Road map of Happiness

For years I would sit and wish I had stretch marks, like other's from being pregnant my 4 children.

But my tummy was far to bloated, large and round to see them.

It had made its own form of botox, filling in the lines, hiding them from me.

Now I know many woman HATE them...hate the colour, the feel and how unattractive they make them feel and look.

Hate how they cant wear a short top because their ugliness is visible to the world for all to see.

I remember going to a friends house when I was 13 and being utterly fascinated at my friends mum.

Here she was, a slender woman, short shorts on and a top tied under her breasts with her tummy bare, revealing her mass of stretch marks.

I remember thinking how beautiful she was, being comfortable with how she looked and even now I'm seeing her with a glow about her.

I often reflect back to the confidence she held, the grace she held for her self.

It may just have been one of the most beautiful things I saw as a teenager growing up.

Not one word did she say to me but the positive influence she had on me that day was something that I have never forgotten, even when I had so many self destructing influences about me at the time.

I held onto it.

Over the last year Ive noticed alot of changes in me.

The large roll of fat on both my inner thigh's is now in line with my leg's.

My gunt as much as it frustrates me, is slowly shrinking and clapping less

AND

today while getting out of the shower

I stopped and caught a glimpse of myself as the sun shone in through the window to 

highlighted parts of me.

I have stretch marks...thick silver lines of love over my stomach.

Touching them I smile.

They feel smooth, pure and silky almost.  

I let my fingers follow them and feel a warmth in my heart.

Its like Ive discovered another part of myself again.

Another trail, path in the woods of my tangled life has opened up.

Just when I think I cant find anything else to discover or learn from myself

Something from the blue, like my new stretch marks come and explode happiness into my veins.

Happy Easter to me

xxx

Hair today, gone tomorrow

3 years ago I had long hair...until one day Wil in one of his fits of rage, grabbed it, pulled me down and proceeded to kick me in the head.

5 minutes after regaining control over the situation and calming him down, 

I walked into the bathroom and chopped of my plait, 

taking away his ability to do the same again.

After growing it back out ever since I decided I needed a new style, a new look to go with the newly found me.

This week I took the plunge and cut my hair.

Now I realise hair is hair, it grows back.  It never replaces the person you are within.

All I ever thought while I was larger was how my hair took the shine away from my butt, from my bulging tummy.  My hair was 'my thing'.  It was long, lushes..made me feel pretty, sensual.  People always commented on how long and lovely my hair was.  

It was my camouflage and sponge.

Hiding my emotion's like my nervous laugh use to.

Soaking up my insecurities and holding fast onto negativity's.

I didn't think anyone would understand the importance of letting go of the hair.

Until I spoke to someone about it a few nights ago and she asked why I wasn't going to share my new look openly. 

 I wanted to keep it a surprise for people when they saw me in the flesh next was my excuse.  

When really, I was trying to hold onto the last part of being the old me.

Why was I doing that?  

Ive come so far yet here I was scared shitless yet again. 
Her question slapped me and woke me up.

Truth be known
I was scared of looking like this again

As if by cutting away my hair I'd suddenly put all the weight back on
All my past issue's would come knocking on my door to invite themselves back into my life
Scared that Id reverse any of the positive things I had achieved and accomplished would simply disappear into thin air and the last 16 months would off been a dream.

Sitting in the chair at the hair dressers I made myself really look at me.
Yep crows feet, wrinkles, bags but happy lines.
Its almost like the goodness that I feel inside is coming out via my face.
My skin is the clearest its been since my pre teenage years
I never noticed how pointy my chin was or how high my cheek bones actually are
I always thought I had a big round face 
(was teased at high school for it for years and it broke me for a long time)
 hubby told me its more like a love heart (with a smile)

Head down, watching the length becoming shorter and shorter
I felt the layers of pain, sadness and negativity break free from me.
I didn't have to hide under it all,  didn't have to be that person or will never be the old person anymore.

I'm a newer me.
A better me, inside and out, all over.

 I'm getting use to this new person I came home with last Wednesday.
Feels a bit like wearing a pair of g bangers for the first time.
You know, you feel like you have to pull them out all the time but then you realise no its just the way they are, the way its meant to be.
She's told me she's staying around for a long while.
I'm loving how she makes me feel

To Fly

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive

I came to win, to survive, to proper, to rise

There are moments in life that seem so full on and extreme.

The stress of it all plays with our minds and collapses any formed intelligence we may have built up.

Ive had an awakening over the last few weeks.

I don't know the exact moment it happened but I feel almost....free.

Joining Michelle Bridges 12wbt back in December 2011 I was numb with fear.

I totally shit myself for what I had signed up for.  Fear of the unknown and excitement of the new found feet I was going to be wearing.

I never anticipated how much my life, my being was going to change due to it.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotion's. Getting to the root of so many moments that scared me without even taking notice.  Killing those festering doubts,  feeding the new formed seedlings of the life that was ready to explode out.  The impact of the last year has feed the core of my mind and soul...

once I let myself let go.

Words of wisdom that never soaked into my droughted exterior now run through my veins.

