Ive taken some time out from the world of the net over the last week.
Taken my self away from the network of support and love that I have grown to see as a second family.
Firstly being sick like no other didn't help. Throat infection PLUS inner ear infection making for a very miserable Christmas with no food consumed for 4 days. No food makes for grumpy and crabby Maz let me tell you.
Secondly, I took the advice of a few of those who have been down this road before me (yes I listened) and took some time to reflect on the last year and to where I would like to see myself in a years time.
I had some major thinking time...omg it friggen hurt bahaha...no seriously, it scared the living shit out of me. I think I doubted myself, my abilities for so long that getting to where I am now was like a dream that I thought would never happen. I did this, no one else. I got up off my arse, worked it and made my life happen. I must be so proud is something flung about quiet often ... hmm no proud isn't the right word for me. Stunned perhaps, delighted, empowered yes, proud....nahhhh. I took both hands and took control of my life. I don't want to be like others in my life, one being 190kg's and sitting on the couch barking order's for others to support her food addiction. I don't want to have diabetes, heart problems and knocking on deaths door. I looked in the mirror a year ago and her reflection was looking back at me, laughing at me saying, ha ha your Miss Piggy now too. Fuck that, NO WAY!!!!
Why did I join the MB12wbt was one question I have asked myself continuously over the last week.
As much as its a team sport, this is very much about me. Yep, ME! I maybe being selfish about this right now but before I joined I knew no-one doing the program. Yes I have meet some awesome, arse kicking, powerhouse woman via it but they are doing it for the same purpose. Not to sit around and sing kumbaya together, that's just a bonus. We are here to get our lives back, to regain purpose and adventure back into our lives. Its all about us taking control, us being ourselves and cleaning our lives up. I work hard, try my hardest to follow the plan to a T. Yeah I screw up, I'm human but I get myself back up after kicking my own arse and get back into it. I joined this program to educate myself, to help guide me to be a better, healthier, happier person, all for ME.
As much as I love the finale, at this point its a cost that I simply can not afford financially, mentally and family wise. Its the beginning of the new school year. I have 1 starting high school for the first time that week, 2 back at primary school and 1 at kinder. It would completely selfish of me to go away, at a time when my children, my life, my purpose need me the most. New routines, new structures need to be formed and this mama likes to be there to help and nurture her babies when they need me. Financially its a no go. Between school fee's, new uniform's, school book's its just way to much. The finale is a fantastic party BUT it is not the means all and end's all of the program. While its awesome to meet up with everyone and glam up I didn't join the program for the party. I didn't spend $220 just to go to an awesome party. Its an on going cost, a little for what I have achieved but as there are no discounts for rejoining every round it add's up after a few rounds. Don't get me wrong, its worth every cent but priorities are there for reasons and to be swept up and away in the finale party is just something I cant do this time round. The 'budget' for such a weekend is around $1000.. It may not be a vast amount for some but for me.....its just pushing it a bit for me this round.
So New Year what now?
I'm going to continue with MB12wbt and take in the advice and help that Michelle and her team have given me over the last year. I want to continue feeling good, get my fitness back up and going where it was before my fall and I want to concentrate more on the me factor. I wont be competing with others as concentrating on what makes me click and my inner happiness is what I need. I want to support and inspire myself with what I achieve, continue to believe I am important and continue to love myself.