounded by humble and strong woman and men who are a shoulder when I need it,

You allow me to reflect openly on the highs and the lows this weight lose journey gives me.

There are so many things I am grateful for.

My mum had a gallbladder operation last week and what was first thought to be cancer has been cleared.  

My mother in law had a slight stroke (I cant remember the exact word) and I am grateful that she is alright and not badly effected.  Ive been praying very hard and have lite several candles in hopes that she recovers well.

I am thankful for the wisdom and knowledge my children have given and still supply to me.

As they grow into the people they are, they teach me tolerance, love and open my eyes to new and wonderful things everyday. 

Thankful that 16 years ago I got blind drunk and went back to my tent with someone else's boyfriend *whistles innocently*

16 years on we have had many ups and downs but I love the strong, independent, loving husband and father I have in my life.

Sisterly love doesn't need to have blood ties.  I have a bond that will still be strong, even after our time here has ended.  I am thankful everyday for the unconditional love and friendship I have shared with Sam for over 20 years.

You are my sister of heart.  I love you deeper then any ocean.

Most of all I am thankful that I have had and still have so many wonderful people in my life.

I have had some friendships that have not ended, simply moved on as they had come to an end but I will never forget what those friendships gave me.

The internet has given me the opportunity to reach out, wrap my arm's around people and share the burden, the joy's and the laughter.  I am forever grateful for the world of technology for allowing me to have so many wonderful woman in my life.

Each of them bringing so much passion, friendship and strength to my world.

My life wouldn't be complete without you all.

Thank you all for making the world a better place.

The universe needs special people and each one of you are exactly that.

Love and peace out

xxxx

What goes up.....does come down

Over stimulating my self doubt button's atm.
Feel like my emotions are playing twister and my soul is being put into positions and places it isn't comfortable in.
While being on such a high until my epic pavement falling I feel like I'm deflating like a balloon right now.  I'm not crying out for help....no one else can help me at this point.  I need to get up, brush off and refocus my energy.

I feel like I have slumped backwards.  Monday I tried my luck at the gym only to last 1/2 an hour on the tready.  My knee throbbing in pain and knocking my hand on the stupid side of it. Tonight although I ate a beautiful made salsa (12week MBT recipe of course) and ate my normal portion I failed majorly when it came to the meat. Shit me.....my brain was saying no, stop putting it in your mouth and my mouth and stomach were saying fuck you I'M HUNGRY!!  EAT!!

And now.....the food guilt's are kicking my arse.

Why the hell do we do this to ourselves?
We eat so well, so clean for weeks only to sit and eat like a starving homeless person.  Not giving 2 shits about where the food ends up, shovelling it in and not even feeling how good it tastes.  Food for the soul is quoted by so many cooks....its fine for the bloody soul cause it doesn't have to watch for water retention, bloating, shitting like there's no tomorrow.

I have no excuse and I refuse to make any.

No need to hear your owning it, you can move forward.  I absolutely detest what I have done and how I feel right now.  You know, the self anger building up inside, your good self beating the utter shit out of your bad self with baseball bat.  The feeling that food can give at the time of inhaling it is so short lived.  I have been fighting so hard since the weekend and honestly thought I had over come it...quiet obviously not as I sit here, dwelling on what I've shoved in and how stupidly I have ruined my last 3 weeks of hard work.

I don't give a toss who we are, how far we have come or have to go, we all go through this emotional roller coaster.  Us morbidly obese people didn't get fat over night.  We built wall's and personalities up to mask our pain, our insecurities...food was our friend, our drug of choice.  It soothes us when we are at our least vulnerable.  It is our saviour when the light fades.

Exercise had replaced these emotional lows for me.  This week has been the first time in a long time that I feel like I've let my wall's down.  Feeling very overwhelmed and flat.
Tomorrow morning, I don't give a crap how long my circuit takes, I'm haling my arse back out side to walk my 6.5km's, whether I hobble it or not.

Maz needs to get her groove back into its happy place.

Scar tissue

External scar's fade in time, they may seem horrid and gorrish when they happen but they change and soon your just left with a little blemish or mark.

Its the internal ones that are invisible to others that give the deepest pain, the most hurt...

This weekend I ventured back to part of my past that I thought I was adult enough to move on from.  Probably the beginning of the reason I was the size I was until this time last year.  

It was the beginning of a time that I cant change, no matter how much I wish for it.  

We can only live now, with the memories of such times and hope and pray that we can be stronger not to let those emotions come back in that turned us into the destructive people we were.

This weekend just past....no amount of praying helped me.