Not worrying about the WHY but just to KNOW and Learn from it has finally feed my brain.

Its amazing to feel....liberating, comforting...happy

I no longer seek gratification in my weight.  Not letting a number dictate to me how I should be feeling.

I have decided that for the remaining weeks of this round of the program I wont weigh in.

I don't feel I need to.

Eating nutritious food, knowing my limits and control are a part of my life now.

Who's to say I wont fail?  is it really failing?  I'm putting in place what I have learnt and been taught over the past 16 months...its natural now...its my lifestyle.

We are humans strive so hard to be perfect...do we learn from being perfect or are we to busy competing with it to really learn from it?

Letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Loosening that grip hold on our selves, one finger at a time to find yourself free falling and stupidly happy is the ultimate feeling.

I am not worried that I am not the fastest runner, that my strength isn't equal to a super hero's or that I'm not a size 10 on the dress scale.

I love that I try, that I have the strength in me to get up and say yes let me give it a go.

I love that I feel alive and empowered with everything physical and positive that I do in my life.

Who would of thought at aged 38 that I would feel this good?  

I'm still learning new things about myself, releasing the pressure's around me, speaking out now.  

There maybe a few little boxes of crap that clutter right in the dark corners of my mind but the wall's that held them in have crumbled and given me such a vibrant, refreshing view now.

Believing in myself has been the ultimate experience.

There will be no more looking back.

Thank you to that special person

who's words of wisdom gave me life

xxx

30 day's of squating.....ohh my thighs!!

This is my challenge atm

30 days worth of squating

What for....do I want that little peekaboo peep hole like pictured??

Do I want an arse of steel?

I defently want an arse....you know, one that is defined by not being joined to my thighs, one that has a break from my back and a nice...round curve 

One that has a line of destinction and not of wobble

Im into day 4 - rest day.  Praise the Lord!!!!

Walking this morning I felt like I pulled a muscle in my left butt cheek.

What the hell is that?  Is that it?  After grunting my way through these bastard of a things!

Why the hell are my thighs screaming PAIN when im bending down for shit now?

Why is that area effected and not my butt?  Brain is clicking in, their all joined right? 

Maybe it will owkr its way upwards??

Making matters worse, I've given myself the task of doing the same amount of crunches as squats.

Yeah Im in a world of fun at the moment.

NO pain NO gain right?

Here's an eviction notice that roll of cellulited fat that has been squating far to long on my inner thighs

You now have 26 day's or you'll be terminated!

Habits

I can tell Autumn is here.

Yesterday there was a fog out on the paddocks.

Today my nose felt like an ice block.

5am isn't warm anymore.....jumpers need to be worn and longer pants to keep the mozzies at bay as well as the cold that creeps along your skin like little fingers tickling you.

Yep its here alright.

I'm counting down the weeks now until day light savings kicks back.  My 5am's will have a little light in them again, the darkness wont be so scary and eerie feeling.  The echoing sounds of my feet wont freak me out as much and more people will be out doing their thing.

I love Saturday mornings.  Seeing party people going home after a long night out on the town.  Remembering how I use to be one of those people, smelling of cigarette smoke and off my nut still.  I wonder now how I functioned the next day now.  How the hell did I live like that??  

Every weekend was the same.

It becomes habit I suppose.  

We get so use to how we live our life a certain way it just becomes the norm.  Is that why we get scared when changes happen? our habit's are turned on their arse and the norm is thrown out the window.  Our thinking changes, our lives change and all of a sudden we think shit why isn't shit running like it use to?  Panic set's in.

I watch my boys, they need routine. Once it's broken and their set way's have been changed, life is black for them.  The fear, the stress in their faces and words screams HELP ME.  They lash out verbally, physically on the world.  New routines need to be placed in gradually rather then replaced all the way, straight away.  

Most of us can reflect on those reactions.  How do we overcome the fear, the mental anguish and inner fighting we put ourselves through?  How do we over come the negative and the harshness that our minds only allow us to see in those times?

*shrugs*  do we just swim and ignore the screaming?  hope and pray that the pain eases quickly and that the new will soon be the norm?  

I was a fighter....I was hellbent on keeping hold of what I could.  I was in control that way.  It was easy for me to sit and whinge about my arse and gutt that poked out and feed my lazy bones.  Far easier to let people think I was pregnant and not fat, humouring people when they asked me when I was due, rubbing my insecure ego.  Hiding behind my scenes of humour and having others laugh at my silly ways.  Standing back in awe of those who actually did something productive, positive for their lives...and hating them all the way for having the confidence, motivation and self worth that I declined to except.

I am still a fighter...I fight a different cause now. 

I'm fighting for my life, for my health and now my happiness.

I am no longer hiding behind the lies I formed.

I no longer loath or hate those who love their lives. I have learnt from them. I smile at their happiness.

I am thankful to them for showing me that habits can be broken and life is worth every part of my being for the happiness it brings.

