44 bottles of vodka on the wall....44 bottle of......

 Notice anything in any of these pictures????

There seems to be a glass or bottle attached to my hand in every one of them.

Party girl Maz...yep that's me.

I'm stupid enough normally.  No really I am.  I fall over my feet and trip over shit all the time.  

This morning alone on my walk I stumbled over my feet 3 times. Stupid footpath!

Having my hands crushed in a conveyor belt in a packing shed all those years ago don't help when my hands give way.  

Shit seems to spew from my mouth in the form of dumb words and stuttering 

while unco-ness moves me ugly.

Then WHY of WHY do I add alcohol to the mix.

hmmmm

I love the buzz, the high in my head.  It gives me ball's!!!!

Yep I love the feeling of feeling like I am king shit alcohol gives me.  

I love the taste...ohhh how I love the taste.

LOVE vanilla vodka and lemonade.

I could so have that feed into me via tube but then I would miss the sensation of letting it flow down my throat and my taste buds wouldn't be dancing naked in my mouth.

I can dance all night with a drink in my hand..jump up, scream, sing and be merry.

Its a drug. One that I can obtain legally and without a prescription.

I love the how the first drink slides down your throat and soccer punches your gutt.

The warmth that follows from the drinks there after.

The memories that you have and hold.

I don't however like the effects it has on my mind and my body.

Waking up in the morning and feeling like the cat shit in your mouth isn't attractive

Having to have 1L of water just to clean out the crusties in the first half hour

The toxicity of your urine that morning after

GROG BOG from HELL from all the shit you ate while you were to busy getting happy

Being bloated and sluggish

Wanting to attack your face with sandpaper to take off all the dead and dull skin and not to mention hacking your face with a pitch fork to take out those pimples and blackheads.

Not to mention the empty calories in the foods you down the hatch and the artificial sweeteners and toxins you flow through your body due to it.

I made a promise to someone after the Sydney finale.

This someone is a person I have a hell of allot of respect for.  

She never asks for anything, she gives care, love and tenderness with her words.

I have a silent respect for her and stalk her *wink* with a crazy passion.

She's not one to gloat or do things to make others uncomfortable 

but she's made an impact of a few girls lives that I know.

So when she said no drinking Round 4 Maz...I listened, stood up and accepted the challenge.

I thought

FUCK

what the hell have I put myself up to do??!!!!

I cant do Christmas parties without a drink or 5

I cant do Christmas without a beer, shandy or my favourite vodka.

I cant do New Year's without drinking with hubby in hopes to have naughty count down together.

SHIT

I cant do my birthday without a wine or bottle of moscatto!

What I didn't realise was

I can do Christmas parties with water and friendly chattering

I can do Christmas with a flavoured mineral water in my champagne glass with my family

I can do New Years and a naughty count down not shitfaced

and

If I can do my birthday without a cake

I can and I will do it without wine.

most of all

I didn't realise how easy it actually was to not drink.

If I have learnt anything from the last 10 weeks and this round its that

My health is important...drinking mask's so many emotions and hides so much anger.

Ive released them and my health and my happiness is rising above it all.

By no means does it mean I will never have a drink again

I will never say that

BUT

I have learnt that I don't need to drink

To make myself feel

Important, loved, happy and social.

I can just be me.

Setting goals...f'curry chicken

Goals....what the hell are those?

Are they like promises we make and then break to our selves?

Those empty little things we agree to that we slowly back out of at the last minute

 cause we're scared shitless?

I made a vow for R1 - 2013 to finally make me some of these 'goals' and stick to my word.  I wont do big WOO HOO look at me, my shit is HOT goals...no no, I think I'll start with the small stuff, back to basic's and work my way up from there.

A wonderful friend posted a weekly goal board for herself. It was realistic, achievable and hit me between the eyes.  Hell yes!  Thats the shit I'm talking about!  But what the hell do you put on a list that has 12 vacancies and you can only think of 2 things??  Im more of a free spirit in that department. Yeah I plan stuff, organise things for the kids and hubby but me...mehhhh to hard department.  