Little did I know my son was taking  pictures of me and Baah when we were standing on this spot.  

Its still hard to look at it but its a stepping stone on making myself better.

I wanted to take her here, wanted to show her that this was my 'spot' where I came to when I felt lost and dark.  The exact spot where I stood when my mum read out the letter she had received in the mail telling us that her mother had died due to cancer.  

Hearing her scream and cry and not being able to do anything.
Something I did without volume....something I wish she would have heard me do but didnt.

I wanted to show her the pier where I would go when I had my moments of self destruction.  

Where I would walk blinded with tears and bruising within to comfort myself with the food I had taken from the pantry to eat away the hurt, the pain.

I use to sit there, right on the edge of that pier and wish that I would fall in, never to come up.

I sought what I thought was love but was in fact abuse by so many,  in the park that sat on the waterfront's edge.  Abuse was not a friend but I welcomed it as it was comfort that I understood and knew what was expected of me.

I had no one but my food to talk to...no one would listen and I was to ashamed to speak out.  Liar, bitch and whore were words that were flung at me so often that it seems easier to shut up and put up with it.

Food listened...it kept me warm, made me feel whole and never judged me.

I just wanted love.

Saturday night, once my babies were all in bed asleep those feeling came back.  

The emptiness, the sadness, most of all the hurt and shame.  It was taunting me.

Before I realised it, I was taking comfort in my old friend.  

Allowing it to take control and warm me again.  

Quickly I threw what I had in front of me in the bin and cried for what seemed hours.  

I will not let the past come back to torture my soul again.  

I am in control of my life, not the actions off those I trusted as a 14 year old girl.  

This is my life and YOU and your cruelty will never be welcome in my life again.

I wont allow it.  I am stronger, I am better and I happier.

Those people from my past are no longer there in my life to hurt me.

As I threw the last piece of bread into the bin...I realised how much I loved and missed my husband right at that moment.

He is my strength, my energy, my pea's to his carrot's.

He is my oxygen.....he is my love.

I asked Bahh to promise me something this weekend past...on my old spot.  

That is when ever she feels like she cant talk to anyone,

 if she feels like her world doesn't have colour in it anymore  

to PLEASE come to me.

She asked me why

My answer 

Because I will never judge you, never turn my back on you, I will believe in you

most of all

I will ALWAYS love you

My small goal gift

Date:	24 December 2012
Time:	09:20
Location:	Shepparton Donor Centre 94 Fryers St Shepparton-Mooroopna VIC 3630

this my friends is my gift back to the universe.

An awesome chicky...lets call her McGee made herself a chart of sorts, counting down until she reached her goal and is rewarding herself with a brand spanky new bike to ride.  This chick is phenomenal. She has climbed mountains, done the hard yards, burpee's included (ohh the swearing) and has lost an amazing 60..yes 60 friggen kg's.  I need a piece of that pie..I need a piece of that arse!

I took note, have made a little worship plaque which right bang smack in the middle is my count down chart.

I have 4kg's to get count down until I am double figures for the first time since I was married.  I will and I can do this!

I have set the goal to be accomplished by the 24th of December...my Christmas gift to myself.

I have no need for anything.  

I have a truly wonderful husband, 4 beautiful, insane and captivating children who give me reasons to smile, laugh and scream everyday.  

A wonderful family of support and love from my beautiful friends.  Wonderful close friendships with a few woman who 'know' me and who I am.

I have my life, my health and a heart full of happiness.

I prefer to give then receive...those who know me know what I'm like.

I'm the secret squirrel who organises gifts, surprises and love.

I get more out of someones happiness then having something sitting here collecting dust.

A smile, a hug and simple hello, how are you is worth far more then any millions in the bank.

I maybe injured atm but I am not letting that put any wall's up.

I WILL be making sure that my count down gets marked down to that magic number.

I wont be backing out either way.  I am committed and I will do this!

A 'gift' was emailed to me today...a picture of myself in Sydney that was taken after I was glamed up.

I had to do a double take.

who the hell is this chick?

I don't recognise her....wait I know those forehead squint lines and that cocky right eye raising thing.

Normally I would sit here and pick shit out of this picture...how chubby my face looks, how I have bag's, how shit and thin my lips look and my horrible moles that live on my face.

BUT

normally doesn't exist anymore.

I am in awe of myself.

My skin looks fresh, I have a glint in my eye, my hair is long and looks hot

I look happy

know why

cause for the first time in years I actually AM happy.

Free from negative forces

Free from stress

Free from terrible food.

I love life and all it has for me.

Live it, do it, love it

xx