Things I have learnt this week (this is going to be a Tuesday thing from now one)

• Milk is not a good substitute for water - Ive been drinking far to much off it and my tummy swells like I'm 5 months pregnant when I drink it.  I dont want to go back there (NOOOOO runs and hides)

• There was a really good reason why I stopped eating oranges - eczema has come back under my arms and in spots that just ain't cool.

• Squats are fantastic - even the DOM's after making me feel alive

• Cinema pop corn really taste shit - I had my first taste in over a year this weekend and it was YUCK!

xxMaz

Scary times

Scary shit isn't it!

In the raw baby...no make up hair everywhere (no knot's for a change).

Why am I posting it?

Why am I doing this blog post full stop?

Ive taken a step back from social media this week.  My head has been pissing me off with its 5 day migraine.  Thump thump thump.  Rain has stopped me from my morning 9km down load 2 days in a row,  people's insecurities and what I consider dumb arsed posting's have me wanting to throw my lappy across the room.

I understand we all have our demon's, have shit in us that needs to come out but asking others what changes they have seen in us or freaking out over a 100gram increase in weight totally shits me off.

Those sort of shitty comments play on other people.  

They then begin to judge themselves, 

Their abilities and hello insecurities come out to soccer punch us in the arse!

Asking a group of woman struggling daily with exercise, food intake, 

emotional roller coaster of happy - sad - kill myself feelings,

 what changes they have seen in me is just mind boggling, 

especially when you know the answers already.

IF YOU CANT SEE THE CHANGES - DO SOMETHING

Do not seek justification from others for the bag of chips you sneaked 

own  up to the lack of exercise your not completing

the over thinking you are doing.

Grab a camera and become a selfie whore.  Seek the good stuff!

Begin to nail the excuses on the head yourself.

No one's loving word's, gentle hug's or ahhhhh's are going to get you through it.

Fess up, take fucking control over your life, own shit!

Stop cotton wooling your excuses and finding excuses for everything.

I'm so over these people who are weighing themselves EVERY FUCKING DAY

Are you seriously trying to drive yourself insane?

What the hell are you doing??!!!

Why not just go and play chicken with on coming traffic?

Man - toss that mentality AWAY!  numbers don't mean shit!

This entire process is about changing your life for the better

To eat healthy - regain your life - become fit - get your mind into a positive place

STOP FUCKING WITH YOUR HEAD PEOPLE!!!

Go look in the mirror

Love the person you are - love the work you have put into being a better version of you

stop dwelling the glass half full 

Yep...I can hear you saying Maz stop being a judgemental bitch.

Yep....I'm being harsh dont like it, dont read my blog.

Know what, it has to be said.

I'm sick of PM's, people talking behind the curtains to afraid to step up and say something in case it hurts someones feelings.

WELL

If someone would of said to me fuck Maz what are you doing when I was stuffing my face I wouldn't be the size I was before I changed my ways.

If ONE person would of stepped up and said Maz you have put on so much weight, are you alright

I might of  done something sooner.  Perhaps not at that exact time, I would of been pissed to the max BUT It would of wormed me and no doubt something would of clicked.

Ive seen 2 amazing woman this week do something so selfless and inspiring.

(OMG I hate that word but yes they totally were and are)

Both of them, beautiful regardless shaved their heads for cancer.

I have tear's in my eye's for what they did.

That there is what this shit is about.

Being beautiful regardless of hair, not caring what others think

Beauty is what's in the heart.

They stepped up, owned what they did and gave what was in their hearts.

Both of these woman have changed something in me, my thoughts about life, about things I have considered.  I am totally in awe of them.

Thank you Cathy and Melanie for being...simply...wonderful you!

After 5 days of torture, anger at myself and the world around me

I caved.

I have been on a no coffee life change this round of MB12wbt.

I lasted 39 days.

Hubby told me to get a coffee into me

1 hour later....migraine gone along with shitty mood.

I have to say, it didn't taste as I remembered it

It was quiet blan and not sensational like I remembered

I defently wont be drinking to the capacity I was pre the 39 days but I will endeavour to have a few cups per week from this moment on.

Migraines are friggen torture, even more when you cant take drugs cause you need to drive the kids to and from school.

Yes Ive had a shit week....stress, health, kids, hubby

They all could of kissed my totally screwed up fat arse this week!

Dream finale dress isn't fitting smaller, my arse is hurting, exhaustion..do I need to go one *roll eyes

Due to it,  I did what an awesome chick suggested months ago

I grabbed my camera and hello selfies time.

Time I decided what parts of me I like and to show them off.

I am totally loving my feet.  I had these balloon type things at the ends of my legs for so long that felt spongy...now my kankles have gone and blow me, there's an actual bone there! 

HOLLY SHIT

I have also discovered that I have muscle in my arms.

I had a total freak out at work one night in my blond fog asking my work college what the hell it was.

The roll of fat that use to sit there is so long gone now...I sometimes don't recognise my arms at all.

There isn't a roll of fat that I have to push down and hide from squashing up against the window in the car anymore either.

And bugger me, I have calve muscles not just stumps of legs anymore. The cellulite I have below my knee's has kindly pissed off to.