What do I really really want to do for me? 

What would I like to achieve and how can I push myself that little bit to get a fist punch or 4?

I dont want to make it about numbers...that does my head in but its something that I want to over come.  I realise that the program consist's of weigh in's, measuring, bottling your farts and I want to be able not to be consumed by them so I dont crack the shits and walk away with my hands in the air in defeat like I did in R2 - 2012.  

Week 1 - 11th feb - get back out and walking my 6.5km's a week. Learn to strap my knee
Week 2 - 18th feb - take compliments without looking down. smile and say thank you.  Its all positive
Week 3 - 25th feb - be back up to running 500m without stopping (small steps)
Week 4 - 4th mar - Tuff mudder cow mud run - Shepparton Sunday 10th
Week 5 - 11th mar - be back to drinking 3L of water a day, EVERY DAY
Week 6 - 18th mar - swim 100m at the pool without stopping
Week 7 - 25th mar - Donate blood 12.30 - Wednesday 27th - run 1km non stop
Week 8 - 1st apr -  do 10 toe pushups. .yes scarey shit!!!
Week 9 - 8th apr - re evauluate my diet and make sure that I am keeping on track
Week 10 - 15th apr - swim 200m at the pool without stopping
Week 11 - 22nd apr - run 2km's non stop
Week 12 - 29th apr - Hopefully I have gotten myself down to 90kg's this round and done accomplished on this list.

There done and done.  I did it, its only taken me 4 hours to complete.  Man its not easy I tell you.  

Now im off to the shed to go find the weight bench and weights.  Time to tone and get organised peeps.

27 dresses

You know the movie...the chick is always the bridesmaid, running around for everyone else whilst she's ignoring her own feelings and insecurities.
This week saw me struck down with gastro. Thank god it was only 24 hours but WOW the DOM's from that have stayed with me big time.
I asked my eldest if he could grab me a DVD to watch in bed cause knowing dam will if I got up, Id have a trail or offal behind me.
In he comes with 27 dresses.  LOVE LOVE LOVE (yes he is son of the week at the moment)

I stupidly have this thing in my head when I'm watching a chick flick about comparing it to my own life. And before you say, yes i know its 'make believe' but it makes me think alright. #stickstongueout

Movie - me  (you'll get the picture)

Single woman, no kids  - married mum to 4
High profile career - casually employed and runs own business
Insecure -  content and happy
Wanting love - living married bliss (even after 13 years)
Using friends - awesome friends

Always the Bridesmaid - Only the Bride

Then this scene got me!!!!

I pissed myself.

I just thought how friggen funny.  For years my wardrobe consisted of over sized unstylish sacks from the PLUS size range, which I might add the designers have NO FRIGGEN IDEA!!!! Seriously what over sized lady wants to wear a crop friggen top with short shorts??? FUCK NO!!!!!  AND in saying that being bigger doesn't mean we're shorter int eh body, we need LENGTH people, length so that our tops don't sit above our gunt and make it a  table runner for our stomach. We may be big but it doesn't mean we like to flaunt it. grrr enough Maz #slapsface, rant over!!!

I always wanted a closet full of pretty dresses.  One's that were big, bright, flouncy and beautiful but most off all fitted without thinking crap their goes the zipper whilst trying to put it on.

These were my dressy clothes. 

I never said anything but I use to look at my friends who wore gorgeous dresses and their perfect hair with envy.  I was happy for them but inside all I wanted was to be happy and comfortable like them.  

One thing I silent promised myself was that I would buy myself a pretty dress when they would fit me.  First one I bought was hot pink.  I nervously took it out of its package and sat holding it for ages, scared shitless off what I had done.  I dont wear dresses especially a fucking pink one.  Pink wasnt my colour...what the hell was I doing??!!!  Putting it on the zipper didnt quiet do up.  Yep I felt a bit deflatted BUT hung the dress in my wardrobe with a promise to myself that I would fit into it, sooner then later.