I HAVE EYE'S!!!!

I don't have these little pig dot's trying to peep out from my fat face anymore.

My eye's ping!!

*special note - please excuse unwaxed brow's...making myself a deal when I get to 90kg's (or finale) I'm seeing my beautician for the works

Ive these strange hollow bits in my shoulder blades and I can feel bones on my chest.

I don't EVER remember feeling them before in my life!!

My size 18DD bra's are to big.

I bought them when I was a 22EE praying like a mad bitch that they might fit me one day

hmmm wonder if I still have a big banger hiding somewhere...*scratches chin

Most of all I love that my granny jocks - size 26, that use to sit in under my gunt and cut in to my legs and cesarean scare are harry high pants now :P

I sometimes don't recognise myself.  I look in the mirror or at photo's others have taken off me and see the old Maz in them.

All I ever wanted was to fit into size 18 cloth's...guess what

size 18 is a little big for me these day's 

Stupidly I still go into the plus size section of the clothes store to buy stuff.

I had a lady look at me funny yesterday in Big W.  I had picked up a top, in my old size (26) and she said I hope your not buying that for you and proceeded to put a size 16 top in my hand.

I laughed her off and quickly ran into the men's section.  I felt stupid.

The feeling never leaves I don't think.  I often feel like a fraud and scared shitless someone is going to out my lie's and deception.  I don't see my self as skinny, I'm still the same person.

The head and mind can be a strange place I tell you.

This is my last selfie for 6 week's.

I'm putting myself on a ban.  I have alot of work to do until finale week (beginning of May)

I want to now be 90kg's

I WILL BE 90kg's by then

I have a few plan's for myself in the next 6 weeks, and well lets just say that this pic might just be the last one of me looking this way.

Here goes nothing and here comes everything

Hi. Im Maz and Im a food-a-holic

Yep you read right.
Just as I thought I had my shit together, I cave and my addiction comes back.

Now before you go telling me to stop being hard on myself or to cut myself some slack,
think about this..
Would you tell an alcoholic, a drug user or sex addict the same?
Would you tell them that its alright, tomorrow is a new day, we all have slip ups?
I don't need sympathy, I don't want a soft pat on the back or to be wrapped in cotton wool.
Yes I have come far and achieved so much...SO??!!! Am I suppose to just think fuck it, Ive done this, I'll just reward myself a little...

well let me tell you something

Food is an addiction.  I don't give a rats red arse what you think or say!
I am continuously battling within myself not to stuff my face atm.  I am thinking about food from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed.
Food is my drug.
I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.
I eat for the taste, I eat cause I can.
Addiction's come back and slap me and tempt me EVERY FUCKING DAY!

This week alone I feel exhausted. Why?  Because I am mentally fighting myself not to have a huge cook up and stuff it into my body to make me feel shit afterwards.  I love the sensation in my mouth when I'm eating something fabulous, the kick of my taste buds going nuts, the feeling pumping through my body. Hell yeah!

I had a reality CLICK in my head driving home yesterday from Melbourne.  I read so many times people are at their tether in a round at week 4 and 5...me included...why? because of the continuous though process we put ourselves through to maintain our new lifestyle. Its bloody exhausting.  Of course its all we think about, we want to be healthy, we're not use to living this way, we don't want to screw it up.
Concentrating to much on being 'good' and smacking ourselves when we slip.  No-one said this shit was easy but when you've had an addiction for most of your adult life, it becomes confronting.  How do we deal with it? We cant eat the craving away anymore.

Don't worry, I didn't cave...much. There is no huge 500gram steak cooking in the fry pan atm...no bottles of pepsi max have been bought. I refuse to...I don't want that old life style back.
I am fighting it all the way.  The lure of it whispers to me..I just need to buy some really good ear plugs to drown it out.

I spent some time away with my family this week.  It was so good to sit, laugh and chat with them.  Food was perfect, healthy, fresh (cant get any fresher then father in laws off the vine tomato salad) but my portions were bigger then I normally eat.  I was left alone to my own devices one night and thought how nice a ginger beer would go down.  I poured myself a 3/4 full glass and after the first mouth full I had to tip it down the sink.  I use to love it to death, man I would of bathed in it if I could but now....all I tasted was sugar and it made me feel sick.  Bugger whats happened to me??  I'm so happy that I have taken sugar out of my diet. Tipping the ginger beer down the sink was a huge reward for me.  I promptly sculled 500ml of water to get the taste from my mouth.

In the car on the way home my daughter was telling me that MacDonalds was sometimes food. I asked her how come it was so to which she told me

Its special food because its not really good for our bodies mum.  Can I have an apple now please?

I'm so happy that she realises this at age 6.  It took me until I was in my 30's to realise it.

There is hope for the next generation after all...its up to us to help guide them.

Tuff Mudder how I love thee

I feel like Ive been asleep for years and have been kissed awake by my Prince Charming.

This is the aftermath of doing mud angels, sliding down wet hill's of water.

Diving head first into mud with rocks and god knows what else to avoid getting zapped by electricity. Carrying a car tyre around a lap of a foot oval

Climbing a hay stack, swimming in a bath of ice and water, climbing through a long thin pipe to be blasted with water, swimming through tubs of mud and lastly climbing through a container of hot, smelly over ripe tomatoes.

There were heaps of obstacles.  Some I could do, some I tried to do.  I only walked away from one not even trying because I knew dame well this chick couldn't get up there. 

 I admitted defeat...but I wont next year!

We were six woman strong....all but one was a 30 plus girl doing Michelle Bridges 12wbt.

Seemed perfect timing to as our 4 week milestone had come up this week....what better way to celebrate then to challenge ourselves.

Shit we even had our own paparazzi the entire course, capturing the moments of fun, work and joy.

We gathered at 9.30ish the morning off.  Making sure we were all together and prepped.

I cant say I was nervous then...I had been shitting myself for week's before hand but nope, I felt a weird calm almost.  I was ready to rock this shit big time!!!

Sitting, watching and listening to the other's starting and coming through added to the vibe of the day.

EVERYONE was ubber supportive.  Strangers were encouraging, supportive and cheering.

Friends who were competing came through and Melinda and I ran to great them, cheering them on, hugging them and celebrating their win. 

Starting off I remember hearing ' GO MAZ ' and thinking...omg people are cheering us on..WOW!

The tyre was heavy (first thing was carrying a tyre around for one lap of the oval)..amazingly enough as much as my arms ached from carrying it I somehow found superman strength to toss that bastard after the lap.

My greatest fear 6 months ago was height's.  I looked over to the hay bail mountain and smiled.

Height's...pffft YOU hay bail mountain were mine bitch!!!  

Standing up the top I looked down and had not one flutter in my gutt, no anxious scream stuck in my throat...I was loving the view, thinking shit Ive missed that kind of thing for far to long.

I was king of the friggen world people!!!!

Inbetween task's gave us time to bond, chat and soul search.

If I wasnt talking to someone I was running between our groups.

It allowed me time to reflect on my life, my fitness and friendship with myself.

I saw person after person running past me....I have wanted that for so long.

I had built myself up to running 2 -3 km's last year.  I began to feel flat seeing so many people running thinking the negative in myself.  I slapped myself on the inside and made myself think of where I was back in December 2011.  

I didn't do SHIT back in December 2011!  I was lazy, fat and ... lazy!

Why do we always think of the bad crap first? We forget the good thing's we do for ourselves.

There was no way back then I would EVER have signed up, let alone thought of doing a tuff mudder yet here I was NOW, jogging when I could, walking fast and trying my best to do what I could...and if I couldn't, I still tried to help those who wanted to.  Team's do that, support each other, help each other when they need it.  Give a hand, a gentle gesture, a shoulder to boost another up.

My reflecting time gave me some thinking time alright.  Gave me some time to work on new goal's as some of my weakness's reared their head's.  Having no strength in my upper body gave me the shits.

I had one moment along the course where I could feel my anxiety climbing and I talked myself down.

We had to climb through long thin pipes....shit the opening looked key hole size...how the hell was i suppose to fit into that???

I got in, on my hands and knees and my knee started throbbing. SHIT what the hell!

I kept doing and go half way and a sick feeling started rising..fuck I was in the middle of a tube, what happens if I cant get out?? It looked so far away, I was a big girl and big girls don't do this shit....the tube was getting thinner and I felt like it was starting to squish me, taking my breathe

FACE SLAP!! Get your shit together girl and fucking MOVE!!!!  slide, crawl, thrust you way to that little hole at the end and get up and out of it!! You can do this!!!!! MOVE!!!

I remember getting to the end and seeing a set of legs standing waiting for me.  I was on my back at this stage squirming anyway I could to get to that opening, reaching and stretching as far as I could with my arms to grab that lip to pull myself out.

And then BANG daylight and those legs and Min's smiling face greeted me.  I stuck my head between those legs and grabbed them with both arms.

I did it...I was out, I was safe and out!

I have to say I was in awe and appreciative of the positive words, high fives and smile's on the 13km course.  Many giggled at us telling us our tutu's wouldn't stay pretty for long (that was the point really).

I had so much fun swimming in an ice cold pit of water and ice, swimming in another full of mud.

Sliding down a huge water mountain whilst having guy's squirt us with water.

Doing mud angel's, having rocks dig into my knee's and hands, dodging electric fences, trying to climb big containers (without success) eating mud, flies and god knows what, getting stung by something.

Most of all, I was enjoying getting to re friend me.

The girl who loved fun, loved a challenge...who liked to get dirty.

Laughing and crying with joy at the life she had forgotten she had.

While I didn't run much for the mud run, I tried.   Whilst I didn't do every challenge, I tried.

Yesterday I was disappointed in myself. 

I thought I hadn't pushed myself enough, hadn't tried hard enough but sometimes the mental challenges of these events are the most valuable ones to win.

It took me until today to realise that,  just being there, getting of my arse, giving it a go was the biggest reward in itself.  Over coming my fears of wet clothing, being dirty and not freaking out in the process was another for me.  Climbing that hay bail mountain proved my fear of heights is well and truly conquered.  Being in a small, thin, long tunnel conquered another.