 This is said pink dress, boobs squished in - back in April 2012 when the zipper finally did up 

This is same pink dress, with a beach towel stuffed into the boob area to keep it up

(excuse hair pits)

Ive since bought dresses for finale's and on whim's which hang in my wardrobe whispering, wear me, wear me.  I dont have the occasion's to go out for a fancy meal with hubby to wear one of them but every now and then, they come out to play to help me realise how far Ive come since that pink dress.

Dressing up it lots of fun, especially when there have been dresses in the collection that were to small to squeeze into and all of a sudden the swish about you with room.  I recommend it to anyone. My confidence is boosted, I feel pretty and its a friggen fantastic way to take away any blues you have.

Life just gets better and better every day.

Naked truth

To be able to find your feet, find your purpose you need to strip away the baggage and camouflage.

Ever looked in the mirror and thought my god what am I thinking, I don't like ......

yeah you get my point.

One thing I have learnt from the past year is to except me for me. 

Amazing how much, one lady with a plan (yes Michelle Bridges I'm  talking about you) helped me not just physically but mentally.

I have for far to long tried to be someone I'm not to make others comfortable and happy.  Always placing other peoples happiness before my own only to have friendships dissolve because I never spoke the truth about how they saw me, about what I truly felt at certain times. 

In the process I've taken away my inner happiness, losing who I truly and who I want to be.

I critised myself, my appearance my body and mind for far to long.  

Losing myself to the depressing state of mist that became of me.

Today I decided to take away the layers, take away the obstacles and see who I really am.

I am a woman with a drive for life.

Health and well being for myself has become a very big priority.

I may not have the perfect, sculpted body, I have saggy bits, wrinkles and huge feet.

But I have self love, self esteem and new found lust for life.

I hold my head high when I walk because I am happy with the beauty that I see and feel around me.

I may not be attractive for some, there would be quiet a few people out there who would find my pictures disgusting but you know what, those people can own that. 

And honestly - I don't care.  

I am me.

I wont have the perfect flat belly that so many strive for.

I wont have the perfect perk boob's of a 16 year old.

Stretch mark's cover my body

But for me

Its my bodies journal

Each note and mark reminding me of how I got to where I am now.

The events that changed my life

Sometimes for the bad, sometimes for the good.

The memories of a life time 

No greater book can be written.

I love me

for

me

xxx

Low flying ducks....beware

This weekend has been a shocker.   I feel so flat and tired...where the hell did my energy go???

Admittedly I did work thursday, friday and saturday night and although its only 3 1/2 hours, its hot in the shop there isn't any time to sit and enjoy smelling the roses if you know what I mean.  I'm often in wonder at my bosses who work such long hours there..they amaze me that they repeat the same routine day in day out without complaining.

Yesterday I felt like utter shit and sat on the couch for most of it, fighting within myself not to raid the fridge.  I gave up at 3 and had a sandwich, then a lamb chop.  Last night I sat and ate ice cream straight from its container....WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I don't do that shit.  Am I insane!!!  I just worked my arse off for weeks and weeks to get under 100kg's and I have no doubt that I have blown it come this wednesday.

Disappointed in myself is an understatement.  And before you start with the give yourself a break shit, I want you to know why I feel like this.

• I started this to change my life, our lives.  
• When I say I am doing something, I stick to it and get really pissed off at myself for not following through
• I'm trying to lead by example - I want my children to see that being healthy is normal and eating stupidly isn't.
• I feel bloated, lethargic and crap when I over eat.
• my tummy hurts like no other and I often end up on the toilet atleast 6 times the following day, which then aggravates where the cyst on my bowel was...scare tissue on  you toss is very uncomfortable
• I find that once I start binging, cause lets face it, that's exactly what it is, I cant stop.  the feeling at the time is to shove as much food into my mouth as I can and then sit there afterwards wondering why the hell I did that.  Bit like having sex without climaxing.....CRAP!!!!

Its the after that gets me....like today.  I feel depressed over my inability to control my willpower muscle.  No excuses, no poor me's.  I need to get a grip and control.