I may not have pushed through as hard as I wanted but I had faced other obstacles others couldn't see or feel.  Those are the rewards that matter, that help heal and mend ties within.

Running that last 500m to the finish line and seeing my family there bought tear's to my eyes.

My babies were smiling from ear to ear, clapping me on.

Big boy Nikolaus grinning shyly from under his fringe in his pre teenager, awkward way

My Wilhelm stood there, smiling with his big gappy toothy smile at me.

Vyolett with her hands clasped together, jumping up and down yelling.

My baby boy yelling 'run mummy run'.

Hubby standing proud...he's a man of little words but his eye's speak volumes.

and I use to think losing weight was the best reward....pfft that was only the foundations to what I have

received back from the universe until now.

xxx

Maz

Bad bum day

**PLEASE NOTE - this might get a bit verbally graphic**

Yep this post is about my arse

No its not about the size of it

Yes I worry about it every day

No I don't care what others think

It started years ago, back in 2010.  I noticed a lump inside my anus and just thought I had gotten piles from having the kids.  I put up with these piles for 5 weeks until I had a temp of 41 and my hubby said enough was enough.  In tear's I went to my doctor, shaking, pale and sick.  He sent me straight to the emergency department, worried and explained that I had a cyst in my bowel that was quit large and needed to be operated on.

I remember waiting in a bed and having interns come around, mutter what a stupid woman I was to each other for not coming in earlier...hello I have 4 children, 2 with special needs with NO SUPPORT. I come last guys...come back and walk in my shoes arse hats. 

I didn't realise that this was going to be a life changing moment for me.

That night was one of the first operation's I was to have for my arsie friend.  

Dr Micheal and I began a 18 month court ship, where he would great me with a lovely smile and ask me politely to take my pants off so he could, well you know, insert and play with my cyst.

The first operation he gave my bum a bong pipe.  Its the worst thing he could of friggen done.  After draining my golf ball sized cyst he decided it place a drainage tube 2 inches away from my anus.  I had to keep this thing in for 7 days.  Do you know how humiliating it is to get your husband to have to clean your arse for you while you scream in pain?  Its something  I never wanted my hubby to have to do for me and I will be thankful for him doing this for me for the ends of time.  

Once the tube was removed I felt like a new woman. No pain, omg I could move again and wipe my own arse without cringing.

4 months later it came back.

I was sent straight back to the hospital.  This time I had a major surgery.  The cyst was entirely removed this time as it had gotten to the size of an apple and the doctor feared bowel cancer so removal was the best option.  Thankfully no it wasn't cancer but it was enough to scare me.  My anus was then cut on the side and the cyst which was 10cm in my intestine was removed and the area was scraped out.  Now how do you fix an anus that was collapsed in due to being cut, well you get a little cable tie looking device and have it inserted and tied every 4 weeks.  Yep, every 4 weeks I went in and have Dr Micheal tighten it, until one day its to the surface and my anus is back to normal.  I had the joy of interns asking to look first, in a room by myself, no nurse. I did it once and then said NO.  Tuff titties, my body, my choice, especially when I had to get redressed and then go drop my pants again for Dr Micheal for the same crap.  I had on intern stand there and watch me take my pants of...I asked him if it excited him to watch and he looked at me blankly until I asked him to give me some respect.

Dr Micheal explained to me that people who have diabetes can suffer from cyst in this region...and if they don't have it they can get it later in life. SHIT!!! Hello I'm on that list with both parents having it, mum type 2 dad type 1 with insulin, a brother with type 2 and a sister type 1 and insulin 5 times a day. NO WAY!!! I'm getting of this ride!!  

Dr Micheal also explained to me due to the operations, my butt will never be the same.  I 'could' have more cysts causing me to have to have more op's,  I 'could' have seepage of the bowel where fluid leaks out, I 'could' end up with bowel cancer....I could I could I could!!!

I have tried to live my life to its fullest.   I do have side effects.  I don't mention them, they've become a part of life for me now.  My bong pipe hole weeps and bowel fluid comes out...its not pretty but I've learnt to adapt.  I often have to give myself wedges so it doesn't get aggravated.  I have to use self made bamboo velour small wipes to place in the area to soak up the fluid.  Its not pretty, it can smell, it hurts some days but its better then the big C word and better then having to have a colostomy.  I can still do most exercises although riding a bike is very much out of the question for me as it aggravates it so badly I am in bad pain for days.  I cringe when someone walks past me and touches my back or knocks my bum because I'm scared it will set of a week of pain.

No I don't talk about it much, close friends of mine know about it, they went through my op's with me but I just get on with life.  I still suffer pain, have bad bum days and have those days where I'd like to not feel like my arse is about to drop out but I just suck it up and get on with it.   Its another reason I wanted to change my life, it gave me a wake up call. 

Finding MB12wbt a few months after my last episode was a life line. I needed something to help me realise there was more then the ride my family was on.  I needed a healthy direction.  