Preseason task's for round 1 - 2013 came out this morning.  This morning saw me start as if the program is all new to me.
Perhaps I got to comfortable in the program??  The last 2 rounds have seen me brush over the preseason tasks with a mehhhh in my head.  After this weekend I will be starting them afresh, with clear eyes and ears.

This are some of the points recapped from Michelle's video this morning.

• Now is the time to take full responsibility for yourself, your body and how you think.

YES YES and YES!!!!  I am the only one responsible for what I take in and what I give.  I need to be clear that this is about ME and me only.  I will listen to what my body is telling me and tune out any negative talk that comes up in my crazy head.

• It’s time to reflect on how you see yourself and any self sabotaging habits you possess.

hmmmm I honestly don't know how I see myself atm.  I know I am capable of getting off my arse and doing, I just need to block that little bastard that gets in my head and says, fuck it chick you can do it tomorrow.    As fro habits, well this weekend showed me that as much as we think we have changed we can still cave when we are weak. I need to nip that shit in the bud before it spirals out of control.

• I cannot want this for you. I cannot get you your results. Only YOU can do this for yourself.

#nodsbigtime  yes.  Totally and utterly agree.  Although I feel the program keeps me on track and helps me stay accountable I need to remember that this is about ME and I am my biggest support.  I cant do this without me.

• You’ve got to let go of your excuses. You’ve used them for so long you probably believe them, you’ve enrolled others to believe them too.

I don't have excuses, I am accountable for all my stuff ups.  I'm the first to say it too. 

• If you want to transform yourself, you’ve got to clear these excuses and make way for a breakthrough.

Yes had the break through, finally this round.  It was the biggest light bulb moment I have ever had.

• Don’t rely on motivation, make exercise part of your day.

And that there is where I feel I have stuffed up since Christmas.  First there was my injury which is still shitting me no end (my knee still hurts) and then I got so sick with the inner ear infection and throat infection that I feel I lost it a bit.  I need to get back into my mornings and set a plan of attack so I don't feel so flat.  Day's without my morning workout's feel shit.  I feel utterly crap when I haven't started my day with my hour to me.

There will be loads of things I will be doing different next round, one of them will be to set my self weekly goals and accomplishments.  The other will be to make sure that I don't want to eat the arse out of a low flying duck pre TTOM again.

99 and not out

Well I've done it!

1 year

1 week

6 days

 I have gone from

130kg's

to

99.9kg's

30.1kg's gone.

I have been wanting to be under that 100kg mark, to see those double digits for so long that I think I lost the excitement in the process. 

I don't know how I feel atm.

A little overwhelmed, disbelief, shock maybe?

I got on the scales, saw my numbers and thought to myself

Well there you fucking go....99.9 now what??

What was I expecting a friggen parade, a marching band to magically appear with cheerleaders chanting

GO MAZ, GO MAZ

GO

GO GO MAZ

The build up to this moment has been massive.  I plateaued for so long and finally got my shit together this round to see the numbers drop like they haven't before.

Injury didn't stop me...I wasn't having any of that.

When I reached under 104 I cried cause I was stuck on that number for so long that I thought, like all the other times that I would sit there and watch it go up and depress me more.

When I got on last week and saw 100.3 I nearly lost my shit. OMFG how could I be so close and yet so far...my god was it really going to happen.

I realise we all say its not about the numbers and that this is our new lifestyle, that we should be happy we are alive and free of the toxin's that we had in our lives before hand.

BUT

when you are doing a program that you are paying your hard earned $$$ for you want results and those results are to see your weight and measurements drop.  Its a little to hard NOT to think about it and yes it totally fucks with your head when nothing happens.  Especially when you know you ate what was left on the kids plates yet again on top of your meal, you drank to many coffee's or not enough water.

We WANT to see those numbers going down.

Feeling a bit numb.  What now?

The focus for the last year has been to get to here, to the now.

shit I still cant believe it 99.9kg's...how does that happen?  

What goal's do I set myself now?

ohhh to much to think about...my brain is hurting.

I'm tired.

Stuff it, time to go to the wardrobe and play dress ups.

I bought this TS dress mid 2011 to 'hide' in.  I could wear it and cover one of the long tunic's over the top.  I actually took it to Sydney with me and wore it heaps.

It was tight, it hugged my tummy, my back boobs, my shoulder hump and it was tight on my arms, tight to the point of cutting in slightly.  

In the picture you can see that the left arm is higher up then the right....that's where it use to sit on me before hand.  Now, its a sack :)

the last time I wore this dress was when I was 23...15 years ago at my sister in laws deb.  I haven't been able to fit into it since then.  Yep I can see my gunt sticking out in its lovely glory BUT #blowsrasberry I can get it on, zip it up and walk in it :)

this singlet was as a stable item in my wardrobe.  I wore it in summer with another singlet under it, grabbing the front of it and trying to stretch it enough so my gutt wouldn't stick out.

In winter I wore a long sleeved top under it to keep warm.  Its um....nice and airy #winkwink now with ample fabric to flow about me while I walk.

this little number isn't that old. I bought it this late last year. It was a little tight but comfortable...seems now it might be a little to comfortable for next winter.  The arms have gotten quiet roomy and its not suffocating my boob jalobbies like it did.

Ohhh meee ohhh my

this would have to be my favourite  outfit of them all.

These leggings are City Chic XL. They were so tight that I ripped a hole in the right leg trying to get them on last year.  I wore these puppies to death in the early stages of my life change.  They have been my companion for 100's of km's, holding me when I thought I couldn't go anymore, cheering me on when my legs started to shuffle.

Now, they are like wearing a pair of trackies, they are comfy and baggy.

Now the top...my Best friend, sister for life bought this for me in a very dark stage of my life.

It was tight and I remember being in the elevator looking down thinking shit this top is tight but loving it because she was with me.  It has to be one of the best birthday presents I have EVER received from anyone.

My happy top as I refer to it gets put on when I'm feeling like I'm lost, when I'm blue and I need my best friend to hug me.  She's here with me :)

Today, its sitting gathered while I type this blog post.  No longer showing off how big I am but hugging me with room to move.

After all of that, I still don't feel it.....Think I need to think of the square and see what happens.

xx

Rewarding one's self

So many peep's reward themselves with something when they reach a specific weight milestone.  A celebration of what was and what is now. Some buy themselves Pandora, new clothes, a facial or treat themselves to a mini get away.

I weighed in yesterday at 100.3kg's ....  700grams off 100kg's and 700 grams off me having lost 30kg's since I began this new life.

Now whilst other's treat and buy themselves the above mentioned items I rewarded myself in an entirely different way.

I donated 500ml of my blood, for the first time.

Yeah I know I can hear people saying, what a friggen idiot...that's not a reward but let me explain my madness.

In the past I have been told that I have bad vein's, that they collapse easily and that I will never be able to give blood.  Totally and utterly due to my unhealthy lifestyle.  I ate high sugar, salty, over fried foods that didn't nourish my body.  I drank heavily and filled my body with cigarette smoke as well.

Today I was told although I have deep vein's, I have very juicy and great one's.  My blood flow was really fast and no issues what so ever with finding the vein in my arm.  The poor lady had me as her first patient and my vein decided to go deep so someone else was called and my right arm was then used.  Vein found, first pop.  Its a huge reflection on how well I have been treating my body with eating correctly and exercising. There is no way out of cheating it, no way of disguising the truth.  

How great of a reward is that?

Normally I have had to have an XL cuff placed on my arm due to the size of them.....today I almost started crying when the nurse placed the cuff on me, overlapping it to fit.  She looked at my puzzled and asked if I was alright.  I just grind like a foul and explained how much weight I had lost and this my reward.  She was smiling from ear to ear and hugged me.  I never felt so warm and gooshy in my life.  I later heard her talking to another donor explaining why I was there.  They both looked over to me smiling and the donor gave me the thumbs up.