Although I'll never be the same, I am healthy and hopefully I have reversed any of the steps I was taking towards diabetes.

Now enough of my arse...I have to get myself organised for tomorrow tuff mudder BOO YEAH BABY!

xx

The count down....pre tuff mudder

Righto...4 more sleeps to go.  Am I shitting myself HELL YES!!!  

I don't care what anyone says, don't give a rat's if you say its easy, you'll have fun....

I am still shitting myself!!!!!!

I have no idea of what to expect other then mud, ice water and a tomato pic.  I'm worried about rope climbing cause I have no strength in my bingo flaps, I'm scared of the electric fence and that it will zap my arse cause I have a tendency to stick it up in the air when I'm down on all fours.

I have that feeling in my stomach like I did before I had my first son.  You know the one, when reality kicks in and you realise that you have to squeeze a beach ball out of your vagina.  

You've never given birth and you've hit 37 weeks and think SHIT how the hell is this getting out...my poor jaja will never be the same again.

Stupidly most of us go back and shit ourselves at the same stage not from fear of the unknown but the fear of the pain we endure squeezing out that baby.

yeah...I see you nodding....your getting it aren't you.

THAT feeling.

The one where you know you have no control.

Tonight Wilhelm tell's me mum cool down you are going to rock this.

Yep...the kid is full of confidence for me.

I keep thinking, bush, flies, mud, SNAKES, bugs, mud, twigs, blisters....did I mention mud???

I am not worried what so ever what placing we come...I don't care if we come last.

I am so looking forward to spending time with some amazing ladies and supporting each other through the 12km's and obstacles.  I have no doubt there will be alot of laughing, crying and soul searching happening that day.  I cant wait to see one lady as its been a year and a half since we caught up...we've both lost so much weight. I have no doubt I'm going to be a blubbering mess when I see you.

This afternoon Melinda and I got together and made little bags up.

We really wanted to wear items on the day to represent organisations we believe and support.

Both of us spent quiet a few days on the phone organising items to be sent to us.

Each lady will be receiving one of these

 Donate for life donated a t-shirt, brink bottle, wrist band and hat for us to wear

Cancer council of Australia a sweat band

Beyond blue a wrist band.

We really wanted to get sew on patches so we could buy our own t-shirts and sew them on but the only badges that were available were the metal and pin kind....and as much as I like piercings they just wouldn't work for the event.

I have decided not to wear the donate life T-shirt.

I will be wearing my Autism Spectrum Australia singlet.

Wilhelm is beside himself as the donations have reached over our goal of $400.

For a little background - Wilhelm is 11, he is funny, bright, loving, has a wicked sense of humour, has a photographic memory, loves algebra, wants to be a movie director when hes older and can draw like Da vinci.  Wilhelm lives with autism and isn't afraid to let others know he has it.

He has his moment's when the world becomes to loud for him but we work through it and he doesn't let autism rule his life.

I am doing this mud run for him....his belief in me with my weight lose, my fitness and eating healthy.

His support, his unconditional love and encouragement have gotten me to now.

I will be wearing my singlet for my Wilhelm, for your child, for those who live on the spectrum of magic colours and light sounds.

I will be wearing it with pride and honour.

I will also be wearing my 30plus 12wbt group hat.

I don't care that green doesn't go with what I'm wearing...to me it all matches :) its pieces of my puzzle

The 30 plus group have been nothing but utterly inspiring, supportive and encouraging in my 5 rounds of 12wbt.  We support each other through words, cyber hugs, high fives.  

I am honoured to be walking right beside 4 of them this Sunday and in my heart the entire 30plus 12wbt group will be walking with us.

Ive also organised a little gift for the girls.

We really wanted t-shirts made but at $35 plus postage it was all out of our reach.

I have a wonderful friend who makes unique items and got her to make these little beauties.

T-shirts end up getting lost in the cupboard anyway...these guys can be hung anywhere.

Udderly Crazy Cows is our groups name if you didn't realise.  I hope that when they look at it, long after this Sunday that a smile hits their lips and pride beats in their chest's from what they accomplished.

Now while I was checking out the donations already made I made a little discovery.

For years I have seen a woman who has struggled, gain control and kicked arse with her weight.  She stood true to herself, was honest and worked her butt off to get her weight down.  I often was in awe of her and it didn't help that not seeing her all the time didn't help. Distance does that.  She'd walk in the room and Id be gob smacked even a little jealous on how gorgeous she looked.  He skin looked fabulous, her hair lushes and most of all, she had a confidence that outshone the weight she had lost.  The smile on her face sparkled as her happiness ozzed out.

Ive never said anything to her...My green eyed monster kept that under wraps.  Don't get me wrong  I always told her she looked fabulous, how could I not but she looked beyond that for me. I wanted what she had, what she was living!

I read the messages left with the donations I had received..my heart beats so hard with honour and love for those...but one had me in tears.