Sitting on the seat was lovely :)  I actually had room on either side of my thighs to put my hands instead of my bum flopping over and trying to digest it like it use to.  Its a weird feeling when the little things get you high...its like you've been in fog for so long and all of a sudden there's a clear patch.  

Most of all, knowing that my donation might help save someone in need is the ultimate reward of all.  I'm a bit of a secret squirrel with doing things...alot of my friends know what I'm like and for me, to be able to donate anonymously is just....well its just like Christmas for a 5 year old. 

There is no greater gift to give in my eyes.

Now...I have to think of something just as awesome and full filling for my next goal reward.  

Luckily I have plenty of time to think of it, its still 20kg's away....if you do have any idea's, 

feel free to post below 

xxx

12 in 2012

Inspired by a gorgeous gal who always seems to make my heart smile.

Kirsty recently posted 12 awesome, positive and arse kicking things she accomplished in 2012.  This woman amazes me with her heart, her ability to get up and GO and most of all, the selfless love and friendship she gives.

Kirsty honey - this is for you...these are my 12 for 2012.

1.  Stopped eating salty, takeaway food.  It wasn't easy, I lived for Fridays but I had to make a stand.  Takeaway night changed to homeawaynight...were we made our own healthy versions of the food we use to pay over the top prices for and over the top fat to my arse for.

2.  May of this year saw me get on a Train heading for Melbourne to celebrate the end of Round 1 - 2012 with an awesome finale.  I had an absolute ball at the work out, meeting Michelle was quiet overwhelming and my normal big mouth self was lost for words.

I felt so out of my comfort zone that night dressed up.  I'm a tracky and singlet sort of gal and here I was with my boob's around my throat, hair done and makeup to the hilt.....I made a silent exit after all the announcements and went back to my hotel room relieved that it was over but over the moon that I got the ball's to go.

3.  I began to feel confident again and even began working casually in June.  I am still working at the same place and love that I feel like I'm not only contributing to my families needs, I feel human again and with more purpose then just being a mum.  The girls I work with are awesome and the bosses are amazing.  I cant believe I have been there over 6 months already

4.  June saw me going to the Gold Coast with a beautiful bunch of woman who mean the world to me. I went out, drank, sang karaoke and had a friggen blast all in my 3 inch heels, all night!!!!  I am HANGING for this June to do it all over again with them.

5.  After alot of soul searching I found that I needed to be honest to me and decided to clear away the negative friendships that had poisoned my system over the last few years.  At first I thought I had made the wrong decision but after a week I felt the relief as the weight of their bullshit was cleared and never to be heard by me again.

6.  I lost almost 30 friggen kg's!!!!!!  Can you believe that shit cause I still cant!!!!!

7.  My relationship with Jed has heated up a few notches to say the least.  We are more open to each other's needs, talk so much more then we use to and simply, just have a ball when were are together.  I couldn't of done the last 12 month's without his support and love.

8.  I didn't have to get the extension strap for my seat belt on the plan in November.  In fact I had to tighten the bastard.  Can you believe that!!! Please note HOT looking Peggy black milk leg's and size 16 mini skirt #cheesiegrin

9.  Whilst in Sydney I faced quiet a few fears.  One was my enormous fear of heights and bridges....I did both in one 3 hour session.  I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge...in the rain...on a cold windy night.  I will never forget the feeling I had doing it.  I shat myself so much before getting in to the prep room, my HRM was 125 sitting down but once up there, I was king of the world.  I burnt a massive 1700 calories in that 3 hour stint

10.  I attended the finale workout and after party for round 3 and partied like I haven't in ages.  I drunkenly danced the night away, took lots of photo's, photo bombed other's pictures (as you do).  I laughed, hugged and sang my heart out with so many awesome woman that night.  I clapped and teared up to those wonderful woman on stage who worked their arses off and achieved so much.