Katie Robertson - Your such an inspiration

Yes Katie .... you are an inspiration.  You may not think it but I love that you gave to yourself.  Had the gutt's to look in the mirror and said no more and did something for you.  You work dame hard, you have 2 beautiful boys and although we don't talk as often as Id like to I miss you.  Your words just mean so much to me.  You've been here, you know the torture we endure within ourselves, with others judgemental attitudes and you never seemed to let it effect you. Thank you for being one of my lights, one of my voices in my head when I'm feeling down and ready to throw in the towel.

Now to get myself some pink zinc cream, aero guard and to pull up my big girl panties ready for Sunday.

xxxxx

If you'd like to donate to my fundraising page for  Autism Spectrum Australia follow the link and thank you xx

Maz's Mad Cow run for Autism

Week four blues...say what??

Week four.
Its the time when you sit back and think shit what has happened this round?  Have I pulled up good, lost cm's, lost weight or have I gained in the fitness department, gained strength in my mind.
I decided to get my measurements and fitness out of the way this morning...why not start the week right ..yeah.
Have felt a bit flat...more then likely to the madness of working nearly every night last week and having a very emotional 6 year old wanting me flat out yesterday.
Put on my little inny weeny bikini and looked in the mirror and saw nothing special..no difference in my body, gunt still saying hello *sigh*.
Got my measuring  tape out and there's a little difference but nothing huge..*another sigh*
I am pleased though, I am eating so well, drinking a minimum of 2L of water a day and still haven't touched coffee or alcohol.
Perhaps I'm eating a little 2 well....perhaps my portion sizes are increasing a little to much and maybe picking whilst making dinner isn't helping.......just maybe
New game plan!!  Back to eating of the small plates and drinking a glass of water after every time I go to the loo.  Kicking my willpower muscle fair in the butt might help aswell.  NO more picking maz!!!

Start Week

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  4

• Push Ups (Knees)

  9

• Sit Reach (cm)

  20

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:34

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  0:40

These are my stat's today.

• Push Ups (Toes)

  6

• Push Ups (Knees)

  22

• Sit Reach (cm)

  22

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  7:06

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:15
• 
  

Push ups. hmmmmmmm.  Since my fall my knee's creak and hurt like a bitch if I put pressure on them. I'm such a baby when it comes to them. Seriously though I'm frightened as hell of hurting them anymore.  A simple wrong twist of the leg had shooting pain right through my knee down to my toes.
So after my piss pour effort in starting week I bite the bullet and bought a work out mat ready for week 4. Well tickle me sideways!! 22 push ups!!  The knee's still creaked like hell BUT there was no pain.  Why the hell didn't I buy one of these bloody mat's beforehand?

Wall sit...ahhh wall sit.  pfft stupid, sitting up against the wall shit, who does that crap??!!   WHY do that crap??!!! My leg's are hurting...why am I doing this stupid shit again...my legs...ahhh did I mention my leg's

Sound familiar???  Yep that was me, moaning bitch maz. Today I didn't care, I told that moaning bitch to stay the hell away from the kitchen and let me do my thing!  1.15min's...bloody hell yes!! Over 1 min! *air punch baby

Time trial.
To be honest..Ive been scared shitless to run.  I trip over the edges of footpaths even when I'm walking. It really scared the crap out of me when I fell over, not as much at the time but the following month, when my knee would click, the swelling and bruising came out.  The slight movements went shearing pain through my body. In hindsight a trip to the doctor's at the least would of been a really good move but me being me Id rather run the other way.
Ive tried a few times to jog/run and Ive been in pain for days afterwards. One step forward, 5 steps back.  I refused to let it get the better of me...no way mate, dib's on I wasn't going to let this get the better of me.  I tried to run for the first time trial and the pain afterwards was worse the man flue!!!

I did my normal sparrow fart walk with my walking pal and noted to her that I'll have to do my time trial this week.  I also told her where I had to do it from and how I was worried about running.  She is such an awesome and positive influence...where had she been all my life.  She's like, yep cool we can do it when your ready.
Driving my amigo's to school I took note of where I thought my 1km started from to home...OMG It wasn't 1km, it was 850m...so peeved. Id under cut my time trial AND thinking even more about it I got a crap time for it....it should of been more.  RIGHT!!!!  Today, after my babies were at school and kinder I thought to my self its now! DO IT NOW!!!  Fire was in my belly, I was pissed at my misjudgement of distance and my time.
Off I set to the other distance I know was 1km.  It was heading out of town, country road but no footpaths to trip over.  I set off thinking shit, there's gravel....what if I slip...what if....ahhhh shut up do it woman!
Whilst I couldn't run the entire 1km (probably 3/4 of it) I did it. I smashed my week 1 trial time and did an entire 1km.  BOO YEAH!!!  I feel alive again...my knee was wonderful, no pain (we wont talk about the little toe that's read raw from wearing crap shoes).  My lungs were full and my heart was beating nice and fast....ahhh LOVE IT! Running how Ive missed you.

Ive walked 187.13km's in the last month
Ive run 2km's
Ive started doing fitness DVD's




Ive pushed myself
Ive proven my moaning bitch maz wrong.




Life is for living


Live it and be happy