11.  I found my running feet....ohhh mee ohhh my how I loved the freedom and the feeling of it.  I began the 10km running program on the 12MBT and was loving it, until I face planted fairly badly.  My ego wasn't pushed down, my confidence was though and my ability to get over the pain defently was.  I'm still suffering now, my knee wont allow me to run far (yes I've tried) but I am not giving up.  I refuse to let it get the better of me.


12.  Most important thing I have learnt and gained for 2012.  To love and respect myself.  To listen to what my heart says and go with it.  Not to be tied down to one thing and let the wind take me with it.  Life is far to short for the what could of been's...it should be about what can be and what you can do.


What will 2013 - 13 bring?  I have a few things up my sleeve and I cant wait for them to present themselves to the universe.

New Year...new me..what now???

Ive taken some time out from the world of the net over the last week.
Taken my self away from the network of support and love that I have grown to see as a second family.

Why?

Firstly being sick like no other didn't help.  Throat infection PLUS inner ear infection making for a very miserable Christmas with no food consumed for 4 days.  No food makes for grumpy and crabby Maz let me tell you.

Secondly, I took the advice of a few of those who have been down this road before me (yes I listened) and took some time to reflect on the last year and to where I would like to see myself in a years time.

I had some major thinking time...omg it friggen hurt bahaha...no seriously, it scared the living shit out of me.  I think I doubted myself, my abilities for so long that getting to where I am now was like a dream that I thought would never happen.  I did this, no one else.  I got up off my arse, worked it and made my life happen.  I must be so proud is something flung about quiet often ... hmm no proud isn't the right word for me.  Stunned perhaps, delighted, empowered yes, proud....nahhhh.  I took both hands and took control of my life.  I don't want to be like others in my life, one being 190kg's and sitting on the couch barking order's for others to support her food addiction.  I don't want to have diabetes, heart problems and knocking on deaths door. I looked in the mirror a year ago and her reflection was looking back at me, laughing at me saying, ha ha your Miss Piggy now too.  Fuck that, NO WAY!!!!

Why did I join the MB12wbt was one question I have asked myself continuously over the last week.
As much as its a team sport, this is very much about me.  Yep, ME!  I maybe being selfish about this right now but before I joined I knew no-one doing the program. Yes I have meet some awesome, arse kicking, powerhouse woman via it but they are doing it for the same purpose.  Not to sit around and sing kumbaya together, that's just a bonus.  We are here to get our lives back, to regain purpose and adventure back into our lives.  Its all about us taking control, us being ourselves and cleaning our lives up.  I work hard, try my hardest to follow the plan to a T.  Yeah I screw up, I'm human but I get myself back up after kicking my own arse and get back into it.   I joined this program to educate myself, to help guide me to be a better, healthier, happier person, all for ME.

As much as I love the finale, at this point its a cost that I simply can not afford financially, mentally and family wise.  Its the beginning of the new school year. I have 1 starting high school for the first time that week, 2 back at primary school and 1 at kinder.  It would completely selfish of me to go away, at a time when my children, my life, my purpose need me the most.  New routines, new structures need to be formed and this mama likes to be there to help and nurture her babies when they need me.  Financially its a no go.  Between school fee's, new uniform's, school book's its just way to much.  The finale is a fantastic party BUT it is not the means all and end's all of the program.  While its awesome to meet up with everyone and glam up I didn't join the program for the party.  I didn't spend $220 just to go to an awesome party. Its an on going cost, a little for what I have achieved but as there are no discounts for rejoining every round it add's up after a few rounds.  Don't get me wrong, its worth every cent but priorities are there for reasons and to be swept up and away in the finale party is just something I cant do this time round.  The 'budget' for such a weekend is around $1000.. It may not be a vast amount for some but for me.....its just pushing it a bit for me this round.

So New Year what now?
I'm going to continue with MB12wbt and take in the advice and help that Michelle and her team have given me over the last year.  I want to continue feeling good, get my fitness back up and going where it was before my fall and I want to concentrate more on the me factor.  I wont be competing with others as concentrating on what makes me click and my inner happiness is what I need.  I want to support and inspire myself with what I achieve, continue to believe I am important and continue to love myself.